Strange iSpace

A Thoughtful Wander with a Fun Endpoint

2012-02-02T20:58:00.004-07:00

I find it so odd that while I have this intense desire to write, the minute I sit down to do it is right when all the juicy stuff evaporates. Is there such a thing as "writer's curse"? Similar to the writer's block? Warning: this thing started as a ramble and turned into me talking about my own psychology. Lol

Remember that post from back in November of '11? The one where I mulled over my identity, or signature? I've been thinking. Yes, always dangerous as it is for many people who take up the habit. I like to go back and read bit and pieces from my entries from time to time, just to get a feel for where the blog is at, where it's been, and where it may be going. After landing on that article again and thinking about how things had changed in the last three months, I first thought that I had dropped that "quest" completely. That was, until I thought about it from a different point of view.

While I wouldn't say that I have spent any great amount of time thinking about that question, I have subtly altered how I analyze and examine the things I do, what I say and how I respond, and how I react to the world around me. This has actually started some great progress towards solidifying the more abstract parts of what make me up. For example, in a situation where I am faced with making a choice over whether I find someone worth my time and effort or no, I have really been weighing in the pros and cons. It takes me a bit longer to make up my mind, but I am finding that I spend time with more people who have something valuable to teach me, directly or indirectly.

I also am noticing more of a shift in focus onto the things that I want to do. Rather than approach life with a "meh" attitude, I have been actually pursuing those things that I am passionate about but have put on the bottom shelf because they weren't "the thing to do" or "I'd like to do that someday". I realize that I do a lot of talking about these things thinking that are a big part of who I am. But how can that be when I haven't engaged in these activities in months or years? One cannot call themselves a painter if they don't pick up a brush and canvas on a regular basis. You can't call yourself a mechanic because you fiddled with your car's engine five years ago.

I talk a lot. Mercury does have quite a bit of influence in my life. And I have the best intentions of carrying through with the ideas that I talk about. Half the time I am successful at following through. The other half of the time I either forget about them or set them aside long enough that they lose whatever oomph they had. And then occasionally touch on them again and get excited only to repeat the same pattern. I have a lot of theories on why I do this, fear of failure being the winning one. I talk, but I see a trend forming lately that may just fix the part where I splat five thousand feet before the starting line.

I think the key is to attack this one thing at a time. I've been talking for years about going to the gym. Tying it into getting in shape for a holiday, beach time, vacation or other event always gets me excited about it, but once that holiday gets close I lose all motivation. What I had to ask myself was why am I not doing this for me? Aren't I the most important person here to be making promises to? Shouldn't I care about the constant trend of disappointing myself? As the one perceiving and translating every thing in the world around me into time and life, how I treat myself is directly affecting how I treat others and my interaction with every other part of my life. So I decided to join a gym. And I made it all about me. I don't go for the company, because company won't always be there and they may let you down. I don't go for the attention, although I definitely love when I get cruised or "accidentally bumped" in the ass. I go for me. To spend time with me. And to enjoy the fact that I feel better because I did something good for, you guessed it, me. One thing at a time.

That example out of the way, you can see how this selfishness would apply to picking up my love for art and making things, being socially active again, and top on my mind today, finding a boyfriend. And this is the part I'm working out in my head right now. My apologies in advance since this will probably be disjointed.

So much of the process of finding a boyfriend is focused on what we want in someone and then seems to turn into what we can contribute. If we are living honestly with ourselves and being true to who we are, what we contribute will be what attracts other people to us. So why are we hung up on this? I'm not convinced it's a good thing to focus on when finding that special someone. Focus on doing what you love and finding someone who is what you want, not what the culture says you should want. I find it out of place to focus on settling for someone because they fit some of the bill and you can always find a way to sacrifice some part of yourself to make up for the rest. Fuck that, I say. Get out there, find what you want and go for it. If they like who you are they will go for it. If not, take what things you can learn from the relationship and aggressively move on.

I think a lot of this probably falls into the idea that the right person will come along if you just focus on being yourself and living your life. Many of the people I have been, or currently am, interested in generally fell right into my lap while I was busy living life. The times I've been so focused on nothing but finding someone and setting aside the things I enjoy have led to some of the most depressing times in my life. So, ultimately, I've probably not really stumbled onto some new take on life and relationships, I've just found a new way, for me, of looking at an old idea because of recent changes in patterns of thinking in my life. I like where this is going.

Hack Translate: Haus Der Drei Sonnen (House of the Three Suns)

2011-11-14T11:49:00.001-07:00

I love this song. I love even more Nena's voice singing it. It's been tough to find it translated to English and even then I don't know that I would trust the English translation all that much. I decided to go with an impartial robot and use Google Chrome's translation engine while searching for Haus Der Drei Sonnen via the German Google. This is what I got. I was shocked to find out that the music definitely matches the lyrics. And they are fascinating. I decided to include the video from Youtube as well at the end. Enjoy.

German:

Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n.Im Haus der Geschichtendie niemand erzählt
wo Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.Im Schnellzug der Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
kämpft ein alter Spieler um sein letztes Geld
will alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.
Mal geht's ihm gutund dann geht's ihm schlecht -manchmal hat er Glückdoch meistens hat er Pech.Im Haus der drei Sonnen vergisst er die Welt
er hat seine Verluste noch niemals gezählt.Der Schnellzug zur Hoffnung ist lange entgleist
im Haus der drei Sonnendas Groschengrab heißt.Alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.
Mal geht's ihm gutund dann geht's ihm schlecht -manchmal hat er Glückdoch meistens hat er Pech.Im Haus der drei Sonnen vergisst er die Welt
er hat seine Verluste noch niemals gezählt.Der Schnellzug zur Hoffnung ist lange entgleist
im Haus der drei Sonnendas Groschengrab heißt.Alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.Im Schnellzug der Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
kämpft ein alter Spieler um sein letztes Geld -im Haus der Geschichtendie niemand erzählt.

English:

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

in the house of the stories that nobody tells

where spaceships explode diern lonely in space

In holding fast to the hope of nowhere

an old player is fighting for his last money

everything at once and immediately

the ship is sinking but the captain remains on board the

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

Mal's doing well and then it's going bad

Sometimes he is lucky but mostly he has bad luck

in the house of the Three Suns, he forgets the world

he has counted his losses never

The hope is to express derailed long

the three suns in the house is the grave Grosch

everything at once and immediately

the ship goes under but the captain remains on board

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

Mal's doing well and then it's going bad

Sometimes he is lucky but mostly he has bad luck

in the house of the Three Suns, he forgets the world

he has counted his losses never

The hope is to express derailed long

the three suns in the house is the grave Grosch

everything at once and immediately

the ship goes under but the captain remains on board

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

an old player is fighting for his last money

in the house of the stories that nobody tells

Signature

2011-11-01T15:14:00.001-06:00

I've been mulling over identity and uniqueness today. I find each person's unique qualities to be fascinating and a large part of what attracts me to them. I find most, if not all, of my friends possess something like this. I'm guessing that people who don't have these "uniquenesses" probably don't wind up jiving with me and may not end up developing into more than an acquaintance. It's definitely something I can pick out in each one of them. They are as unique and different in their individual styles, likes and dislikes, moods and quirks.

What is getting me is how not like this I feel. I can pin down someone's "signature" on the world around them but not my own. It's probably just me being over analytically, but I look at myself and see copycatting. I see little bits of everyone else out there as the sum total of who I am. None of it seems like it's a spawn of my own individuality. Granted, most of my experiences are my own or are a reinterpretation of a shared experience with someone else. But outside of that, what makes me standout sharply against the background?

This question will be around for a while, I'm thinking. I am on a quest to figure out what makes me unique and develop it. I'm tired of blending in with the background. Not sure why that is the way it is, but awareness can only act on it or let it be. There is no going back and changing the past. Who'd really want to? It would rob me of this process of self development.

Failure?

2011-09-28T20:43:00.000-06:00

I've been dealing with my own issues with failure lately and due to my internal structure, the move-in-process has brought them back up to the forefront. I've done my own analyzing many times and my logic tells me that many of the scenarios I drag up are not failures, merely perceived that way. Doesn't change the reoccurrence factor. And it typically haunts me for months.

Today was particularly bad but not one that was hard to hide. I seem to be getting better at that as time goes on. I'm noticing with time the different ways that these bad days/weeks/months affect my daily activities. Today my work was obviously getting the shit end of the stick. The smallest jobs were immediately challenged by the thought that I was hardly capable of doing this on my own and getting it right at all. My self-confidence took a massive dive. And as a result I was probably incredibly annoying to the many people I had to stop and ask for help for every minor issue. Yes, that's why they're there, but I'm big on doing things myself. And myself wasn't up for it. And I felt another accusing call of "failure" creeping in compounding the already present cacophony.

See how this thing just builds and gets worse?

So towards the end of the day I started looking for anything to read that would help me take my mind off the self-confidence issue and put on a more positive spin. I found this article and while it's not all things I would agree with, I still found it immediately uplifting and decided it was worth a share.

Do You Feel Like a Failure?

by Debbie Takara Shelor

Several years ago I started noticing that I wasn't happy. I was ill more often than was O.K. with me and I seemed to only find pleasure in writing.

I began asking, "Whatever happened to my joy? I must have had some joy in my life at some point. But where has it gone?

I wasn't happy in high school. We moved to a new town when I was entering the 9th grade and I cried everyday after school for almost a year because I just didn't know how to fit in with the same crowd - or type of kids - that I'd been friends with in my previous school. I felt like a failure at making my high school life work. I didn't even attend the 5 year reunion because the pain was still so great.

But there were times in grade school and junior high when I was very very happy.

Even during my engineering career my laugh was so infectious and wonderful that one of the plant managers used to comment about it often. He loved my laugh.

But the laugh was even gone for awhile.

So where had it gone? When and why did my joy leave?

I was sitting in my office "trying" yet another thing to make our business successful. I had already spent hours (years) upgrading the website, answering email, writing the newsletters, reading about effective marketing.
My former husband - whose timing is always impeccable - came in to the room and said "Here you sit. Again! You are in front of the computer when I leave for work and you are on it when I come home. You don't do anything else." Then he just turned and left.

I didn't defend myself. I didn't try to explain why it was so important to be doing what I'd been doing. I just sat there and thought about it and realized he was right. There I sat and I wasn't even enjoying it. The only thing I enjoyed was writing the newsletters, but the rest brought me no joy. I was now in a state of realizing that "something isn't right here."
That same day he called and asked me why our bank account had a negative balance?

I had no reply. I went numb. After I hung up the phone, I had a complete and total physical and emotional breakdown. I was sobbing really big tears. And I was ready to leave - the planet I mean. I had had it. I was a complete and total failure (in my own mind). I couldn't even manifest a positive bank account. I was exhausted from the struggle. I hated the game (life). I hated my life (the things I had co-created).

There I was - in that most magical of moments - often referred to as the Dark Night of the Soul. That amazingly horrible wonderful instant when you can choose to sink or swim. That time when we are forced to make a real choice - to change our life permanently for the better or stay stuck in anger, hatred, sadness, or whatever other type of negativity. I had "hit the wall" as they say. I felt like an absolute and total failure. The old way was absolutely no longer acceptable.

I'd been there before - back in 1993. That experience is what caused my spiritual awakening. Interestingly it was brought on by the same type of thing. Depression - severe depression over the loss of a job I totally and completely loved.

You see I had become completely co-dependent on what I considered the perfect magical job for myself. I was a Team Leader in the Bayer Factory. We made all the Bayer Aspirin in the U.S. I was co-creator of a self-directed work team. I got to travel. I got to teach team, communication, and quality skills. I got to work one on one with employees - their personal development. I worked night and day. It was difficult, but I had a mission - create a successful self-directed factory.

But the more things I tried, the harder it became, the more problems there seemed to be.

And then the unthinkable happened.
The company restructured and I was taken out of the Bayer Factory. I was no longer a Team Leader in a self directed work environment. I was a front line supervisor in a traditional (archaic) factory - a job I had turned down at least 6 times prior to this. To say I was devastated hardly begins to describe all the things I felt.

My dream had been wretched out from under me - and there was nothing I could do about it. Once again, my life felt like a failure.
In hindsight, almost 10 years later, I finally saw the truth. The truth is I thought my one shot at real glory had been shattered. I was so co-dependent on the "success" of the project that I couldn't see the truth. The truth is I didn't care about the success of the team. What I cared about was me being part of something wildly successful. If I was part of something wildly successful, then I would finally deserve and therefore receive the acknowledgement and appreciation I was so desperately seeking from - oh no - my dad.

Growing up I never got it. I tried everything. I was the best at practically everything I did. I'd come home with straight A's and my dad's only comment would be "Why weren't they A+'s?" That's it. After all I had put into achieving I never received the reward. I was a failure in my own mind even when I was excelling.

So out of this I developed the belief that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and it would never bring me happiness. So I had to try harder, try more things, and the more attached I was to the outcome being a success, well (as is always the case when you are attached to an outcome) the bigger the failure it became.

When you are attached to the outcome there is no way for there to be a good result. Actions not taken in joy never result in happiness.

I wasn't taking actions out of joy. I was taking actions out of desperation. Trying desperately to achieve something worthy of praise. Trying desperately not to be a failure in the eyes of others and in my own eyes.

The driving force behind all of my actions was not desire to attain my value of helping people or making a difference. My actions were being taken from the shear terror of how I'd feel (and always did feel) because my dad must not love me since he never praised my accomplishments.

Because father represents Father (the masculine aspect of God), then God must not be pleased with me either. Great!

The more I tried, the more things didn't work, the more unhappy I became. So I tried with more determination, with greater attachment to the outcome. So of course all I experienced was disappointment and complete lack of joy. I didn't enjoy the work because it was full of disappointment - I had WAY too many expectations. I couldn't enjoy my former husband, or my son, or where we live - even though all three of those are fabulous. I NEVER took time for myself. Because the only thing that mattered was the success (or in this case lack of success) of the business.

My focus was completely on what I didn't have and the sense of failure I felt. And I completely lost sight of what I did have - which was a great deal.
The human personality is such a silly character. Lets get to the truth of the matter.

Did (and does) my father love me?

Absolutely!

Did he acknowledge my accomplishments?

Yes in his own way.

Was he proud of me?

You have no idea how very proud.

But the little girl - we don't know how old she was when she decided all this - wasn't getting the exact right words or actions at the exact right time to satisfy her own insecurity. So she made all the other stuff up and began living life from that perspective. A completely debilitating set of beliefs and patterns with really no justification for their existence.

We all do that you know!

What is the worst thing you can do for your immune system? Experience for long periods of time negative (or low vibratory) emotions such as anger, hatred, fear, depression, sadness, etc. I'd been stuck in sadness and depression. So I became ill. And no matter what I tried things didn't really improve.

This Dark Night of the Soul literally freed me from the shackles of a limiting belief that I'd carried most of my life. After the initial breakdown - which was very short lived - this huge energetic boulder, that was much bigger than I am, shattered into a million pieces and fell to the floor all around me. It was gone. I mean it was really gone.

The next day, after this experience of discovering the shadow, I turned 41. It was Spring Equinox - a time of rebirth and renewal.

I was literally faced with having to redefine who I Am and what matters to me. A kind of scary idea. All of my goals, values, and everything had this false belief underneath them. Now that it was gone its like I had to start again. I had to re-evaluate my values. I had to look at my goals to see if they made sense. And, finally, it felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe deep and relax.

Before everything was about being perceived as being successful - so everyone, especially my dad, would love me. So, nothing and I mean nothing, could be left to chance. The stress this creates is almost unimaginable.
This "thing" driving me in every moment wasn't even something in my best interest. It caused stress which leads to disease. It required taking actions that I didn't even enjoy. It was my creation - a belief of how life is, how life works, what really mattered, based on mistruths.

My dad wanted me to excel - feeling that would bring me happiness. So he urged me to do that in his own way.

The entire goal of this journey we call life is to discover the truth and move forward into the Light. The light of freedom. A life of love, joy, laughter, creativity, and fun unencumbered by the shackles we've placed on ourselves.
Our only mission is to discover and re-merge (become) the Divine Being we already are - going past the illusions and fears of being human.
No-one said the journey was easy. But it is the only journey that has any lasting value. Everyone's journey is different and perfect. And the journey never ends.

So now what's happening with me you ask?

Well I went off into the mountains and wrote a book called Freeway to Freedom. The meditations I was "given" involve dolphin healing technologies and they permanently heal issues, beliefs, fears, the past, and more.
Well, with the help of those technologies, the Phoenix (me) has definitely risen from the ashes:

I Am soooo much lighter.

I smile alot.

Finishing things used to be really hard - and often didn't happen. I think I thought that if I never finished, then whatever it was couldn't be judged as a success or a failure. There have been many completions since then.
I'm no longer struggling with the same issues. So I'm no longer exhausted from the struggle. Yeah!

When I'm with someone I'm really with them enjoying the moment. I don't have to worry about their perception of my perfection and success. And I don't have a million to do's running through my head.

When I think of something that "should" be done, the first thing I ask myself is "Would doing that bring me joy?" If the answer is no, then I don't do it - at least not right then. I wait until I can enjoy doing it or I don't do it at all.

Have you ever felt like a failure?

Have you ever experienced feeling totally defeated, like you have failed at something really important? It might be that your marriage ended, or your child got into trouble or didn't reach their potential, or you lost your job. Maybe, like me, you went through a job restructuring and felt you were demoted or a failure at your new position. Maybe you tried to start your own business and it didn't really take off. Or perhaps you just aren't happy and can't figure out why.

Success and failure walk hand in hand. What do they each mean to you? What does it feel like or look like to be successful? What does it feel like or look like to be a failure?

When you focus on the failure, you rarely even notice the success. Start finding what is good, what you can be grateful for, what is like a blessing.
There are many people who are facing the wall (of their shadow) or have actually hit the wall - people who feel like they are a failure or have failed at some aspect of their life. Alot of them don't know what to do. Feel free to share the story I just told you about my own experience and suggest that they look for the mistruth or limiting belief that has caused them to come to the place they are at in their own life.

We offer many tools and experiences that can help.

Blessings,
Debbie

The original article can be read here.

Costume Idea Harvest - Women's Medieval

2011-07-25T22:47:00.003-06:00

Out and about, browsing ideas for costumes and I found some stuff, both cool for me and cool for others, to share. First up:

DaisyViktoria has some very cool ideas in their gallery. This one was a favorite.

Eowyn by ~DaisyViktoria on deviant ART

Next was this simple but very elegant design by Liquidfire3.

Sapphire Medieval Gown II by ~Liquidfire3 on deviant ART

And last for tonight is a piece done by Applegripsch. I like this simple design a lot.

Medieval Fantasy Costume by ~Appelgripsch on deviant ART

And that's it for the women. For right now, anyway.

Inappropriate Ways to Celebrate the Summer Solstice List

2011-06-21T13:22:00.001-06:00

I had a little fun on Facebook today posting these as they came to mind. Part of my inner cynic came out and played with my odd sense of humor. Enjoy.

#1- Sunburn. Apollo/Sol/Ra most likely does not want your flesh crispy fried as some sort of sick homage to them. After all, you really think they'd want to have sex with a lobster the next time they decide to incarnate and father some offspring?

#2- Skyclad in Public. While it might be a genuine expression of your desire to celebrate in true Wiccan style, please refrain from exposing too much (or all) of yourself today while wandering amongst the unprepared masses. We might end up liking it, we might end up traumatized. Please don't assume we'll be jonesing for a gander at your goodies, though.

#3- Arson. Yes, yes, all hail the god(s) of light and warmth and joy and... fire. It's true, the sun is a big ball of fire. However, your office building should not become your burnt offering, people. Some of us nice, non-douchey people probably work with you too. You could at least have the decency to include us in the blaze-making if you're going to do it at all.

#4- Glitter. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I'd rather you not run around whacking people with your fairy wand and dumping a god-awful amount of glitter "fairy dust" all over people. That shit doesn't go away. And it spreads. There's a reason it's called the herpes of the craft world. Take your shiny and play by yourself somewhere far far away. You could call this a public service announcement too, I suppose.

Here's a funny "naked people" pic for the hell of it.

The Wedding of Heaven and Earth - Litha 2011

2011-06-21T12:16:00.000-06:00

Technically it's June 21st, 2011, but it doesn't quite feel like "today" yet as I have yet to go to bed. When the mood strikes, I have to write. Even if I don't quite know what to write about. That led to some Facebook polling and then to some browsing on Google on the summer solstice (northern hemisphere) which hits at roughly 1:16 pm in one of the timezones... yeah, I researched that little fact out extensively, I know. Either way, it's today, people.

The raging trend that I found while using the web to start the juices going was blog posts about the sun and all things sunny and summer-ish. That's cool. It's a bit copy-paste. Seriously, the majority of the articles I found weren't anything more than the same text as every other site out there. Somebody, and/or a bunch of somebodies, found a wikipedia entry and decided that it was their "original" work. For shame. Underneath the bullshit I found a few gems. The ones that really grabbed my attention were pages talking about the balance of the earth, the sun and the moon's relationship, and the Celtic belief that the summer solstice was the marriage of Heaven and Earth. How I've missed that all these years, I don't know.

This quote on a blog/journal/site titled song-of-songs.net sparked some thinking.

Man as an organism is to the world outside like a whirlpool is to a river: man and world are a single natural process, but we are behaving as if we were invaders and plunderers in foreign territory. For when the individual is defined and felt as the separate personality or ego, he remains unaware that his actual body is a dancing pattern of energy that simply does not happen by itself. It happens only in concert with myriads of other patterns---called animals, plants, insects, bacteria, minerals, liquids, and gases. The definition of a person and the normal feeling of "I" do not effectively include these relationships. You say, "I came into this world." You didn't; you came out of it, as a branch from a tree."

---Alan Watts,

The more I looked into themes, keywords and elements from that quote, the more inspired and overloaded with information I became. And the more I realized how many things linked to each other. My favorite find is the theme of mankind being the link/tree/bridge between Heaven and Earth and how, as "trees" we are simultaneously linked in community with one another.

This is reflected and represented in the Norse rune "Mannaz". It is the rune of humanity and speaks to our human experience. The energy of this rune screams of the significance humanity as part of a network found in this universe. All things in some form run into and out of this humanity and are either transformed or do the transforming, based on our individual and collective will. So much power, such a little vessel.

On this day, the sun is at its peak in the northern hemisphere, and, for a moment, seems to stand still. At this point, the ancient Celts believed that a great marriage took place in that split second between the sun and his consort, the moon. They saw a great dance reach its climax point- the sun exerted all his glory and power at its height and then moved to let his lady begin to build up to her great moment, the winter solstice and Yule, six months (roughly) later. At this point, it would seem that we, humans, stand as the link between the sun, the earth and the moon, witnessing the dance, the marriage, the shift. One could even drop into a reality where we enable, create, allow this event to happen. Our ancestors thought so.

Solstice activites were all centered around enhancing the power of the sun through bonfires, dancing, bright colors, joyous festivities and laughter. The belief was that the seasons would not change if we did not help them along. Maybe that is more accurate than popular thought today would have us believe. If in fact we do create our reality, then it is within our best interest to continue the wheel of the year. Perhaps this is so automatic for us now we are not even conscious of it working deep inside our collective mind, manifesting this constantly changing world around us. Cool to think about.

My thoughts today are going to orbit this idea and its connection with the rune Mannaz and how my part of this tree, or my own tree within this network/forest, can engage and participate in this astrological event. Who knows, magick done in that "between time" might have a little more kick to it with this knowledge as power behind it.

Cool Links

Checkout this page at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom. She has some cool correspondences for Litha/Summer Solstice energies if you need some ideas for marking this occasion.

Something's Gotta Stop the Flow

2011-05-18T00:33:00.007-06:00

Jacob: You know the downward spiral is essentially a chain reaction.

Allel: And nothing that comes out of your mouth makes any sense.
Jacob: They're all reactions! One thing begets the next. A man has a weakness, he's flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate... Something's gotta stop the flow.

That dialog is from the movie "Ink", a story about a lost soul who tries to enter the ranks of the succubi by sacrificing the soul of a little girl, dodging her guardians, the Storytellers, and their Pathfinder, Jacob. A friend mentioned how incredibly cool the part of the movie where Jacob taps into the rhythm of the world around him (and then alters it by throwing off the rhythm) was and it's had me thinking ever since.

My favorite theory on the 2012 frenzy is that as the stars, sun, earth and then our cells all adjust to mirror the rythm set in motion by the stars, first, and then followed by the rest of this reality as we know it until these vibrations eventually adjust our thinking, evolution and outlook on the world. I think when 2012 hits we will barely notice it unless we are aware and watching for the shift in rhythm. When that happens, and it is a gradual thing really, I think the results will be amazing. The last few times this rhythm has hit a major number in the Fibonacci series, we've had a worldwide renaissance. What will this next renaissance entail? I have a lot of ideas, now I'm just going to have to wait and see.

Can we change what happens? If we do something now to "stop the flow" can we cause a massive shift to occur in alignment with what we will to happen? Things are fucked up right now, but the wheel always keeps on turning. Maybe our focus needs to be on tapping this rhythm so we can change the flow. My friend is already thinking this way and now has me obsessed with the idea. This needs more pondering and plotting.

Smartphone and Swype

2011-05-16T04:12:00.001-06:00

I am up late tonight, not an unusual thing for me, and tinkering around with various things. Posted to facebook, took a couple random photos, downed more coffee than is good for me, sex IMed a friend's stalker for a half hour, and did some general worrying about the job market and my need of a second job and a new place to live with cheaper rent. Busy night. But on a jaunt to the restroom I thought how cool it would be to update my blog from the bathroom using my htc Evo. Lol So I am. And Swype makes it so fast.

Waiting Tables

2011-03-10T22:56:00.003-07:00

Serving, the job description, has it's own culture. Wow! I guess I always naively thought that movies like "Waiting" (2005) were totally made up and for comedic value only. Turns out I was terribly wrong. And I've only just brushed the stainless steel surface of the industry in the last two weeks.

People have a different attitude. In many ways they either polarize on the side of crazy unnecessary drama or they're amazingly laid back. They come in all shapes and sizes. There are the crazy gossip chains, the rumors, people sleeping around with other co-workers, death threats (joking only... well, sometimes) muttered under the breath over the table of demanding "guests", people having a mental meltdown (ha ha, that was me), and a plethora of inside jokes. It's amazing. More so than any other job I've had, this new one takes the cake for it's crazy little secrets and quirks. The closest I've ever come to it is the coffee culture that comes with being a barista at any number of different coffee shops out there. Another world altogether, but one that's much easier to access if you're a regular.

When it comes to the restaurant business there really are two sides. The customer on one, the staff on the other. What a customer sees is usually nothing close to what's actually happening. And what a server sees is totally different. It's like a massive collision of two different perspectives in an age-old setting. And it works! For example, when you're the customer, you see the hospitality side of things, the good front, the cheery face, the mom/highschool student/college kid/two-job worker who's there to make sure that you get to eat and eat well and in a timely manner. Your whole experience is what you're getting out of it and how many stars to give it. On the flip side, as a server, you have a different outlook. You're the totally normal (or hey, maybe you are the odd child and you know it) yet totally unique and individual team member who's working to make sure you get as much out of the table as you can. Those tips are vital, a good review, key. You're also completely in it for what you can get out of it, but for different reasons. You're far from the model employee with the generic smile and scripted presentation. You're fiesty, chill, angry, stressed, overjoyed, hyper and any other crazy emotion out there. You have your bitch session around the corner, catch up on your co-worker's life, grab a quick smoke between tables. It's far more involved than I realized. It's fast paced (most of the time) and totally kicks your ass.

Now I know that every job has it's own "thing", but serving is a much different world in it's layout and presentation than I gave it credit for. Movies like "Waiting" now make a lot more sense.

And that's all I have to say for now. Lol

A Question About Subculture

2011-02-18T20:23:00.004-07:00

Or at least that's the title I could settle on for this post.

The last couple days I've been listening to George Michael. I don't know what it is about his music but it always takes me back to nights at JR's, the local gay bar hotspot (one of them), and all the fun I have when I'm there. The atmosphere is friendly, the drinks are good and always heavy if you treat your bartenders right and show face on a regular basis, and the music is a constant blend of anything modern back to the 80's.

JR's was the first "gay" place I was taken to by a buddy of mine. I'd only been out of the closet for around 5-6 months and he was determined to get me indoctrinated and laid. Thank goodness. My first reaction to the hopping little joint was awe. I'd been in bars off and on since turning 21 a few months prior, but they were mostly cowboy bars and those places definitely had a different feel to them back then. This place was friendly, lively, filled with guys kissing guys, girls holding girl's hands, all the music that threatened to ignite a holy gay fire in your heart, and shirtless bartenders. Paradise is a gross understatement. But what really got me was the realization that I could be every ounce the gay man that I was and I would get nothing but cheers and encouragement from the people around me. I don't know that anything like that really exists for my friends who are straight. Maybe.

This brought up a question in my mind. Are we as human beings driven to find our own kind in the different "subcultures" that exist under and outside of the over-culture that runs the world today? Is this how we find our diversity and yet maintain a security found in people who are "just like us"?

While many people strive to be "normal" no-one that I know of would really want to truly be normal. To be so would be to cease striving against the norm and would result in a total lack of life or drive. Essentially, life would stop and whether the physical body followed suit or not that person would die inside. Some people achieve some level of this, but most of them eventually snap out of it again. The human doesn't want to die.

My post tonight is short, but hopefully thought-provoking.

Winter and Wonderland

2011-02-05T23:21:00.003-07:00

I love this weather we're getting right now across the US. Here in Colorado it's coming down in a fine mist. Muthafuckin' Christmas snow in February. I will never understand why we're always two months behind with the weather. Whatever, I'll enjoy it while I can. Don't get me wrong, I am a little tired of winter, but nights like this spark the imagination. It apparently also sparks a sex drive and self-analyzing thought processes.

It may just be that it's Saturday and everyone wants to be out clubbing and socializing (or at least they do in my world), but I seem to have this unquenchable desire to listen to beat-heavy, hip-twisting music of the raunchy sort. I blame this on Rihanna's new song "S&M" (see below) and on a need to get the shag on with anyone of the male gender. This led to a whole parade on Facebook of some of my favorites. Definitely all songs I'd love to do the deed to. Does the song "Porn Star Dancing" properly communicate exactly where I'm at right now?

This is where the "Wonderland" comes into it. Anytime I start self-analyzing it turns into some weird, tripped out adventure into oblivion, much like Lewis Carroll's world. With all this sex on the brain it would appear that I was a perfectly normal gay man in his mid-20's.... holy shit, I'm 25... But where it gets weird is where you consider that I have next to no desire to go out and pursue guys. At least not right now. So my brain is telling me that "yes, Strange, you should go get hot and nasty with the brownchikinbrowncow" but my body is actually telling me "eh, dude, we are so not behind that sentiment." While I have no desire to fully expand on my thought process in a blog on the internet at this exact point in time, I have to wonder if there's a wall between my body and my brain. Are they two separate entities battling for control? Am I really two people with different agendas? Am I an alien? What exactly consists of war between entity pieces? Am I over thinking this? Oh yes.

Enjoy a bit of sexy.

The Wheel

2011-01-26T00:08:00.001-07:00

"I am the axel on which the wheel turns."

This was my thought tonight as I drove home from my coffee haunt. Not one that is new for me. I've created a meditation in the past to monitor my position on the "Wheel of Fortune" and without careful attention to it, shit inevitably gets all over the fan blades. So I return to a practice and rite that has given me success in the past. My only question now is what the cost will be to spin the wheel back to fortune and prosperity. We'll see.

Craving Candy... and a Job

2011-01-25T02:46:00.003-07:00

I'm up at an ungodly hour and the urge to blog is on me again. Some day I'll figure it out. I think it may be the mix of the high school playlist on Pandora and way too much time to think. The highlights of the last half hour have been the Verve and good ol' Nick Lachey. Youtube and Vevo are stupid and won't allow an embed of the Verve's video, but Nick's was available so check out the link above and the video below to get an idea of my listening experience.

While you're enjoying the audio hotness of said artists, keep reading.

Since my last legitimate post in September (2010) was in no way an update of any kind, I feel a bit behind. Why, you ask? Because the completionist (thank you Tal for that terminology) in me likes to update and catalog everything it can. Tonight, though, I think I'll try a different approach and not bore you, my invisible and unstimulated readers, into tears with things you most likely already know from my facebook updates and twitter ramblings (all 140 character's worth). So on to the important stuff.

I am plagued, or blessed, with unemployment as of two weeks ago, roughly. I give two possibilities because they are both very possible, to one degree or another... or altogether equally the same... or wholly 100% definite.... play with that paradox 'til your little hooman brain squeals... Despite where my subconscious-led perception takes me, I am adopting a positive approach in a rebellious act of middle-finger defiance to the chaotic outer dark entities who threw the dice on this job situation in the first place. I'm sure they enjoy it as much as I do. We've got a very special relationship going. I've taken on the view that the best direction for me is a mostly new one, fresh with undiscovered, ripened possibilities. The fact that I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing or where this is going is quite unimportant really. Who cares? The blessing is found in the reinvention of myself and the life I encapsulate "myself" in allowing new things in and old, unused things a way out the back door. The plague side of it is mostly a reaction to being in the "unemployment" situation again. I've been there, done that so many times, but each time I've done the same old thing with the same eventual result. Quote me the definition of insanity and I just might feast on your eyeballs. My solution- avoid the plague.

My thought process has been as follows- depression, fuck depression I'll win the lotto, I wonder if I can get a job as an escort, I wonder who's hiring within a five minute drive from my home, depression (again), I should call someone, maybe I'll sell my art, fuck I don't have a decent portfolio going right now, remember to work on portfolio later, check facebook, check online job listings, google top ten jobs to work from home, depression (yet again), damn I've got a lot of bills, those damn dead people don't have to deal with this shit, maybe I'll watch a scary movie, yeah I'll play the lotto, this damn economy better shape up soon, I need food.

Astute readers will notice that sex doesn't enter in there at all. That's right, I've literally not been thinking about sex at the usual frequency. And now back to what we all really want to read about.

I've found that with my options really open at the moment the one thing different this time from previous unemployment dilemmas is the fact that I don't want to pick up and move to a new location. I like where I'm at and want to find a way to stick it out in my current home. I'm also very much in the mood to win the lotto. The Colorado lottery is currently at 20 million and I'd be very happy to take home a 1 million dollar slice of that. In fact, I'm going to keep playing until I snag that prize. I know, all the odds fall against me, but hey, someone's gotta win so why not me? Thank you, Universe, in advance for your help with that. My other options are still wide open and will come into effect in short order. In the meantime I'm going to probably have to get any job available to pay the bills, but with all the good things on the horizon (yes, they're there, goddamn it) I don't anticipate needing it for very long.

I love talking about all of this so much I don't want to stop blogging, but a lengthy blog post the readers will not appreciate, so it must come to an end. On a positive note, things will get better even if they have to get worse for a bit to emphasize the good stuff when it rolls in. If you're in the same spot I am right now, hang tight.

Humanity- It's what's for dinner

2010-09-24T07:17:00.001-06:00

Banned Zen Sayings

2010-09-11T20:22:00.001-06:00

Found this tonight in an old box of tarot cards. These were bits of wisdom I found and held onto when I moved here to CO. They were promptly pulled from where I displayed them in my room while living with my grandparents and tossed into a trash bin. The paper still has the stains on it. Hanging onto this piece of paper has only refreshed old anger, so I'm burning it. However, the sayings on it are valuable to me and I think should be preserved.

- No matter what people say about you, know who you are. Their blame can't injure you, nor can their praise elevate you. You are what you are; nothing anyone can say can change that.

-Perfection isn't found in everything going right, but rather in accepting the beauty of what's happening moment to moment.

- The river flows, the mountain remains motionless. The river can't remain still, nor can the mountain flow. Is one right or wrong? Our dharma (duty) is to do what's ours to do, not to be like others.

- Become aware. It's a good practice to watch life as you would a movie. Be completely involved with it while it's happening, and then leave it behind when it's done. This is the way of detachment.

In Honour of the Male

2010-08-23T12:37:00.002-06:00

I went to the woods to find my beloved,
My hair unbound,unbound my very being if not in love for him.
I went to the woods to find my beloved,
But my beloved was not there.
I called in the valley, but he did not answer,
I cried in our grove, but he did not come.
The mountain wolves found me, they hunted me for their prey.
The wolves chased me back to my home.

I charge you, oh brothers and sisters of my tribe,
If you find my beloved, tell him that I am heartsick and beaten.
What is thy beloved more than another beloved?
What is thy beloved more than another beloved that thou doest charge us?

Oh, my beloved is beautiful!
The raging stormy sea for his eyes,
Swimming with green Mother of Pearl,
Framed with thundercloud lashes,
Carrying in aside the threat of Winter's devastation the promise of Summer.
Dark chestnut bark for his hair,
Decked with crimson morning hue,
Bristled as the mighty boar's back,
Soft as the selkie's coat,
An Autumn forest in evening light,
The eclipsed moon rising.
His movement like the young stag,
Gliding and sliding through the forest,
Striding across the heath,
But gentle, oh so gentle, his touch,
Late summer's gossamer on my skin,
Holding fast as the roots of the might oak.
His presence a shining light,
The soft moon's glow on his skin.
Fragrant his embrace like Spring flowers.
His voice a calling bell resonating deep within me.
A seidh-spawn of an earthly norris,
Fairest among men.
This is my friend,
This is my beloved,
Oh brothers and sisters of my tribe.

- Daniel MacKenzie

To the best of my ability, I copied this from the Druidcast podcast to share in text form here. If you want to hear Daniel recite it, check out Episode 39 of the Druidcast podcast.

It's My Freaking Will To...

2010-08-07T22:18:00.004-06:00

-See.

-Love.

-Grow.

-Laugh.

-Create.

-Be god.

-Be strong.

-Be inspired.

-Understand.

-Know myself.

-Institute order.

-Be prosperous.

-Post crazy blogs.

-Be unconcerned.

-Have abundant joy.

-Be deserving of lust.

-Be abundantly happy.

-Be deserving of respect.

-Know uncommon things.

-Be surrounded by friends.

-Have more money than I need.

-Have the balls to say "Fuck you."

-Inspire others to empower themselves.

-Be unconcerned with the opinions of everyone else.

-Smile at things that nobody would smile at.

-Be deserving of great knowledge.

-Dance at the edge of all that is.

-Make shit up and laugh at it.

-Reinforce my own worth.

-Connect with the world.

-Keep my own counsel.

-Be deserving of love.

-Be mentally sound.

-Be wholly myself.

-Live in freedom.

-Speak honestly.

-Rule my world.

-Communicate.

-Be powerful.

-Make chaos.

-Be fearless.

-Destroy.

-Inspire.

-Desire.

-Teach.

-Make all this and more happen through practice, discipline and clear thinking.

And thus ends my brain spillage for the evening.

Pens and Paper and Stories

2010-07-21T15:15:00.001-06:00

There's a book where your story was written and and read, where your name was woven in with others and loved, where simple embelishment was commonplace. But on a morning wind, cold and angry, the fate that was written was shattered by your hand and the love that wove itself in and around your name recoiled at the action. It was after that you saw that it was not freely given and a fight against a destiny meant a rewrite of the script. Now your name is no longer written, and the ties that were are discarded in haste. As time moves forward, the hand moves backwards and your name becomes an ink spot or coffee stain. From time to time, other pens touch the page with your name but it never goes further than a sentence or two. Lost in jumble of a history of a different course, your only option is to open another book, white pages pure and untouched, and begin to carefully give the name a new home. Only after starting a line or two do you realize that there are smudges on your page. And as you look at the ink, dark and different, swirling in the patterns of your own handprint, you feel a bittersweet comfort knowing that a bit of the book that spawned your name has found its way into a new history. Maybe in time the stains on your hand will fade and each day will start truly fresh and free.

Stairs in Winter

2010-02-21T12:25:00.001-07:00

Wishing, It's What's for Dinner

2010-01-15T02:01:00.001-07:00

Okay, maybe it has nothing to do with dinner. But it's good, no denying that. In a weird headspace, totally over caffeinated, and after having just talked to a friend about their money troubles I found myself in an emotional spot. I felt love and wanted to share it. The first thing that came to mind was that I wished I had the money and financial stability to be able to help out my friends in tough financial situations right now. To be able to give without expecting anything in return, to be able to invest in the security and happiness of the people I love or care for.

Now as wonderful as this sounds I also understand that my desire to do this is not completely unselfish. Yes, it would make me feel good. I would feel good about myself and, if allowed to run unchecked, could drive my ego to a very bad place. But I've never (I think) had trouble with ego-invested giving. I've always just given without a second thought. This has gotten me into trouble, true, but it is one of the ways I show love and I've never regretted having given and loved in that way. I'd like to continue to do that minus the financial trouble.

So, in true Disney fashion it would seem, I wished on a star. Now this is not the shallow "starlight, star bright" crap from Pinochio, though there are bigger meanings to all of that story if you go deeper. I took it to a more magickal level.

Today being Friday means that it is Freya's day, the day of Love, Venus' day. It also happens to be a day drenched in the power of a partial lunar eclipse. Mercury just left retrograde. And this bad witch doesn't have a clue what the moon's doing, but I believe she's gone dark, good for beginnings, birthing new ideas, creation. So my petition/wish to the beautiful Morning Star, Lady of Love, was one of assistance in realizing my wish. To channel love and alchemically transform it into prosperity to then give back to those who've shown me love. Freya is pretty good with such things, and partnered with the great Jupiter and his amazing expansive power right now has put some amazing currents out there.

So I've wished upon a star. And it was good. And now the caffeine has other plans.

Spinning

2010-01-07T10:11:00.001-07:00

I'm now a yarn spinning crazy person! I got this drop spindle from my friend Slithershimmy and am utterly hooked. The roving she gave me is a really cool hunter green and spins nicely. Had to let all my blog peeps know, well, 'cus most of you are yarn whores.

Future and Career

2009-12-29T22:48:00.001-07:00

In the last couple days I have talked about a positive outlook on the coming year. It seems to come up in a lot of conversations, notably one today. I ask the question- Are careers inconsequential in our current situation?

I suck at politics and money and probably have no good background for bringing this up, but hey, it's my blog and I can at least voice my very likely uneducated opinions.

From discussions with friends with better financial and professional backgrounds I've heard over and over that our views of a person's work history have changed dramatically over the last ten years, even longer. Maybe the last forty. Staying with one job at the same company for 20+ years is a thing of the past. Employers like the renaissance type- someone who has had a multitude of experience over several jobs whether within one field or in many. This changes the modern professional's approach to their work and steps toward a career. Is a career outside of their reach or is it within their grasp? It's all in their hands. Based on the type of job they want to land and the kind of money they want to make they have many options open to them. They could stay with one company and try to climb their way to the top. They could jump opportunistically from job to job until they reach the point they are shooting for and the salary they wish to make. Risky but exciting. Or they could strike out on their own as an entrepreneur and create their own path to wealth and prosperity. These are three common roads.

For myself, I like and strive to one day create my own career with myself as my boss. But this is not doable right at this moment. I've never found the static first choice to be very useful to me because I tend to quickly lose interest. So I work within the second model.

Having never finished college and not currently planning to return I find myself constantly viewing options and jumping at new avenues as they come up. This works for me. Keeps me engaged. Until the crash of the economy I had progressively moved up in pay with each new job I took on over a course of six years. Granted, it was never a huge leap, but I always went up. With the current and much needed job I have taken quite a pay cut. And this has made me think about the future. What can I start doing right now to begin a process that will yield results I am looking for a.k.a a career of my choosing with all the elements I consider to be essential to a great line of work and an enjoyable job experience? And I've begun to seriously evaluate where I want to go.

I've not yet decided what exactly it is I'm shooting for, but a have a hazy collage of mismatched ideas and dreams that given the right glue will all fall together at some point. For now I'm supremely happy that I understand I have options and that whether we call it a career or a job, it will be a great adventure when the time comes.

Do I need a degree? I doubt it. Should I stay with every job as long as I can and focus on working my way up? Maybe, but never to the extreme that I lose focus of the end goal. Do I think I'll figure this out in '10? Probably not, but I intend to make some headway. Life is moving on every minute and it's time I started finding ways to enjoy living it the way I dream I do.

And that's my thoughts tonight. Scrambled, but mine.

The Gods- Musings and Ramblings

2009-12-29T02:59:00.001-07:00

K, so this is gonna be one of those deep thinking posts. But hey, with as much as I am not-committing-in-order-to-trick-myself-into-keeping-this-up-and-in-reality-committing to posting every day, there will be some shallow posts from time to time so it never gets too deep.

It's been on my mind quite a bit and sparked a great convo with my roommate on the nature of these things/beings/ideas that we call gods. There are many names for them and even more perspectives on what they are. A friend recently asked me how I see the divinity as a witch, whether it was as one divine source of all things, a dual aspect idea of male/female and light/dark, as many separate beings each with their own reality, or something else, to which I replied (in a nutshell) "yes". I see it as all of those.

Every religion with it's own link to the divine has boxed in how the god/dess/s can manifest in their reality. Sometimes they even go so far as to not box it in which usually results in a bigger box. Categorization. We need it to comprehend. We also sometimes try to move beyond boxed thinking and it can be tricky. Really hard to put to words. But we will always manage to wrap some sort of form around it in order to allow it the place in our lives that need it.

My own thinking trends towards models that I have built from my own experience of God. I choose to cling very loosely to belief and go with what I know. I know that I have experienced connection to a source concept of God. My whole being is one with that source. Quantum theory supports this. Everything is matter and energy, and matter is just energy condensed in a way. The logic follows that everything is energy and we are all a part of each other. We come from God and God comes from us. Inseparable. I also have experienced light and dark, good and bad, yin and yang, and know that these are just dual faces of God and yet separate entities at the same time. Dual and unified. Very recently I have worked specifically with gods of form and function. Pan, Hades, and Cerridwen. Aspects and archetypes of human experience and a few of the facets of divinity. Yet they are each other and all the same thing. And finally, I have experienced my own god soul. It's that part of me that is divine, closely connected with divinity and divinity in me. A bright flame of godhood that burns in the vessel of my body. Without it I am incomplete. To unite fully with it is to be whole, fully self possessed.

These are my gods. They manifest in many ways and not always in ways I expect. They are allies, friends, teachers and extensions. With them I am co-creating the world I exist in. With their requested assistance I make powerful magick. From them I gain knowledge and understanding. They are essential for my experience of other realms of existence and I am essential to their experience of this physical reality.

Yesterday I talked about falling in love with the world. In many creation myths and particularly the Feri version the goddess creates the world out of an act of love. If then I truly fall in love with the world, what amazing things will we create together?

I am going to find out.

Fall in Love with the World

2009-12-27T22:10:00.003-07:00

It's been a while since my last post. Today I read many of the new postings on my Adopted Mom's blog, My Little Room, and really felt very happy that an element that used to be such a fun and personally important part of my weekly routine of blog reading had returned. I hadn't realized how far gone i'd been from the blogger's sphere.

So now I sit here in my cozy room in my cozy house listening to music from my early years (lol, post-highschool and "early adult" years) and fully enveloped in good feelings and a happy, whole, contented settling in my other part/vibrational otherself/soul.

I've been ridiculously optimistic about life lately and it's been a great change. I don't know exactly what to credit for that as a great many things just seem to be good, even in spite of everyday concerns over typical, mundane things. The stars have literally aligned for me along with those floaty bits we call planets. Big things are up and coming with the coven and my ongoing magickal edumacation and every day seems to bring new magick and mystery where before things were just too muggle. My job with the spice shop is good, far from perfect, but really good and I have a lot to be thankful for with having a job. Money is just as tight as it always has been, but somehow it doesn't weigh on me like it has in the past. I'm creating a home and loving every minute of it. I have been really aware of how many amazing people are friends of mine and how many of them are so very unique and amazing. The frackin' holidays have really brought in some great memories alongside the usual frustrations that always rear their ugly heads. I've rediscovered some old artsy loves and started enjoying them. The sky really does seem to be the limit.

This crazy optimism has been really helpful for me in my interactions with so many friends who seem to be having a rough time of it right now. It's allowed me to be able to really listen and hopefully offer help that is beneficial in some way. I like beaing able to be there for friends. I haven't always been emotionally and physically able to be that person, but lately its been easy and I'm happy to be able to help my friends out in that way.

The muggle new year 2010 holds a lot of promise. I look forward to discovering new adventures, making new memories, seeing old friends, starting new and healthier pursuits and hobbies and even getting more involved in environmental activism and the gay and pagan communities. The possibilities abound for co-creating amazing change in the world this year. We are ready for it as a global community. actively involving oneself in such an amazing venture is the stuff of dreams. I feel compelled to weave the positive energy i am drenched in right now into the information network out there in the hopes that new and bigger things can happen.

I want to fall in love with the World this year. And as cheesy and New Agey as all of this sounds right now, its heartfelt and kind of intoxicating. Find your connection to the people in your life and get drunk on happiness.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-17T22:10:00.004-06:00

In Praise of Kala

2009-06-04T18:35:00.005-06:00

Recent events in my everyday life have prompted the use of and appreciation of Kala. Kala is a state of being where one is free and unrestricted by the turmoil that is derived of inner and outer influences. "Making Kala" is a ritual most often found in Feri traditions and one that my own tradition makes use of. Here is an exerpt from FeriTradition.org that gives a little better explanation-

"The Kala rite is arguably one of the most important pieces of Feri tradition practice. From the Hawaiian word meaning “to loosen, untie, or absolve” this simple ritual provides us with an opportunity to transform negative energies and blockages within ourselves, as well as to reclaim the power that these blocks have “tied up” within our energy bodies."

-The Kala Rite

A Feri Ritual of Purification

Yesterday I had an interview with a company looking to open a new store in Littleton, CO where I live. Prior to driving out to the place where I would be meeting the Employee Relations rep I sat in my daily practice of breathing and meditation and followed it up with the Kala ritual. Now, I don't do this as regularly as I should, which is a mystery even to me, but every time I do I remember just how amazing it feels to release yourself from the limitations and stress that we all inflict on ourselves. It's literally a feeling of becoming lighter. The phrase "walking on sunshine" comes to mind. K, I feel cheesy now.

Following that, I took off for the interview and mentally prepped myself for the questions I knew they'd be asking. In the past, when I've done this pre-interview run through I always end up getting my nerves going. Funny, it didn't happen this time. When I arrived at the store, I was asked to wait for a few minutes as I was about ten minutes early. While standing there I found myself chatting away to two of the employees as easily as if I'd been hanging around all day. Kinda odd for me, the introverted Gemini.

After meeting the rep and store manager and beginning the interview I noticed that the entire 45 minute interview went smoothly and was completely in my control. The conversation went where I wanted it to and I was able to highlight various aspects of myself and my work history that I knew would help them understand what I was bringing to the table. The entire thing was a totally new experience for me. Never have I connected right off the bat with two people who were scrutinizing my job life over the last few years. I credit this with being kala.

The results of the interview were standard (we love what we see however we do need to finalize blah blah and will be calling everyone next Tuesday) except for the offer of the full-time key holder/supervisor position. I was a little surprised, but told them that yes, I was very interested in that position and would prefer it. Handshakehandshakesonicetomeetyouthankyouforcomingin, and I was done. What a breeze.

This experience has shown me just how much staying kala reflects back to us in everyday situations. Had I not been so present for that interview, hell, for that hour, I might not have made the impression that I did or gotten the attention that was needed to set off a flag with my name on it over the full-time position. The inner skeptic in me wants to dissect the whole thing and play devil's advocate, and it will for a while, but the experience itself has been enough to change my thinking on this ritual. What might have seemed unneeded or blah before has now shown me just how useful to daily living it is. And that is why this post is titled "In Praise of Kala."

Here's a few sites if you want more info on being kala-

Lillith's Lantern

The Witches' Voice: Adult Pagan Essay Series

PonderEthereal

And, as Shen-tat likes to say, stay kala, my friends!

Wordless Wednesdays

2009-06-03T20:27:00.002-06:00

Bird Busta Move

2009-05-28T09:48:00.002-06:00

Ha ha! I just got a mini performance from a red-headed House Finch as I sat sipping coffee and smoking. It was cool!

I had just relaxed and was enjoying all the birds chirping in the neighborhood in the "early morning" light. Lol, early morning. Despite all my moving around a very sociable guy dropped down right in front of me and gave a few inquisitorial tweets. After saying hello and giving him the go for it mental telepathy thing I always do and that never works he busted out with a bird rhyme. It was pretty. While I'm not inclined to take a Snow White approach to this kind of thing, I have to admit I did enjoy it. When nature gets right up in your face, you had better enjoy it.

And that was the extent of it. No encore, but that's okay. I'm hoping the local humming bird will stop by next and get a little friendly with me.

Beltania 2009

2009-05-12T02:43:00.005-06:00

I'm back, all! The last two weeks have been a bit of a blur. Final preparations for Beltania, getting things in order, and riding the creative wave that carried all the way through this past weekend.

My first foray into paper mache went over really well. As part of my coven's participation in Beltania, a local Colorado pagan festival, we performed a ritual for the full moon in Scorpio utilizing the energies of the Egyptian god Osiris and goddess Hathor. In order to expand the ritual drama we would be enacting, full costumes needed to be crafted. So my project was to create the white crown of Upper Egypt, the horned headpiece of Hathor, and the shen, a tool of the gods that was symbolic of eternity and grants protection, that Hathor would carry and use to grant eternity and protection to the participants of the ritual and later to raise the dead god to life. Each of these pieces came out beautifully and so much better than I really had expected they would. Yeah, there was definitely blood, sweat, and almost tears that went into it, but it was so worth it. I spent 40+ hours on it, granted at a moderate pace.

The festival had so many amazing things about it. Friday started off in true Mercury retrograde but ended up with us getting to the festival on time and all set to perform our full moon ritual with the lovely Wendy Rule! It went off beautifully with many of the participants really finding meaning in it and connecting with Hathor and Osiris. It was really amazing to see. Afterwards, we partied! Much needed after all the hard work that everyone put into the ritual preparations. The post ritual celebration also opened up to some really great conversations with other pagans at the festival and drinks all around. This was one of my favorite parts to the weekend.

The all-night drumming circle was another highlight. At midnight, the witching hour, a bonfire was lit in the Wild Meadows and drummers setup and started their rhythmic beating. People immediately flocked to the circle and began dancing. It was an awesome sight. Fire dancers moved around the outside of the ring of light creating mesmerizing displays of whirling energy and pagans danced. Danced just like they did around the Beltane fires a thousand years ago. And all the time the flicker of the bonfire lit up the drummers as they beat the drums and chanted songs to the goddess and the earth. It felt like a living rendition of the Beltane fire celebrations in Marion Zimmer Bradley's book The Mists of Avalon. I stayed through the frenzied fire dancing, the call and respond of the peacocks, and the quiet meditation as the dawn started to show in the east.

Saturday started off with a massive hangover and only four hours of sleep. My plans for attending the workshops that morning really went to shit. After breakfast and some quiet relaxing with fellow camping buddies and coven members I headed to Merchant Row to check out what was being peddled on the green. I found more cool stuff than I could believe. Masks, drums, staffs, wands, statues, books, cloaks of all kinds. It was inspiring. I now want to do every kind of craft out there. Just what I need. Lol. Then came the may pole ritual! It was fun and crazy. Joy from Living Earth did a beautiful job conducting the ritual with her partner who's name I can't remember to save my life. It was great though. Our own Shen-tat even participated in the ritual as the holder of the Northern energies during the weaving of the ribbons. So many people got to participate and it ended up being a lot of fun.

Come seven o'clock, we were treated to the Australian witch and pagan folklore singer Wendy Rule. It's really hard to relate just how awesome her singing is. Listening to her on CD is just not the same. Her concert began with the circle casting and calling of the elements and ended with a devocation of the elements and a downpour of rain. Magick would not keep it at bay any longer. But that's what you get when you camp. It ended up being a good excuse to huddle in the Taj Mahal at camp and drink some more and relate funny stories. Mention of a book of ghost stories came up and went down on the lists as part of our luggage for Dragonfest. Then it was off to a very cold evening in the tent and another short night.

Everything really wrapped up on Sunday with more people thanking and complementing the coven on Friday's ritual and the costumery which really helped my ego to get nice and fat. It was such a beautiful morning held all kinds of interactions with the pagans hanging out and waiting to leave camp. After a few goodbyes we packed up our campsite and got ourselves onto the road to head back to Denver.

Coming back from that mini vacation really was hard to do. My mind and spirit really wanted to stay there and revel in the openness and community that I felt while I was there. It was healing for me and something I will now get to look forward to every year. But all good things must come to an end. What is important is what I take home from that experience and how I choose to improve my life with it. Strength is the quality that has come to my mind each time I ask myself what I have come back with. Strength of being, strength of character, knowing that we are alive and strong in the world and that we can do whatever we set our minds to.

Death and Rebirth All in the Planter

2009-04-16T13:53:00.001-06:00

K, so I thought my little green growing plant friends had bitten the dust. All of this due to the fact that I put them out in sunlight WAY too early. Thankfully though, when everything looked grim and dead and dry, I noticed a few small roots in the bottom of the container and decided to try a last resort of soaking the dirt mass in its totality. Turns out, that was exactly what the little fuckers needed. So, I've lost three of the original sprouts, but the big long one in the center has revived and three new shoots have popped up. It's like an episode of ER- birth and death all in the same episode, only my story is more like birth and death in the same plastic planter. Sigh, drama of the little plant people. I should air a plant soap opera. I'm truly losing it now. Enjoy the pics!

Honey and Cinnamon

2009-04-14T10:54:00.003-06:00

Yeah, I've been saying this for a while and now I've found some interesting information all piled into one article thanks to a friend of mine. I'll be putting a lot of these remedies to work in the next year. Check 'em out.

As a bee-keeper, I can testify to the marvelous medicinal value of honey. However, I have never used it in conjunction with Cinnamon. Sounds like a great idea to me.

Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will do what I rather call "crystallizing".

When this happens I loosen the lid, boil some water, and sit the honey container in the hot water, off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was.

Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Cinnamon and Honey

~ Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around.~

Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:

It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases. Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a 'Ram Ban' (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases.

Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients.

Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada, in its issue dated 17 January,1995 has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:

HEART DISEASES: Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack. Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat. In America and Canada, various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

ARTHRITIS: Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain.

BLADDER INFECTIONS: Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.

CHOLESTEROL: Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in
16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours. As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol.

COLDS: Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with 1/4 spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

UPSET STOMACH: Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

GAS: According to the studies done in India and Japan, it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

IMMUNE SYSTEM: Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacteria and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

INDIGESTION: Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

INFLUENZA: A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a natural ' Ingredient' which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

LONGEVITY: Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink 1/4 cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

PIMPLES: Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

SKIN INFECTIONS: Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

WEIGHT LOSS: Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat a high calorie diet.

CANCER: Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

FATIGUE: Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 P.M. when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

BAD BREATH: People of South America, first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

HEARING LOSS: Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

You might want to share this information with a friend, kinfolks and loved ones. Everyone needs healthy help information ~ what they do with it is up to them ~ share with your email buddies!!!!!

Reinvention 2009

2009-04-08T19:51:00.006-06:00

Today I spent the afternoon deleting my accounts with various dating and hookup sites I've been a member with for the last three to four years. The reason for it was kind of obscure even to me. Each disconnect email asked specifically why I wouldn't be using their service anymore and all I had for them was "Other" or "No Reason." So why did I feel this need to wipe myself from the gay dating radar?

A few things come to mind and may help explain the reason. First, I really haven't gotten anything good out of them for a while now save a good short-termed dating relationship that ended with the guy moving away. Yes, they were all the source of some crazy, fun, and interesting hookups of which the actual number is even eluding me now, but none of them were really great. One ended up costing me a large sum of money and a horde of stress and drama that I never asked for. The first was somewhat life-changing as it was my first foray into sex and resulted in a regular fuckbuddy, but that got old quickly. And all the rest were odd with their own twist but taught me something else about life.

The second thing that comes to mind is that my direction in life at the moment is focused more on coven, job, and rebuilding. Yes, people do carry on with dating and relationships even in situations like mine, but think of the energy I will save on a daily basis by not having to worry whether any of the ten emails I received last week will be "the One," "the Next Big One," or "the Disaster." Also, by taking myself out of the dating pool I eliminate, for the most part, the attachments that stem from curious and interested guys who won't let it drop or who haven't spoken up. So, for the benefit of my personal focus and the conservation of energy I took those steps.

Third, by taking myself off the radar I now have the opportunity to work on me, both internally and externally, magically and mundanely. After getting to a point in my life where I have reinvented myself, I can decide to start pursuing dating again, online or in person. The new levels of confidence and the fresh perspective when I come back into those circles will have a great energy and will be productive instead of counter-productive like they are now. The image of the Hermit card in the Tarot keeps popping to mind today and I guess that is where my focus is right now.

I can feel the positive effects of this decision already. I don't think I really had a grip on how much stress those sites were dealing me. I mean, who really thinks of those sites as stress bubbles? But I've dumped it, and I'm feeling great. Went through my email today on Gmail, Yahoo! and Hotmail/MSN and unsubscribed from tons of newsletters and junk mail and the odd assortment of product emails and cleaned out the trash. That also felt amazing! Who knows how far I'll take this Spring cleaning fever! For now this feels like enough. May attack AOL tomorrow. Lol

Yoga of the Rat

2009-04-04T00:09:00.001-06:00

In the busy streets of a thriving city there flows a constant stream of traffic passing over miles of pavement and concrete every day. If you follow the dripping of the exhaust pipes and leaking trails of faulty oil tanks you'll find it flows into the gutters and down into the sewers and tunnels that spread beneath the city above. In this deep, otherworldly place you will find the denizens of the under belly. Bats, mice, the odd raccoon, a few pasty white alligators, the adventuring cat, insects of all kinds, and the rat. A rat that makes a huge discovery in this short story.

Don't think that this rat is the only one of his kind in the Underbelly. Of course there are others. Rodents are known for their ability to multiply in crazy numbers usually the fault of over active female rat partners, the ever horny guy rats, and the rat whores, a skanky brand of rodent that peddle their hairy butts around at bends in the pipe and intersections of tunnel works. Occasionally you may find a bit of lipstick in the bunch which they have copied from the gorgeous human females in the Above. But I've no desire to get into their trade here. That's another story. The point is, rats are many and constantly striving for a one up in the busy world of trash hording and refuse collecting.

Our rat was like any other out there. Working the daily grind, catching up on the latest news as it was passed around, venturing up to the city above for a new trinket or some spicy Indian food from a restaurant down three blocks from his house, and other odd daily activities. With these elements of his daily life came a certain amount of risk. The most obvious was the stereotypical menace of rodent life, Madame Pussycat. Many days seemed to end with a night at the local bar retelling the near misses of the day from a run in with the fuzzy pain in the butt. Life was good, but there was always something out there to make it tough or difficult.

It was at this bar on a Wednesday night that the rat met a cockroach tossing down a pint of whatever had been spilled in the street above when its prior owner leaned over the curb to blow his dinner into the street. This roach was definitely in an upbeat mood and when our buddy asked him what was good in his life the roach ranted and raved about his mad skill in avoiding the traditional dangers that come with everyday life. The rat couldn't believe there was a way to avoid the natural dangers of life on a daily basis and asked the roach to explain. The roach admitted he wasn't really avoiding anything, but with a new regime he did daily he had developed his senses and physical prowess to a level that gave him a one up on the gators, cats, and lurking birds. The rat was totally into this idea and prompted the creepy to give him an address where he could learn this technique.

Around the corner from the MilkBox Mansion and in a much more developed neighborhood complete with its own well maintained mold yards and automatic lighting for the street he found a small studio with a sign over the front that said SewerPrime Yoga. A new word, this "yoga." He checked himself in at the front desk and walked in to a class just getting ready to start. A very limber bat babe was stretching out at the head of classroom and immediately gave him a mat to plop down amongst the growing crowd of students. Positioning himself on the mat, the rat waited for the class to begin. With a quiet "welcome" the bat took her place at the front and began leading them through some quiet meditation. After the meditation began the most odd and disturbing sequences of bodily contortions you've ever seen and all seeming to be utterly pointless. Our rat didn't make a fuss though and worked through the random "asanas" and poses until it felt like his whole body was going to collapse. At the end of the class and with a parting namaste from the group the rat headed out shaking his head and wondering what the roach saw in this stuff.

The next day the rat noticed how much better he felt and how much more tuned in his ratty senses were. His altered state even allowed for him to finish up his daily dirty work early and stop in at the bar for a drink before heading home. The roach was there this evening and was impressed the rat actually went to the yoga class. The rat mentioned the pleasant side effects and the roach launched into another long rant about the benefits and pluses of his new way of life until the rat was finally convinced he had to go back to the class if for no other reason than to see what would drive the roach to such an obsessive love for this stuff. Which is what happened for the next four weeks until the rat started noticing how much more on top of his game he was and also how slow that fat gator seemed to be going these days. Life was getting a little easier. And with that he was totally sold on the idea and is still going as I'm writing this.

What's the point of this crazy ass story? Not really any point. I wanted a story about a rat that loved yoga. Hopefully I'll be taking yoga firmly in hand for a four week period myself which will then lead to a routine practice like my rat buddy.

Oh, and I don't have a rat. Just in case you were wondering.

New Friends

2009-04-03T03:07:00.003-06:00

My little green things have sprouted! Who knows what the hell they are, but it's a grand total of four sprouts that I see in there. These are my seeds from Ostara's ritual, planted to bring an end to the old and birth to the new. I've decided I'm going to keep updating the pictures of my little green buddies and posting them here with updates. Stay tuned!

Commit to This

2009-03-31T01:42:00.005-06:00

Commitment : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future ; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled commitment to a cause>

I've been mulling this word and its definition around in my head for a variety of reasons for the last few days. The above definition is from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary. The reason I ponder this is directly related to little things (and occasionally big things) in my life that I've committed to in the past and always seemed to fail so far from the goal. Don't think this whole thing is going to be a rant on how negatively impacted my life and consciousness are because of past missteps. I'm really trying to delve into the meaning of "commitment" and understand, in a public audience sort of way, how one can work through this issue.

Biggest problem with following through on commitment for me, right now, is my promise to myself to keep a daily practice going in an effort to understand who I am, become more aware of my body, and then keep myself present in my body so as to promote deeper growth and higher levels of awareness in myself. This is something I know I desire, and being a part-time control freak, want to master early on in my life. So why so hard? There are solid weeks where I fail to meditate at all and sometimes just a day or two at a time slips by with my not even having a thought towards my 10 minutes of sitting with myself focusing on breath and body. Part of me thinks this must be because I don't really want this that bad. Something I was told a lot growing up. Another part of me screams that the energy is there I just haven't unlocked my will to move forward yet and need to pull down what is blocking me. Still a third part of my mind says that it is merely a lesson to be learned and with continued perseverance I will prevail.

Other areas I've been less than perfect have involved other "me" things like committing to a workout schedule, better eating habits, taking time for Me, and improving relationships between friends and family. All of these are things I know I want and yet skip them over completely. Rarely, when other people are involved, usually in a work or school or social group setting, will I fail in my commitment, whatever that may be. Always there is a follow through and total completion of whatever task I'm given. Bosses have learned to rely on me and friends and family feel comfortable asking me to do something, anything. At least I think they do. Lol. So, is my motivator other people? Am I not capable of doing what I want to do? Do I think so little of myself that I don't value what I've promised myself? Maybe.

The Internet has been a bit of a waste in answering these questions, but About.com was fairly helpful in the article written by Keath Low titled "ADD and Commitments - Keep Those Commitments..." and I've included some of his advice here. His first piece is "Say Yes only when you mean Yes" and I can say I don't have an issue with this. I will rarely take on more than I can handle, and I have no excuse for not being able to do most of the things I commit to doing for myself. His second bit is sensible, and that is to break the task down into steps and set up a schedule to complete. God, I have so many issues with schedules and sticking to them. Issues, people. Despite all of this, it's great advice. It would be wise to try implementing his simple system for a few things and see how it works out.

I went on to read "ADD and Self Care" and found that I do most of these things or could easily implement them into my routine. No problems there. But what has caught my attention is that these and a few other articles I found all reference ADD and ADHD as common reasons for this problem. Please! Could I really have these? Granted, I've never been tested for it and I did show bad signs of being ADD in high school, but I've always been of the opinion that it was a type of learned behavior that could be reversed with a little disciplined thinking and operating.

So this obviously leads to further questions, but I'll save these for another time and post. For the time being I think it would help if I began some further research and meditation on what issues I may have with treating myself with respect. If I don't respect those I work for or seek to learn from, I take nothing away from the experience. The same applies to myself. A failure to put value in what I want for myself will only result in constant failure and a lack of following through on my commitments.

So I leave this post kind of open on the end and hopefully will have a closing land somewhere in another post down the road. Life is about constant change, evolution, and self-discovery. Here's to finding more out about myself and gaining a deeper awarenss of what makes me tick.

Thanks for listening in.

Perfect for Today

2009-03-21T03:08:00.007-06:00

Fuck You Very Much - Lyrics

Lily Allen

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind
And look a bit harder
Cause we’re so uninspired
So sick and tired
Of all the hatred you harbor

So you say it’s not okay to be gay
Well I think you’re just evil
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces
You’re point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small-minded?
You want to be like your father
It’s approval you’re after
Well that’s not how you’ll find it

Do you, do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful
Cause there’s a hole where your soul should be
You’re losing control of it
And it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

You say, you think we need to go to war
Well you're already in one.
Cause it's people like you that need to get sued
No-one wants your opinion

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much
Cause your words don’t translate
And it’s getting quite late
So please don’t stay in touch

For more on Lily Allen and to hear her music check out her iLike page and give "Fuck You Very Much" a listen.

Happy St. Paddy's Day

2009-03-17T12:10:00.002-06:00

This one's for the snakes! And may you all get a little leprechaun luck in your pockets today. Keep an eye out!

New Look 2009

2009-03-14T22:59:00.004-06:00

I don't remember when I changed the blog's look last, but I felt like I needed a dramatic shift. Thus the lack of dark colors and the now stark white slate with blood red highlights ready for my colorful or bleak ramblings. I'm still doing some adjustments on the script for this design that I downloaded from www.btemplates.com. Once that's done it should flow smoothly. Biggest itch right now is the lack of spacing between sections of the sidebars. Flaw in the original design. A few tweaks and I should get it fixed.

Let me know if there are any parts you find hard to use or annoying. I'll probably just tell you to suck it up, but don't let that discourage you. Lol Also, I did lose my site list when uploading this new template so it will be a bit before I get that up and running. Oh for the days of Photoshop. This thing would be in top notch performance if I had all the right tools. Someday soon.

Thanks for reading guys. Readership is up to a high daily average now. Why you people want to read this dirge, I don't know, but I love you for it. Lol

I Freakin' Love These Guys

2009-03-14T04:41:00.003-06:00

So I've been mulling around in my head a possible post for about a week now and while I could really do multiple posts on my idea, I've decided one will suffice.

I have many wise, intelligent, and smart people in my life which some might say I've been "blessed" to meet and others would say I was lucky. I think it's a good mixture of both. Being a person who believes in luck to a limited degree and also one who believes that we meet people based on our will and intention as it is put out to the matrix around us, I take the approach that yes, I am a lucky son of a bitch to have bumped into the people I have and also I am very "blessed," using that as the emotional good feeling type, to have crossed paths with various inspirational and witty individuals.

Many people come to mind as I think about this and while I'm not in any mood to list each and every one of them, you all know who you are. These people range from my very close family to lifelong friends and all the way to those who I've yet to meet in person or in spirit. They cover all classes and genders, races and titles, dispositions and orientations. They are my own very colorful palate of knowledge, wisdom, and direction. Each different and valuable in their own, sometimes messed up, way.

Every single one of these people has been a friend, parent, brother, sister, teacher, student, or peer to me, some more than just one of these. There are those who've helped me through rough times of growing up and seeing the other side of the maturation process. Some have been emotionally supportive when life had me down and again when life dealt me all the right cards. A few have sat through my rants and ravings and calmly showed me another side of an issue. Some have never said a thing to me but been around, just in case. All have taught me more about life and still have more to teach me still. Some are complete morons that in their own way show me how not to be and continue to make me love them for simply who they are. Some are brilliant and scare the crap out of me when I realize I may never have that same potential but still give me something to shoot for. I could go on and on.

I look back on my life almost daily and marvel that I still have not one thing that I regret, not one fact that I would change if I could. All of it has led me to who I am today and while I'm hardly perfect and barely strive for that I am very happy with where I've come from and where I plan to go. Each college buddy, mother, adopted family member, best friend, and dumb shit I've come across has influenced me in some way. Some would say many of these have been negative influences, and some would take my perspective on it and say that every one of them has had some good influence on me in one way or another to a large or small degree. Why change a thing?

I hope that I continue to attract and draw influential and wise people to me. For those that have come and gone, I hope they do some good in other people's lives like they have mine. For those that are still around, I plan on keep them around for as long as they can stand me. And I also hope that I continue to take the time to appreciate and reflect on how glad I am that they are around. That being said I plan to have another blog post like this in the future, just as a reminder.

Wise people are able to spread their love of one tree to the entire forest -- and, then, to the Source of the forest. Wise people are able to spread their love of one moment to all moments -- and, then, to the Source of all moments.

Laura Teresa Marquez

Early Morning Conversation

Shawn-ology

2009-03-07T03:26:00.005-07:00

I was up late and decided to catch up on some recent blogs my friends have posted and found this little dandy on my adopted mom's site! So, because it's insanely late and I plan on getting up at 8 tomorrow, I sat here and filled this out. Who am I kidding though? I loved it.

Shawn-ology

***********FOODOLOGY***************

1. What is your salad dressing of choice?

Custom made stuff is the best, but I'm partial to a little oil and salt and peppahar!

2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?

Way too many to try to list. I haven't picked a fave yet.

3.What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?

Pizza and Beer

4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?

Pepperoni and cheese and sometimes mushrooms

5. What do you like to put on your toast?

Butter

***********TECHNOLOGY***************

1. How many televisions are in your house?

4 at the moment

2.What color cell phone do you have?

Red

***************BIOLOGY******************

1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?

Right

2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?

Not surgically

3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?

Probably a sofa and some chests at a friend's

4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?

Nope. Been unconscious, though.

************BULLCRAPOLOGY**************

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

I guess. I already know how it's going to happen so when would just be cool.

2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?

Justin, Brian, or Aarron

3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?

What type of hot sauce is it?

************DUMBOLOGY******************

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?

I have so many minor run-ins with the cops I don't remember

3. Last person you talked to?

Mark before he went to bed.

4.Last person you hugged?

Val. She had some weird hug thing she wanted to try from an online article.

**************FAVORITOLOGY****************

1. Season?

Tough. Big fan of Summer, but I do like the cool down of Fall, not to mention its pure witchyness!

2. Day of the week?

Monday. The week always looks better from the start.

3. Month?

June. My birthday, which is becoming less and less important the older I get, lands in the middle.

***********CURRENTOLOGY*****************

1. Missing someone?

A lot of people. Being a hermit sucks after a while.

2. Mood?

Contemplative. Soaking up all kinds of new ideas.

3. What are you listening to?

Britney

4. Watching?

Saw Watchmen a couple hours ago.

5. Worrying about?

The lack of a job, the debt I'm getting into with a couple of minor companies, and whether or not I'm passing up any opportunities because I'm a blond dipshit sometimes.

***************RANDOMOLOGY*****************

1. First place you went this morning?

Shower

2. What's the last movie you saw?

Again, Watchmen. It was amazing.

3. Do you smile often?

When I'm consciously thinking about it. Otherwise I look very pissed off. Lol

4. Sleeping Alone Tonight?

Yeah. Sucks. I miss nights spent with someone else.

***************OTHER-OLOGY*****************

1. Do you always answer your phone?

Rarely. If I want to talk, I pick up.

2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?

One of my bar homies.

3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?

White-blue. I've always liked the shock value of really bright irises.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

Blehhhh!

5. Do you own a digital camera?

Yes, it's not working though.

6. Have you ever had a pet fish?

When I was three.

7. Favorite Christmas song.

Carol of the Bells

8. What's on your wish list for your birthday?

People to actually show up for once.

9. Can you do push ups?

Yes

10. Can you do a chin up?

One...or two...

11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

Excited!

12. Do you have any saved texts?

One, it's all my phoen will hold right now.

13. Ever been in a car wreck?

Gods, yes.

14. Do you have an accent?

Not until I hear a British one, then I'm stuck with that for a few days.

15. What is the last song to make you cry?

Moon River. My best friend left me for California on that song.

16. Plans tonight?

Going to bed in a few.

17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?

Yeah. At least a couple of times. Also called a Dark Night of the Soul.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.

I have a serious lack of money here, people! I'm not out buying things! Lol

19) Have you ever been given roses?

No, but I'd probably shred them if I did. I hate stereotypical romance.

20) Current worry?

Uhhhmmm....

21. Current hate right now?

How fucked up the country is right now and its immediate reflection on my life.

22. Met someone who changed your life?

Several. Check back tomorrow, I'll have a whole blog post on it.

23. How will you bring in the New Year?

Hopefully at a bar with pals.

24. What song represents you?

Defying Gravity from Wicked

25. Name three people who might complete this?

Schelli? She reads for sure, and maybe Val if she's bored, and hopefully you, my unknown reader. Yes, I know you're there. My traffic trackers tell me you poke your head in from time to time. Lol

26. What is something your friends make fun of you for?

Liking men and their hot, naked bodies. 'Course, I'm not one to hold back on the fodder for their cannons. Lol

Thoughts on Gay Marriage

2009-01-29T13:54:00.004-07:00

This is a letter that the daughter of a friend of mine wrote to another person expressing their view on gay marriage. When this friend of mine read it to a group of us, radiating an immense amount of pride at her daughter's well versed retort, I was also very impressed. This girl has a good head on her shoulders and I felt I had to share this with everyone else. In the light of such intense fighting on both sides of this issue and all the crap that you see at various political events (see picture), it's nice to hear someone argue their side so very well. The letter is used with the permission of all involved parties. Enjoy!

Having just opened the letter with a quick note on how she appreciated the person this letter is addressed to, she says-

... I just view it as not the place of the government to force the people of this country to believe or follow specific religions views on topics such as marriage. In this beautiful country of ours there is supposed to be a seperation of church and state. There are millions of people practicing many many different religions and it is not feasable for the government to make laws insisting people follow each and every one. This is the point of religious freedom in the US. So it is not the my place, or anyone's place to tell people what they should and should not believe or who they are or are not allowed to love and marry. Especially the government.

And if it is decided that this religious belief is important enough to make laws based on then it should make laws on all aspects of it. On this Divine marriage belief then divorce, children out of wedlock, single parents, adoption, Vegas marriage chapels, adultery, tv shows featuring people competing for marriage and money payoffs and all other non-traditional marriage related actions should all be outlawed. It doesn't seem fair to single out sections of people to eliminate rights for while letting other people who are also not following the traditional marriage beliefs face no consequences. My fiancee is not Christian. In fact he practices Buddhism, not strictly but that is still what is printed on his dogtags. So ours is not a traditional marriage either. So should we lose our right to marry as well? Simply because he is a man and I am a woman it is allowed?

I feel since God creates all people. Then God must create gay people as well. By doing so then he is in a sense changing the definition of humanity. And then some other "rules" should be changed as well. I see God as an all accepting loving being. And I don't see him as the type to tell certain people that they do not have the same rights as others simply because they happen to fall in love with someone of the same sex.

I just don't see it as my place, or anyones place, to eliminate millions of Americans rights to marry because they are different than I am. It won't affect my personal life, therefore it is not my place to say no it is not ok. At the end of the day, every single gay man and woman is still gay. Many are still in loving relationships. Still active members of their community. Still making this country great. Outlawing the benefits of their relationships doesn't make them hetrosexual. So who is it hurting to give them the same rights everyone else has?

I really didn't mean to start a debate on the topic, I'm just trying to explain my views on the matter so you have an understanding where I am coming from as well. There is just one question I have for you. If one of your children were homosexual would you not want them to be allowed to marry the person they loved?

Pretty well said. I, for my part, am cheering this girl on in any of her endeavors.

Sarah Weddington

2009-01-24T12:34:00.005-07:00

Last night I got to be in the same room with a little piece of history. That "history" was Sarah Weddington the lawyer who argued the side of Roe in the United States Supreme Court case Roe vs. Wade and was also the youngest person at that time to argue before the SC. While I am still riding on the excitement of getting to see this woman and haven't had any thoughts on the evening, this will be a short entry.

Sarah Weddington spoke at the Planned Parenthood Center in Stapeleton yesterday after having spoken at other places around town in celebration of the 36th anniversary of the victory of Roe vs. Wade back in 1973. The impact that that event had on our nation's growth and the move forward that that gives to many different human rights issues is unbelievable. Sarah spoke on her experiences and how that has enabled her to continue to help women's rights movements since and also commented on further work to make sure that we as Americans have the freedom to make our own choices.

Further thoughts on this even as well as Roe vs. Wade to come later. I'm still not awake. Lol

Another Tree-Hugging Blog Entry

2009-01-21T10:50:00.008-07:00

Waking up in a foul mood can have a huge impact on how you look at the world around you that day.

This morning I found myself awake at dawn suffering (oh, the melodrama) from a mild case of whatever the cat had yesterday. During the time spent taking her to the vet I was able to get a read on what the kitten was feeling and it felt like a mild case of the flu that we humans get from time to time. After getting the read, I didn't properly ground the energy picked up and got the full effect early this morning. Damn me and my energy work.

After improperly waking up from an "acid" dream to a fucked up eye, a headache carried on over from the night before, and a disturbing loss of all sense of time and space I found myself in a really pissy mood. The wrong side of the bed is an aptly used phrase here. All ailments aside, I have no idea why my otherwise perky overcoat I typically wear to the world had completely dissolved on waking. This led to some morning meditation.

Lately, while meditating I have focused on what I want and need from my life. This has taken me to one specific routine that I usually just fall into where I can feel the bounty of the Earth rising around me. The Earth is full of wealth and fruit just waiting for the labor. Okay, I say to myself, then why am I having such a difficult time finding work? Well, the economy is shit, of course. But then I find answers coming to me that I didn't expect.

It reaches much further than just the simple fact that we all have been severely fucked by the previous administration's foreign policies and bad management of the country we entrusted to them. No, it goes beyond that and comes back around to the simple fact we all hear everyday but don't realize its full meaning. We are slipping away from the Earth and all she holds for us. Through generations of development and progress we have forgotten where that all originated and why life even continues today. In our loss of connection with the Earth we have lost our connection to those responsibilities so often talked about in many of the major religious texts and spiritual teachings. That of our job of caring for the Earth and tending it as co-existing entities on it's surface.

Like a parasite we have crawled across the surface, penetrating beneath the skin, sucking the life and resources from the beautiful planet we live on. In our pollution of the atmosphere, our hording and free-reign destruction of forests, lakes, and oceans, the extinction of so many different animals, and our day to day lack of concern for the well being of those around us, just to name a few, we have failed to uphold our end of the bargain handed down through generations since our first moment of birth in this world. We forget that basic law of cause and effect and have only recently begun to take stock of what we have done. What will be the effects of this thing we have caused?

It is my opinion and belief that the Earth can take care of herself. And if she continues to feel the desecration of her being and the rampant lack of concern for her well being, she will adjust and adapt to take care of the problem. That problem is us. Nature has a way of causing disaster in order to bring new life. It's evident in our forest fires, earthquakes, and climate shifts. From death comes rebirth. From each rotting corpse comes fertile soil and the chance for a new growth. She is powerful, she is a mother, and she will kick our ass until we shape up or are gone completely replaced by a new caretaker and cohabitant.

What the fuck does this have to do with morning meditation and seeing the riches around us? Good question. Each person has the ability to make the future for themselves that they desire and if we wish to feel the simple joys of a life well lived, a life of fulfillment on a material level, maybe even on a spiritual level, then we need to reconnect with the bounty of the Earth around us put out the labor to reap the fruits. We need to realize that our day to day actions have a universal impact through our interconnection with each other and make those small changes to create a better future for ourselves and each other.

After a simple morning meditation my mood is hardly improved, but my outlook on tomorrow, heck even today, is improved and with further focus and study and meditation I can start to see how I can be in better control of my future and start doing my part to return to the Earth the love that has been so freely given from day to day.

So ends my pissed off insights.

Exactly Two Days Later...

2009-01-17T02:47:00.006-07:00

Oh, I am so good. Look at me, the pro blogger posting new entry just two days after the last one! Lol

I was contemplating today all the things I really want to do in 2009 that I failed to do last year. I was lucky enough to conquer more territory in my travels around the U.S. last year with a trip to New York state. That means that I've been all over most of the mid west, eastern, and southern parts of the States with everything beyond the Rocky Mountains to the west to see now. Unfortunately, I did not get to see California last year like I wanted to, but I did get some great photos of the north eastern part of the country and will post those at some later date when they've all been fixed and categorized. But on to the things my little black heart desires for '09.

Besides a new job, car and apartment that I mentioned in my last entry, I really would love to be able to purchase a bike this year. I see myself leaning more and more towards a greener way of life and really am jazzed about the physical benefits of riding a bike.

I've also found myself missing my old partying lifestyle. While I have no desire to go back to the drunken, sexless nights of my first year here in Colorado, I really have no desire to lose touch with the local bar scene and hoppin', club nightlife. The faint smell of smoke in a bar full of rum, vodka and tequilas has hit me a few times in the last month and I really do miss it. It's a special feeling and I will be doing my best to reconnect with my inner Brian.

I am looking forward to a more diverse job field this year too. I know this is flopping back to the "I want a new job for '09" thing I left in the last entry for a good reason, but as a Gemini the experience of a new working

atmosphere has got me all giddy like a pre-pubescent schoolboy on glue.

I am determined to accomplish some new feat in my knitting hobby pool this year and with the very exciting prospects of starting a new knitting group (OMG Kelly, another knitting group!) with some friends I'm sure I'll have plenty of opportunities to find that special thing. My goal is fewer scarves and more Anticraft! Lol

I say every year that I want to get in shape and look hot, blah blah blah, but it's one of those things you have to believe-it-when- you-see-it. I'll just leave it at that. No sense in even getting all nutso about it here and screwing it up later when I have failed utterly. Again! Actually it's just a good excuse to slip in a pic of a hot shirtless guy. Agh! My plan is foiled by my own inane babble!

I did some work with my coven last year, just basic classes, and I am getting very excited about starting back up again. It's all tied in with getting a job, of course, but I am in a very spiritual state of mind lately and want to get back into pagan action quickly. Personal studies have gotten me far in life, thus far, but a good teacher is to be prized and I feel a little balance, as I see it, is needed in my life. Nothing like resolving to take better control of you life!

I would also like to build some bridges with my family this year too. As estranged as they are, I have had them on the brain and feel that this could be a good year to do some repairs. I have no big expectations, but it would be nice to get a call from the 'rents from time to time. I may be expecting miracles but I do have a spark of hope. In the meanwhile, I have a great group of friends and adopted family that I am pretty fond of, so I'm good. Lol

This is a mass of unconnected paragraphs I have realized. Hopefully you all are coming back from time to time and managing to last all the way through these posts. If you are, you're insane. But I love you. If you don't and just skipped to the end accidentally, a pox be on you and your slimy spawn.

And like a Gemini with A.D.D., I'm heading off to other shiny baubles! In the common streak of the week I bid you all a g'day and scream a hearty "for the love of Ganesh!" 'Cause we all love the elephant-headed god.

Exactly A Month Later...

2009-01-13T23:45:00.005-07:00

...I return! Gods, I'm lame. True, I have been in a bit of a slump. But I think things are turning around.

Two thousand and nine promises to be a good year in many ways. Numerology-wise my numbers are matching up this year with the energy coming in. It promises to be a year of global importance in the area of awareness and higher thought. According to this article I found in the Global Pagans Online forum, 2009 is a Universal 11 year which we have not seen since 1910. The energy brought in by this highly important number will have people asking big questions of themselves and looking deeper into the "why's" of their spiritual sides. For a Gemini like myself this will sync up nicely with my own personal horoscope forecast for the the year. The planets are in place to bring some good shit in this year. Double whammy for me, it looks like.

With my good news out of the way, let me just say that 2008 was a crash landing into crappolla of the pretty nasty kind. We hit the bottom on many levels and I'll spend the first quarter of this year recovering. However, coupled with the good news in paragraph two, I've found positive ways of looking at it and have found many of the green grasses hidden under the cow pies. It's amazing how good it feels cutting ties to bad juju from your past. I've done some damn fine chopping. Some of it forced, but all of it fun.

Swinging along with the "2008 was blah blah, and 2009 was blah blah" of the two pseudo relationships and many (cough record setting cough) one-time encounters, I've walked into '09 with no attachments and no plans to really do anything about it anytime soon. Yes, I'm still a horny fucker. Not that you wanted to know that, but I just raped your eyes with it so deal. But I've decided to move back to that point where I pursued dating a little more logically than last year. Dating. Hardly.

Hobby-wise, I've recently all but finished my red scarf and am getting ready to work on a charity project for the troops on duty. Pictures will most likely follow if I can motivate myself to post anything. Yeah right. If you are on Ravelry, you'll see them sooner. Speaking of Ravelry, I have taken up some activity in the groups I've joined but am starting to fall off the wagon again. It comes and goes. The more projects I actually finish will spur me to post again, I am sure.

The hunt for a car and apartment should take up the better first part of this year. Both of these contingent on getting a job. We here at Shawn Inc. are hoping for some work here soon in the temp field and then something a bit more permanent after that. This year promises to be good for my online tarot business and we are keeping our fingers crossed.

Since this is turning into a rather lengthy (STFU cretins in the back!) entry, I'm going to cut it short here. Mostly because I'm a Gemini and getting bored with myself. And I want to smoke. And get some water. And play with my cards. More tomorrow where I will talk about my goals for the year, trends in sprituality I can or can't see coming, and just how full of shit I am.

Now back to your boring daily lives. And remember- breathe in, breathe out.

Doing the Math = I'm Screwed

2008-12-14T11:02:00.006-07:00

Allright. So I was sitting with some friends the other night and just doing some basic math in my head when I happened on this startling revelation of doom. It wasn't good.

The population of the United States is 305,888,000 as of 2008. Now my dating pool is within the six to ten percent statistically proven to be made up of gays and lesbians. Assuming we work with the generous amount of 10% we are now down to a pool of 30,588,800 people. Still good numbers, right? Well then you have to factor in that roughly half of that number are lesbians. I can't date lesbians. So now we are down to 15,299,400. They keep going down.

Keeping it simple, we decide to half it again to weed out those gay guys that are flamboyant or "queens." No offense meant, they just aren't my type and probably never will be. Now we have 7,647,200 masculine gay guys that would fall under my radar and would be dating material.

Now obviously, there are going to be some hazards one will have to watch out for in this shrinking pool. STD's are but one. Guys still in the closet are yet another. I could get detailed, but I don't have the time. Roughly half again if we are generous. Saying that we just lumped these all together, we would have another half taken away. Our number is now down to 3,823,600. Still looks like a big number?

Disease and identity issues aside, there is the problem of compatability. I'm obviously not going to get along with every guy in the above pool. There are 12 zodiac signs for a reason. Twelve major personality groups and not all of them work well together. We'll half it again in keeping with the trend. Total is 1,911,300. Gloomy.

Let's put it into perspective. With these numbers, our ratio ends up being that for every 120 people out there that I may meet, bump into, converse with, or pass on the street only one of them will be gay, available, and compatible. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

Doom and gloom seem to be in the forcast for today.

Mercury

2008-12-06T18:55:00.003-07:00

Your result for What Planet are You From? Test...

You are from Mercury!

20% Mercury

You, my friend, are a Mercurian!

Mercury is the planet that is closest to the sun. It is the smallest planet in our solar system and it does not have rings. Because it is so close to the sun and it’s small size it’s not easy to get a view from the planet from Earth without a telescope. What’s funny is that as close as the planet is to the sun there is still ice on the planet. The craters on the planet never see the light of the sun.

Mercury is named after the Roman god known as the “Messenger.” Evidently he was busy flitting around with wings on his heels going around and talking to everyone. It was said that he could bring abundance and success, so evidently he was a guy worth listening to.

What does this mean about you?

Well, Mercurians are a very independent type. They are set in their ways and very cool. There isn’t much that can change your mind. Some people may think you are a bit egotistical, but you were born charming and are an effective communicator. You know how to react to things calmly and express yourself well. More than likely you have a very good sense for business.

You like sex and you have a very strong stamina. Because you are so cool, though, your partner may think you don’t care about them, but you do. You just don’t like getting all gushy. You can enjoy many loves in your life. You are probably also one that isn’t suited for just staying home and taking care of the hearth. You just aren’t set up for the usual marriage thing. It doesn’t give you enough freedom.

So, be free Mercurian! Not that you’ll do what I say anyway!

Take What Planet are You From? Test at HelloQuizzy

Seven Things I Love

2008-12-01T15:01:00.005-07:00

Yay! I got tagged! My Adopted Mom, AM for short, tagged me in this entry of hers. So here it is.
Seven Things I Love

1. Family, or Framily. One cannot make it through life without someone to call family. I have been lucky enough to have been raised by a very loving family who, though they don't talk to me much at the moment, definitely love me and care about what happens to me. I also have my adopted family who have been the best thing for me in the last three years. And lastly, there is "framily" or friends who become like family to us and stick with us no matter where life takes us. I thankfully have picked up a few more additions I consider "framily" from all the different places I have been.

2. The Earth. We needed to find a grounding point from day to day when life decides to go nuts on us and the Earth is always there for us to give us that stability. The huge abundance of Mother Earth and her instinctual care for the beings that co-exist on her surface are things we all can be thankful for. A solid footing is worth so much. That thankfulness should inspire us to care for the one who gave us life.

3. Music. With so many different ways of expressing yourself through music we are able to communicate with those around us in one more creative, wonderful way that is limited only by our imagination, or lack of it. Lol. Music can be tacked onto so many of our individual experiences and offers ways of recalling specific moments in time bringing with them those emotions that fuel life.

4. Art. Another form of expression that lets us communicate how we view the world around us, what emotions and feelings arise from our daily interactions, and what hopes and fears we hide inside.

5. Sex. You knew this one was coming! Where would we be without that crazy rise in body temperature, the sweat beading on our skin, the rush of adrenaline that comes when we get ready to screw like crazy with another person! Sex is one of those pleasures that makes life spicy and fun. For some it's something they can't get enough of, and for others it is an activity they crave on a somewhat regular basis. Sex makes the world go 'round! It lets you know you're alive! Some of us "outgrow" it as we get older and some of us never really get over it. It is a freakin' awesome part of our genetic makeup.

6. Pizza and Beer. A match made in heaven. Kudos to whatever crazy Italian genius came up with the pizza pie. And we have a long history of people fermenting crap and loving the hell out of it, I think we have scored finally with the invention of beer. You can have it any way you like, but I'm partial to a nice cold one in a big frosty mug next to an extra large pepperoni, mushroom, extra cheesy pan pizza.

7. The Holidays. I'm probably just including this one because we are right in the middle of the holiday season, but I love this time of year. Excuses abound to get together with friends and family. The ridiculous, much-frowned upon consumerism kicks in and results in the maddening shopping frenzy (which I love for some reason) and dressed up shops. Usually you can find snow, falling leaves, or fireworks and "Aulde Lang Syne" happening somewhere. It's a worldwide good time.

And that wraps it up. There is hordes more that I am thankful for, but these usually top the list. Hopefully you enjoyed that little peek into my crazy messed up head. Cheers.

Things I've Done

2008-11-30T16:12:00.005-07:00

Things I've Done (In Bold) stolen from Kitting in the Shadows

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightening at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Rode an elephant

I'm a sucker for these things. So I'll do them from time to time. I have no idea who actually reads my blog so you're automatically tagged if you read this! And you have to post a comment on this entry with a link to your Things I've Done entry.

Thanksgiving in New York

2008-11-20T14:43:00.003-07:00

I'm all "a-buzz" over my trip to NY ext week. I've chattered on and on to friends, even wrote an email to my mom, and now I'm going to blog it! Wheeee!

So the "family" lives in upstate New York in the village of Clinton. It's right outside of the combined cities of Rome and Utica and I believe in the same vicinity of New Hartford, NY. Looking at the pictures in such a rush. The village has a small, homey look to it and I can only imagine what it looks like in the winter. New England winter. Hmmmm. I really should have Bev describe it all to you. She does an excellent job. If you want her opinion of it go to her blog entry.

The Great 24hr Road Trip of the Year begins Saturday morning early early. There will be many pictures and a rolling slide show of each state we pass through and any major landmarks we may pass. And you will have to endure some crazy face shots as well. They are bound to happen. The carriage is a gorgeous blue and we will be taking it in to get its motorized steed checked out tomorrow as well as get its oil looked at. Pillows will be packed and games will be stashed. Music cd's are being burned and good travel incantations are being muttered.

Once we have arrived, tired, sleep deprived, and totally bonkers, there will be some catching up and then much partying with the fam. If I get a spare minute to upload pictures and blog while I'm there, I will. Believe it. 'Til this trip commences I have another whole day of sitting around getting ready. Sigh.

Burnout- Maybe?

2008-11-19T12:05:00.007-07:00

I came across this great article while I was doing my daily checking of favorite sites and keeping up with various friends. Brought something to mind I hadn't given a lot of thought to. The article talked about burnout, granted, from a spiritual standpoint, but there were many things that translated over into a daily mundane existence. What got me was this explanation of what burnout is by the author, Cerridwen Iris Shea-

"A person who is "burned out" has used up all resources and often suffers from depression, anxiety, short temper, lethargy, mood swings, loss or increase of appetite, loss of interest in sex, and inability to interact well with others."

And oddly eough I have been complaining about a low sex drive, the fact I slept 'til 6pm the other day after going to bed at midnight the evening before, depression, depression hitting from nowhere, axiety issues, etc.. Now I'm thinking my body has been trying to tell me something for the last few months.

Question now is how do I avoid this? The author advises routine "timeouts" to recharge and repair our batteries. Perhaps I neglected that? Problem is I don't recall when it all started or if I took the necessary time to reboot. As body-conscious as I try to be, this issue has "shame on you" scrawled all over it. How did I stop picking up on the little signals my body has been feeding me?

This entry ends with a lot of questions. Hopefully I'll have answers soon.

Oh, Devil, Where Art Thou?

2008-11-18T22:08:00.007-07:00

Tonight my Tarot cards are screaming at me. I love it (semi-sarcastic there) when I lay out my cards looking for the answer to a question and the come back with a bitch slap. Makes my day. Actually, it usually freaks me out. Like tonight. A friend of mine would say that I am "hot" tonight. I guess that's the same thing.

The Devil, card XV, is aparently hanging out in my higher consciousness with a direct message to recognize my feelings of entrapment. This is different in its message from the Eight of Swords in that the "entrapment" is not something of my own creation but a product of my surroundings and current events.

While I understand my situation, I am hesitant to do anything about it out of a paranoia I have about majorly screwing up my life. I have yet to actually do that, though I'm of the opinion I've almost done it a few times. Mirroring that hesitation is the squirrelly little Page of Pentacles hanging about upside down in my physical issues area. God, so damn accurate. It's paired itself up with the the Five of Cups, a card that in most interpretations shows depression on a physical level. The effing Devil is sitting directly opposite it in my spread. Little fuckers. I hate/love it whe they are right.

So what to do? My outcome showed a progression into the stage of my life marked by stability of emotions and a maturity we all strive for. What a nice "Do it, you moron" message I am getting there. I got what I asked for. The brilliant array of new experiences that also showed in the reading are hard to ignore though I am always more prone to pass up change if at all possible. Why do that? 'Cus I'm a moron. My own belief that life is about constantly changing in order to progress towards a higher state of being seems very lacking at the moment. Call me a hypocrite. Just not to my face. My cards should take care of that for me. Bastards.

That bitter trend you see weaving its way in in reference to my little deck 'o Tarot is kind of an exageration. They have yet to really let me down, so I tend to trust them. I just hate being told things that have the potential to really screw around with my own morbid stability. Now I just have to ponder whether I will really take their advice and step off the cliff you see in the Fool's little picture and trust myself to the Fates.

I'm going to be up late tonight.

The Fool Has An Offer

2008-11-09T15:33:00.007-07:00

Cards for this entry are the Tower and the Fool. Why these two cards? They tended to show up in any reading I had done, either myself or from a fellow reader, before the events of last Thursday. Anyone versed in the tarot will be thinking by now "oh, god, here comes the drama." And they would be right. The Tower represents sudden change, usually in a big way. It can be in your favor or not so much. In my case, not so much.

I'm going to apologize in advance for the bitter overtone I'm sure will seep through into this entry.

The Tower reflected in my life translated to losing my job working for DISH Network. Not quite what I had assumed the Tower would mean. I was up to transfer to a new shift in my department and took the card to mean that I would get that change I was looking for. It turns out that DISH needed to get rid of a few, and yes, I'm exaggerating, people in order to get things back down to where they were before the company over hired. So they fired everyone who making any kind of money in order to cut down on payout and still keep their staff. Friend of mine who'd been with the company for four years was terminated with no write ups, no consultations, and barely an explanation. There are a few good opportunities here for some legal action benefiting myself and the rest of the former employees that I plan on researching fully and going through with if all looks good. In the meantime, I am sitting around praying to the gods for a massive crater to open up under that pile of crap and suck it all down to the Underworld. Sigh, one can dream. I'd take that or a meteor.

I haven't gotten to the Fool yet, so let's move on to that. This would be the plus side to this whole adventure. The Fool card represents new beginnings, stepping out into the unknown on faith, a certain naivete that comes with starting a new line of thought, etc.. As my outcome card in this reading, the Fool has decided to take me on a trip to new job experiences and a change up in my life. Take the devastation of the Tower, throw in a little energy from the Star, and start things over again. The Fool would council leaving everything behind and starting with a new frame of mind, but common sense advises me to take the offer of the Fool and temper it with past experience. So I am pursuing new jobs, holding onto friendships made in the last ten months, and trying to find the positive spin on this event.

I still want to create a black hole. You know what for. Uh huh.

With all this free time available to me now, be expecting posts on a more regular schedule.

"That's So Gay" Commercials

2008-10-14T19:21:00.004-06:00

Wow. I had no idea they even had commercials like these. I'm kind of excited that someone is actually working to raise awareness that this is an issue for some people, but I'm a little worried these might come accross as a little cheesy. I personally have never had any issues with people saying "That's so gay" since I grew up around it and felt it was more of a culture thing, but this can be very insulting to other people. Good to see that someone is thinking out there. Watch and decide for yourself.

Not Much New on This End...

2008-09-16T10:18:00.003-06:00

There is something about being utterly bored at work that makes for the perfect mood to blog. I'm actually a little pissed I'm in this mood because I'm supposed to not be. I'm supposed to have overtime right now, but do I? Nooooooooo. Because somebody's boss was a blond dipshit and didn't fix the scheduling for this week. Dumbass. Sigh.

So I have my music cranked right now. Got some Coheed and Cambria, RED, Natasha Beddingfield, Katy Perry, and Godhead. It's quite a nice mix. Just enough pissed off music mixed with a little instrumental metal/rock and then some purely gay themed ditties (I Kissed an Girl- please, so lesbian and lovin' it) that make the morning just work. It may be time for a cigarette here after this post.

My equinox party is coming up this next Sunday and I'm quite happy about it. Everybody should have the day off and it is going to be a potluck working with the whole "share the wealth/harvest" theme that is the whole reason for Mabon. I wish I were a little more prepared for this party, but just getting back on top of finances and trying to find time to party on the eight sabbats year round, and more so here recently, has been a bit of a pain, but definitely better for me. I am getting my rythm back. I can feel the year turning again and with each solar festival that comes and goes I see life running through its cycles. Pause for a happy moment with me... okay were are done here.

I don't have pictures of the most recent knitting accomplishments because I am still posting from work and don't have the ability to upload from my camera to the internet. I need a camera that uploads to the internet straight from the camera to any open wireless internet connection... Man, that would be nice and handy. I've paused on my Silk Garden scarf to start my orange and verigated black Halloween scarf. Yes, I know what some of you will say. "Where is the alpaca Halloween scarf from last year?" Well it is sitting in a box waiting for me to find my tapestry needle and weave in the millions of ends. I hate stripped scarves. So I'm workin' on that and finishing the heel on my last sock for my red Mom pair. Then it's on to fix a few other neglected UFO's and work on presents and a pair of sleeves for my friend Kristen. I'm thinking the Belladonna pattern modified. Hmmmm.

What's it been, a week? Two weeks? This is not bad. Posting a little sooner than usual. I might have to keep this up.

Smell the Spices on the Air

2008-09-07T12:11:00.007-06:00

I should have posted this a week and a half ago, but I had a morning where, while relaxing outside with a Camel and some coffee, I caught a drifting scent on the still warm, summer wind that was slightly spicy, a bit earthy, and overall very warm and delicious in it's aromatic character (Oooooo, big words! I must be in a writing mood...). I'll give you three guesses what it was and the first two don't count.

Yup. Fall. Yummy, cozy, crisp and musty. I could smell it starting to creep in all sly and smooth, trying to take out a couple of trees before we dumb humans noticed. Caught ya! Mother Nature is full of tricks. I'm getting better at spotting them, though. It was perfect then when, for our Labor Day celebrations, a blustery breeze blew in from the mountains and blasted away the bad air for the briskly cold front we played host to fot the next few days. Yes, that last sentence was supposed to be cheesey. I don't remember which morning it was, but I woke up about 9-ish and looked out my bedroom window and literally almost went nuts. Headline News: naked man goes insane in bed with eyes glued to window, causes seem to be unbelievable amounts of joy and elation. Yeah, that'd be a riot. It was the most perfectest morning yet.

I think it was a big deal mainly because I'm finally done with Summer, and my favorite time of the year is the holiday seasons and the start of the waning half of the year. My friend IndieMissCranky said it best with her blog post "Must Be the Season of the Witch...". The feeling gets very "witchy" this time of year and Halloween just helps that out. I don't know why it is that the harvest celebrations so common in wiccan and pagan circles are some of the most celebrated and are obviously the favorites, but I have to agree with the general concensus and promise to speculate on it later.

With Fall here, I've started cooking good, yummy crap and hunting for recipes for all the oodles of things I want to make this year. I've already got more than enough ideas for the Equinox party I'm throwing this month and the list is quickly getting full for the October celebrations. Once that's out of the way we'll move on to Christmas and Yule. Speaking of Yule, I've no idea when that is this year. Mental note to check on that. Back to cooking. I've realized I have a lot of things I still need for my kitchen and my skills are nothing to boast about, but I do have a good cooking gene from my mom and grandma so I'm hoping it holds true and gets me happily through the holidays. Much munching.

The other day I dug up my pipe and now badly want to find some pipe tobacco for it. Another favorite thing of mine to do around this time of the year. And the coffee just gets so much better this time of the year, too! I'm telling you, Starbucks, a cup of coffee, a slice of pumpkin bread, a pipe or cigarette at hand, and a group of crazy people around you all gathered up next to the patio heater is the perfect way to spend those late nights after work this season. Random tangent!

I've developed quite an attatchment to my Starbucks buddies. All of us met through totally random occurences of one friend meeting another friend, yadda yadda, so on and so forth. I really have no desire to go on a long tangent about it, but they really have been the kick in the pants I needed to really get out and enjoy the day to day crap I wade through all the time. On a related note, some celebrity or famous person recently coined the term "framily" and it was covered by a local newspaper. "Framily" is a combo of the words "friends" and "family" and means a group of friends who naturally function as family in a sense. I'd have to say our little group is starting to become that.

One of our most anticipated group activities right now is our pumpkin carving night. We are taking over Starbucks back patio with hot chocolate and pumpkin spice lattes and a whole mess of black bags, knives, candles, and newspapers. I'm still praying that the patio is mostly unoccupied that night before we get there. I myself plan on doing eight freakin' pumpkins for myself, and I'm sure I'll be throwing in some help lobotomizing some of the other pumpkins.

I've blown through some serious knitting here in the last couple of weeks as well. Hibernation setting in. I finished something (still no clue what it was) and then moved on to another scarf for a friend, finished all eight feet of that monster and now just have to cut and weave, and I've moved through two skeins of my natural colored silk and wool scarf. It's another Noro scarf, but I'm already in love with it. And my red socks are just a day's worth of knitting away from being finished. Next I need to finish my orange and brown Fall scarf from last year and weave in those freakin' ends. Then it's on to Christmas projects and a couple of side pieces for some other friends. So much to do!

Well, I'm pretty much out of stuff to talk about at this point. Besides the daily grind of work, the trips to the gym to look sexy, and the random outings into the world beyond Littleton, not much else is happening at the moment. Doesn't mean there won't be something amazing and fantastic happening tomorrow, but if it does, I promise I'll get around to writing about it... eventually. 'Til next time.

Feeling Grim...

2008-08-11T15:37:00.002-06:00

Just kidding!

You thought this was going to be another depressing, utterly time-wasting blog didn't you? Ha! I got ya!

Nah, I'm back up and running. Got over a very bad spot in a frienship I had going for a couple months that ended very fast 24 hours after my last post. Not in any horrific way like you might think from that last sentence, but it ended nonetheless and I'm kind of relieved it's over. Bad part of it is I have no desire to go jumping into relationships with people now out of an overly cautious part of my brain that says "you're gonna get fucked with again, you know it." But that's a whole 'nother story for another time over coffee when the sun is shining and the espresso is quality. There may also be a hot shirtless man doing my laundry in that happy scenario, too...

Speaking of men, there is nothing to speak of. Now on to the next topic. Lol

I need to do another music post! I have a new band I'm heavily in love with. They are called Coheed and Cambria and they are a heavy rock style with oodles of creativity. The lead singer has his own comic strip that actually syncs up with the music to be comic/soundtrack combo that rocks. I posted some of the lyrics from their song "Welcome Home" on my Myspace blog and let me tell you, they are fucked up lyrics! Which is why I love them I guess. I've also got this thing for the group RED as well. I may have to do a double post! Maybe today! Okay, now I'm getting too excited for my own good.

Funny that around the time the Olympics pick up again I start going to the gym again. Hmmm. There's really no planning there, just ended up hanging out with a friend who really wanted to get back into the swing of things, so now we are going to the gym six times a week (yeah right!) and working our arms, legs, backs, and butts off. It is so nice to be doing this again. I didn't remember how good it feels to have that endorphin rush every morning. Makes my incredibly monotonous job that much more fun. Who knows, maybe in four years I'll be cheering Michael Phelps on from the poolside. I love the Olympics. Right now my chest size is on one inch bigger than my waist, a very embarrassing thing for muah, and my legs are not nearly as big as I want them. I weighed in at 206.5 though and that is a drop of five pounds from the last time I checked. Why am I posting this info here? Hopefully with the rest of the reading world getting this the pressure will be on and I'll want to kick these goals down one by one. That, and I am determined to have the guys start chasing me instead of the other way around.

In knitting news, I finished another scarf or two since last posting on it, and I added one of the projects to my gallery on Ravelry. I also got funky and posted some yarn I used as a stash object. I updated my needle collection and have been trying to participate in the forums a bit more. Still need a computer to really stay up on it. I also got my Ravelry pin in the mail too, and it looks pretty spiffy on my bag. Right now I'm working on getting my current scarf and one for my buddy Rob done before Fall kicks in. Tonight our group is going over to A Knitted Peace to work on the World's Biggest Sock. I'll post pictures of that for ya when I get 'em tonight. Should be fun.

Nothing else really, in news. I had a fun time today at Abe's Cafe on Main Street where I live. During lunch, a bat flew in and terrorized the cust for about ten minutes. He was a cool little guy, actually a lot bigger than I'm used to. He spent the entire time making everyone a little nervous and even brushed my head a couple of times. Bugger.

It seems like every time I post there are five posts that I should have done previously with all the crap that I post. Oh well. While you are out there, go check out Matt Micham. He's an amazing Olympic athlete from Australia and he's fast becoming a favorite of mine.

Contemplating the Definition of Suicide

2008-07-09T07:18:00.002-06:00

It's 7:15 am as I am starting this blog. The very fact that I am up at this ungodly hour screams of issues like nothing else. Well issues exist at all times of the day. It's reality. Why, you ask, would I be contemplating issues at this hour of the day? Because a very stupid, selfish person is at this moment contemplating or has already committed suicide. At least that is what I feel in the pit of my stomach. Why would I even bother to dwell on such a morbid subject? Because that person is a very close friend of mine. As I am writing this out I have no idea where that someone is or what stupid things they have or will do. Oh, now the title of the blog makes sense, right? Yeah, in case you were wondering, the definition of suicide according to the Dictionary.com resources goes as follows-

1. the intentional taking of one's own life.
2. destruction of one's own interests or prospects: Buying that house was financial suicide.
3. a person who intentionally takes his or her own life. –verb (used without object)
4. to commit suicide. –verb (used with object)
5. to kill (oneself).

Every single one of those definitions screams of selfishness. I'm sorry, but that is the way it is. I've been up since 9:00 am on Tuesday July 8th and haven't slept at all and am very drunk although sober enough to write this blog entry and to do some serious thinking about the definition of suicide. That's right. Drunk, pissed, ready to beat the living shit out of someone, and very exhausted and worn the fuck out.

When someone contemplates suicide, it's usually because life has taken them down a path that leads to multiple dead ends where the easiest rode out seems to be to just end it all in the greatest dead end move of all time. Despite the fact that millions of people have taken one step forward from that hopeless state and made it out of that oh so dark and awful pit, still millions more lose sight of that light at the end of the tunnel and decide to meet the speeding train head on, eyes closed, teeth bared only to be completely wiped from existence in a gory, bloody, bone-crunching mess. I speak only metaphorically, though some physically choose this route and illustrate the point so horribly and beautifully at the same time.

There are always that other bunch that actually live to tell the tale and have lives changed for the better because they now have the ability to share and protect those straying down that morbid path. They are a great group, let me tell you. Maybe part of my raving comes from a membership card to the group. I am a bit biased on the part of the living. I've been there, in the tunnel, waiting for the "train of deliverance" hoping to go out in a great, red exit. But something always stops me. Every time. It's a great love that I have for the people around me and the total lack of desire I have to hurt them anymore than life has in store for them. Why is it any of my business whether or not they should handle that kind of sorrow, pain, guilt, or loss? It's not, but if I can prevent it in any way, by the gods, I will prevent it by not commiting such a selfish act. In the end I will be stronger as a soul for weathering the storm of life and coming out a super human on the other side.

Maybe it's the alchohol in my system, or the distractions at work around me (I'm at work six hours before I should be), or maybe the desire for a cigarette to ease the stress of the morning that creates a boredom with this entry. Maybe it's the numbness finally settling in. Let's hope that's what it is. I've typed and talked my way through every emotion in the last two hours. I'm exhausted and ready to just quit.

As I sit here, a friend is missing with every reason to do something incredibly stupid today and maybe already has and all I can do is sit and wait for a call, txt, or friend to tell me whether or not they're still alive.

On the bright side, I'm sure this will contribute to my bettering as a person, dealing with all of this, and on the very dramatic, dark side all I can think of is how unlucky I am and how lucky, so to speak, they are.

That's it. I'm done.

Another Myspace Re-Post

2008-07-07T18:19:00.004-06:00

This is an excerpt from my Myspace account. A blog I did quite a while ago. It's very deep, for me, and I needed to add it to my real blog. So enjoy the deepness and thanks for watching. Lol

January 24, 2008 - Thursday

Who Will It Be

Current mood: quiet

It feels like it has been forever since I last was up late thinking so intensely about my future and specifically about who I will spend it with. It is the eve of my first date with another guy and my mind is not on the day ahead. Instead I am reliving the intense moments I have felt in the past about another guy. Simple times yet so full of a silent, secret passion that had that energy been released in the open plains of the surrounding Wyoming wastelands it would have been a wind of intense heat with no thought for what lay in it's path, shaking us all to the core of our beings. Poetic, it honestly comes from the heart.

My life is not how I imagined it would be and yet it seems funny that I would even think the gods would have allowed it to be as easy as I wish. I feel this not-so-foreign call from somewhere inside of me challenging me to take on another of life's experiences. The desire for a boyfriend, someone to learn to understand and to share a part of my life with for however long, seems to run in and out of my consciousness like fish in a river. Usually in those moments where I desperately want to turn and find a strong man there to absorb the passion for life that is intensely billowing out of me all the time. Who is strong enough to take on such a demanding role?

I know who I want to turn and find there. I know what his touch would feel like as I drew him to me. I can see his face there in front of me as I rush to communicate a silent message of love from my eyes to his soul. I can taste the exotic fire carried on the wind when he is nearby. My soul can feel his distress and his conquest. He stands there, everything and one thing. Complex and defined.

To not have that part of the story written like I wish it was is like waking up from a dream where your world makes sense to a reality that hides it's bigger picture from your knowledge and greets you with a psychotically happy smile and a "fuck you" for breakfast. So far out of my control and so wildly beyond what I sometimes feel I can attain. With something so far from reach how do I understand it's reason for existence?

Instead of saying this is the answer, 1+1=2, sex without condoms makes babies (for the some people), or some other shit that makes logical sense, because I don't actually have an answer, I start seeing how much this screws my future relationships. Every poor sucker out there who falls into that empty hole in my romantic consciousness will be subjected to analysis and comparison and not one of them will ever get an "A" on that exam. You have to feel sorry for the unlucky bastards. I know I do. And yet, I will ultimately have to date them, fuck them, and then dump them until I hit that ah ha moment where I understand the Why and can begin to lead a sanity-filled existence. How else does one learn if not by doing?

In looking at the brighter side of this trip we call life, I can see that by not seeing I have the opportunity to learn and understand something that I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with. I also have the chance to meet new people and share my life with other guys and experience just how big the world of love, lust and passion really is. I have a crazy idea that in the course of dating I just might find someone who also gets my dilemma and will instead shift the course of my stupidly self predestined fate and turn out to be that lime I've always needed for my margarita. Some might call it vain hope but it can't kill to have a little invested in a not yet realized future.

In spite of the great mood I've just typed myself into, I still get the feeling I am expected to be apologetic for turning and pursuing my life instead of pining away in tragic and romantic sterotypical fashion. Perhaps the answer to that question (whoa, I have an answer at 5am!) is just that life's call is so rightfully each of ours that to deny it for a love-in-limbo, however romantic or noble we may feel it is, is to deny a reason to exist and to no longer be worthy of such a huge gift. What can I do but vow to live my life and to let my soul experience it.
I think I am about to reach new levels.

This might hurt.

More thoughts on this later...

It's Me Again, Blog. I'm Gonna Be 23

2008-06-08T16:25:00.013-06:00

And now we bring you a random mish-mash of fun stuff, current loves, and new updates on hobbies. Live from Suburbia, Middle'oNowhere, NotNYC comes the man himself! You may now stop drooling on your keyboards. I don't even have a freakin' picture of myself on this page... yet. Pride is coming up here pretty soon, so there may be some fun pics coming, but more on that further down.

First, we'll start with the current crush. I have been crushin' hard on Keith Harkin and finally watched his Celtic Thunder show on PBS. It was beautiful. I loved his suits, or maybe it was how he fit into them. The kid is in great shape. He's only 20 years old! Apparently he's been singing since he was four, loves to surf, is from Ireland, and writes his own music. How can you not love his sexiness?! Here is a clip from his "About Me" section on his music page on Myspace-

"Years of playing live had already honed him into a solid live act at the tender age of 18. His own sound is both individual and unique - taking influences from artists as diverse as Led Zeppelin, John Martyn, Glenn Campbell and Jack Johnson and Paul Brady. He recently supported both John Martyn and David Kitt on their Irish tours - wowing these two demanding and very different crowds with his fresh sound. In his short time as a full-time musician Keith has packed in a lot. During his time in London 2005 - recording with a well respected producer - he also played in various venues and festivals in England - including a memorable show at the Tavistock Festival on Portobello Road. 2006 brought keith to "Dha theanga" an irish program on bbc where he played the lead role, rewrote and arranged all the music for the show. And now to date he is currently doing the monster hit show Celtic Thunder with a coast to coast tour of the states this oct till christmas. With his energetic stage presence and charismatic performances Keith's live shows are what live music is all about. Keith has been compared to everyone from Jamiroquai to Paul Brady and Maroon 5. BBC radio Ulster called him the 'Irish Jack Johnson'."

I'm lazy, so you all can go google him so I don't have to add the links.

Also on the agenda for today is my current acomplishment in knitting. I did my first ever sock and it is great! I need to finish the second and I'll have a pair. Fancy that, huh? It's a pattern that my "mom" gave me done with some really cool yarn I also acquired from her. I have enough I might have to make some gloves to go along with it. It's a pretty simple pattern, excellent for beginners, I should know. I used a size 4 needle and they are just a bit too big. So with the next pair I make (there will be another pair) I'll stick to the 3's and we should be good. I'm going to post the project to Ravelry when I get it all finished. We are very close now. Only a few inches to go.

In other knitting newsflashes, I just saw Maggie Sefton at Barnes last week. She came in for a signing and before that we got to take her out to dinner. She had a blast, like she always does when she comes down. I'm thinking we need to take her up on her offer to visit Lambspun up in Ft. Collins. That, and it's been a long while since I was in Ft. Collins so a break there would be kinda fun.

And since the publisc outcry is so huge, I decided to post a picture of myself. So here. A picture. I take pictures so rarely of myself that maybe it was about time. I got this one when I had my last haircut. Guy that did it was really good. I may have to go back. For Pride 08 I plan to sport the fauxhawk again, kinda like last year. Remember? Right after the ear piercing? I want to get another piercing in my other ear now, but I think I'll wait 'til the photo ops die down after the end of June.

Speaking of the end of June, the 21st and 22nd are the big Denver Pride Fest days this year in Denver. The event is sponsored by the The Center I'm looking forward to going for the first time. Denver has yet to be graced by the Shawn Float in the Gay Pride Parade. Yeah, I could pull off an entire float all by myself. That's right, uh huh. Aside from doing the obvious things, I think a good majority of the time is going to be spent drinking and partying in the bars and clubs as every bar and club turns gay for about three days, and possibly going to Elitches. According to a friend, it's the happening place to be during Pride. I don't really know how I'm going to do all the drinking that weekend on top of getting plastered the weekend before that on the 15th. Well... nah, I'll be just fine.

Ah yes, the 15th. Also known as Shawn Day in 36 major countries. This will be the 23rd annual celebration of Shawn Day and there is going to be a big party here in Denver down on 16th Street Mall with festivities starting at about 7-8pm. Dinner will be at the Rock Bottom Brewery on Curtis and 16th. There is parking for you fools who want to drive downtown below the restaraunt and you will get a free parking token for eating at the Brewery. After a lengthy disturbance of the Brewery's atmosphere, we will be walking uptown, or driving for you crazy morons, to JR's Bar (17th and Clarkson) for excessive imbibing of alchoholic tasties. You all are expected to at least enjoy yourselves whether or not you drink. That's an order from the Shawn, and hey, you have to obey 'cus it's Shawn Day. If you do plan on coming, you should let me know. I kinda need an idea of how many I'll have attending my big celebration so I can pour over the guest list and decide which one of you I'm going to disinvite... psyche!!! We may need to reserve tables if we get big enough.

In art news, my college project done for a design class has hit the 150 mark for favorites. In DeviantArt terms that means 150 people have noticed and are posting it on their pages as a favorite peice. And why would I care? More face for my work. Just that many more people who notice and just a bit more fame to tack on. And hell, I'm so good at marketing my own work that I'm going to post it right here on my blog. Novice!

Wicked- A New Musical by ~MouseBrat2006 on deviant ART

This has been an imagetastic post by Shawn aka Strange.

Springtime

2008-05-05T12:34:00.003-06:00

I love spring. All the flowering trees have made this one really good. I took this picture today. Damn snow killed off a lot of the blossoms on the other trees. Lazy day.

I really need to do some updating and blog management. I think my webrings have kicked me out for not posting enough. Lol And I've got new websites and such to put in the sidebar. And the whole look needs a serious overhaul.

Going to knitting tonight. Met with the managers at Barnes and they let us know we are way too big for the store. Twenty people might not seem like much, but their limit is ten. So we've double banged them there. We have to figure out something new or we might just anger the great and powerful Barnes and Noble gods. So now we've got to figure out where to go or what to do about the size. Sigh. Sometimes managing a group can be stressful.

I'm all booked for my trip to Cheyenne for "Adopted" Brother's graduation. I'm taking a whole two days off and getting a four day weekend out of it. Very nice. So I'll be gone on the 16th. Not that it will make much of a difference to you guys since I never blog anyways, but. You get me.

LivePerson

2008-04-15T12:26:00.007-06:00

Looking over my email for the first time in two weeks I noticed one I received from the company that I do tarot reading for. Kasamba.com is a site that a friend introduced me to last year and one I didn't really get to heavily invest any of my time on, but did get a feel for and made a few friends and clients. For those of you with absolutely no clue what Kasamba (wtf, mate???) is, I'll share some of the knowledge with you.

Kasamba is, or was, a business devoted to live help through chat interfacing (if that's the right word) for a variety of subjects. Things like video game help, counseling, suicide prevention, home and garden tips, health, computer technical issues, etc.. In the Sprituality section you will find Tarot Readings, and if you explore that portion of the site you might just come across my page. Those of you who know me, you'll see my stunning face shining out at you through the pixels. For you who actually read this blog with no apparent reason for doing so, let me first say wow, what troopers you are, and second, why the hell do you keep coming back? Let me know, I'd love to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. Back on track.

I say Kasamba was only because the letter I got this morning mentioned that they are now owned by LivePerson, and in checking out the new homepage I saw the new layout, which I love, and the newly designed setup for the menus. My page doesn't look any different, but hey, can't complain. I don't know the specifics as to why they are now under new ownership and I very much doubt that I'll actually put out any effort to figure it out either.

In an effort to not sound like someone who is shamelessly self promoting and thus sacrificing all interesting content for mulah (that's money, dipshit), I'm going to stop now with a nice little invitation to go check out LivePerson for yourself. I refuse to put a link to my page. If you really want to find me, tell me or go on a webhunt yourself and work at it a bit, sucka! I am so acting like a bad business man.

Back Again, Hopefully

2008-04-08T01:26:00.002-06:00

Goddamn! It's been over a month since I posted on this bugger.

Thankfully, I have snapping new prospects on a temporary computer. It's going to be a much needed addition since I've no intention of fixing my old computer. No way. It would be a better use of money to just buy a new Mac Book Air and transfer my old stuff to the new hardware. So a friend of mine mentioned that she had a Vaio she needed to get rid of and was going to be selling to her neice were her neice not already the proud owner of a new computer. So she offered it to me. I'm hoping to get it up and running by next week (if I have the cash) and hopefully be blogging on a regular basis. It would be a nice change. I have a big need to get my own computer and start back on the routine of updating what few readers I have on my daily grind. Not that it's all that interesting, but it's fun for me.

So in the interest of posting something semi interesting, my job's going great, money is flowing, paying off my backrent from the time I didn't have a job, and still managing to have a life. It's fantastic. I've made so many good friends here recently that I'm having all kinds of trouble keeping up with all of them and all my old buddies from everywhere in the world. I finally made contact (think alien and you'll get my weird mood) with beings from my college days and keep hoping I'll get more in touch with them and their crazy lives as things get going.

My trip is still on for California in June, though the week has changed. I think I'll be going a week later and skipping the whole LA Pride thing in the interest of saving a bit more money for...shopping! I'm working on my tan, new profile pics to come, and starting to workout somewhat so I can get my body into beach readiness. There's always the possibility of starting a little summer romance, and why not while I'm out in Cali where the surfer's are plentious. Ashley and I are going to turn LA over with our fun and games.

In the world of knitting, which is why this blog was revived, I've started some new projects and picked up some old ones. My gloves I am redoing. the first was just not quite the way I wanted it, so I'm gonna try again. I've started an antler scarf which I will post pictures of when I get around to it. It's my first go at cables and they really are as easy as everyone told me they would be! I've also started with a group project and worked on some of that last night with my knitting group. We've got some new plans as far in advance as Christmas and are really ready to start whacking away at getting them going. There's a smattering of charity work, some just for fun stuff, and a few group learning projects that a few of the newer knitters are really excited about.

Looking back over this post it is obvious I'm a bit tired. My humor spiked earlier today and now it's on the dl (that's down low for you that don't come from my planet). Well, there was a weak attempt. I'm just gonna close out now. *singing Closing time, time for all the.....* Sigh.

Morning Awareness

2008-02-25T15:00:00.002-07:00

Or rather, the lack there of.

I woke up this morning (2am to be precise) with this strange feeling deep inside. It wasn't a feeling of love or passion, I really have not cause for that at the moment, it wasn't fear of someone coming to get me in the night, I don't scare that easily, and it wasn't a vision of a god or some angel come to relay some insight from the universe either. No, it was a burning, dread-inducing, shockwave of last night's dinner ready to escape from my stomach. Apparently it wasn't happy with it's new home. Not my fault, I didn't do the decorating.

The involuntary eviction was part of some late night snack I had last night that must not have mixed well with anything else. I seriously had the image of me pregnant with morning sickness all day earlier. Quite a riot I must say. Nevertheless, I spent the morning not at work, but in bed praying that that angel or god would now show themselves and bestow a healing hand or swift and deadly blow. Either would have been welcomed.

I'm feeling better (yeah right) now, but there is still that lingering feeling and I've had nothing solid to eat yet today. No, instead I've been dreaming of all the stuff I haven't blogged about in a while.

One, I still have no working camera. So, sorry people, no pictures. Sad sad sad.

I've started a couple new projects, and done a recount of my yarn stash. I can't believe how much random fiber I have sitting in a box at my apartment. Unreal! I've started many projects and just not follwed them through yet. Go freakin' figure. I'm working on a cable scarf (yes, cables!) called the Antler Scarf from Debbie Stoller's Son of Stitch n' Bitch as well as a crocheted cap from the same book. I see myself doing many more projects in the future. Duh.

Aside from project updates, our little group at Barnes (again, what a joke) is doing just great. We now have an average of 18 people who actually show up for this shindig on a weekly basis. We are thus no longer little. No, we are big, dangerous, and loaded! Don't get in our way, please, for your own sake. Lol If you are feelin' in a read-ish mood, go look at our fabulous page. It's had a few updates, though not many.

In my own private life, I've started a new job and finally gotten back on the horse. This customer service thing is perfect for me as I work my ass off all day and then have no desire to go out and do anything except sleep afterward. Perfect. I make money and then can't spend it. My parents would be so proud. Naw, I have a few bills that are eating up my checks for a couple of months, but once those are gone I should be livin' pretty large. All the better to be on the horse. One looks so handsome while astride a big white horse packing some serious coinage that all can't help but marvel and desire him. That's what they told me in the self help book anyway. I thought the fact that it was independently published was odd...

Yes, I'm in a goofy mood. Probably because I'm finally feeling a bit better and it's such a gloriously moody day I can't help but feel darkly happy about everything. One of those days where my twisted mind would laugh were I to get into a car wreck or some other disaster. According to my astrological forecast, I'm supposed to be very predisposed to bitchyness and drama this weekend. I think my Taurus moon will ground most of that, but still, time to be aware. Which is exactly what I wasn't this morning. I did have the strange feeling that today was the day for something significant to happen though. Still nothing. Like I'm missing something...

We'll see what happens.

Review and Remember- The Long Read

2008-01-04T15:52:00.000-07:00

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall."

-Vince Lombardi

It's amazing what meeting old friends, catching up with current ones, and making new additions will do to jog memories. This has been on my mind for the last week and I felt I had to do a 2007 In Review blog to sum it up in words. When it's running around in your head like a chicken with it's head cut off, screaming at you to let it out, you have to wonder... can headless chicken thoughts scream with no... head?

Two thousand and six was a year that could have started off better. While I won't go into messy personal details with you brilliant readers here, I will say that in the upheaval of losing your footing in your home and family environment and having to break away from things you once looked to for comfort and a sense of stability will shake up your year like very little else. What does 2006 have to do with 2007 you ask? It's important to know the downfall before you can appreciate the importance of the rise.

With a posse of good friends around me I made it through the rough times in 2006. I owe a lot to them all. When life took a dramatic turn with moving out, I had friends to stay with and friends to support me. When I came out that summer, I lost the closeness of a best friend but also gained a deeper level of friendship with another. With job after job I built an ever-expanding group of friends around me and found the kind of love I was missing in previous relationships. When I was alone for the holidays because of a bizarre turn of events, I had a best friend there to drag me over and keep me company through a rough holiday. With the start of 2007, I had to surrender that friend to California, and with the start of 2008, I will surrender another one to that state. Friends have been the base I have built from in 2007.

At the start of 2007 I made the decision to get on with my life and to make a big change- I moved to Denver, CO. With no steady job for the first four months I made it by, again with the help of friends. With the start of the year mostly past I finally came out to the rest of my family and worked at getting it firmly behind me. I moved on. While parts of those first six months were lonely and depressing, the summer brought the change I needed. With a job securely under my arm and a coffee-driven social life I got my first real apartment and celebrated my 22nd birthday. Colorado just kept on getting better.

With the looming date of the release of the Deathly Hallows on us in July I started my newest and most engrossing hobby. A few tips and multiple redoes I started knitting a Harry Potter-themed scarf for the big night. I never did wear it that night, but I did continue knitting. Since then I've started I don't know how many projects and increased my stash. I've learned new techniques and bought an ungodly amount of books. I've also started a group at the former job spot, Barnes and Noble, devoted to knitting that just keeps growing and getting more fun. I think it's safe to say that this will be one part of 2007 I will carry with me for a while into the future.

Now I have to say that other than the knitting group and my semi-social life during the Fall months and going into Winter I didn't do much. It was the rest I needed for sure. I did find time to take up poker, take a deeper interest in my spiritual side, start consulting online with my own tarot business, visit a couple new clubs, read a couple books, and start up my old romance with blogging again. Nothing world-changing, but there is hope for this new year.

My 2008 ended with a Christmas with friends and a slamming party on New Year's Eve. Quite a way to go! Now it's time to turn my attentions to all the big plans for the next 365 days.

Some of my big ambitions for the current year are to develop a sense of the issues I will be voting on with the presidential election and also to get a hold on my local government to keep on top of things that are important to me.

Also to get involved with work in Africa, a subject that was jogged into curiosity by a random acquaintance at my favorite bar, JR's. There are a lot of areas that need attention and as an American, I am excited at the opportunity to share what I can with another person or group of people who may not have everything that I do. It's something I will devote more time to this year.

Weight loss is one that always ends up on my beginning of the year list every year it seems for the last three. I have somewhat of an idea of how much I need to lose but I will make like my mother and never actually step on a scale. No, instead, I will be checking myself out in the mirror every morning and comparing it to my "before" picture until I look like I want to. That's when the "after" picture will be taken and progress will continue from there. What's my goal? One hundred and eighty pounds, all muscle, and the confidence to hang out at the pool shirtless and not be self-conscious. What a good friend of mine always called the LGN diet- Look Good Naked diet. This will be accomplished by a mix of healthy eating, dancing, weightlifting, and good 'ol positive thinking. We may throw some Bikram yoga in there too.

Travel will make a come back this year with a trip in the summer to California for Gay Pride in one of three cities- San Francisco, LA, or San Diego. The end destination will be decided the closer we get to making the trip. The year will also top off with a much needed trip to NYC with my best friend after she returns from studying abroad in Europe. The details on that trip are a bit more vague. All we know now is it's on!

With a new computer in hand I plan to snag myself a free lance career in the Graphic Design business. I've taken a huge break for the last year and a half since losing my baby to an overused graphics card. With the mind (hard drive) of my former love installed into the body of a stunning new beauty, I will be a happy man ready to take on the world. Yes, I have a love affair with technology. Bite me!

So you can see it's a big year ahead with an okay year behind and hell of a lot of potential on the plate. The mindset now is to seize the moment and so the day. It's all in your positive spin on thoughts through the day. The time to live is now. Don't hold back while you wait for your dreams to happen, reserving energy given to you now for this minute for some day in the future. Let it out and let it go. Celebrate life like only you know how. Embrace love, and love will explode out of you into the lives of those around you. Make each friendship a jewel you polish daily until those you love shine as bright as the stars in your eyes. Embrace who you are and you will embrace diversity in others. Stoke the fire of passion in your soul and you will birth a beautiful frenzy of creativity.

Slap me 'cus I've gone wild!!! Lol.

With that, I move on to the New Year. Good luck to all of you.

Getting Political off the Brain

2007-12-21T15:03:00.001-07:00

I don't get into politics in general as they usually just make me so agitated, but this piece was dropped in my lap and hit so close with me I had to put it out there. I promise you won't hear anymore until ranting fever hits again. For my sake you won't here anymore for a while. lol

The Nobodies!

2007-12-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

So I've decided to profile that devious little group self-dubbed "The Nobodies" so you all can get a feel for how dangerous these lovely ladies are! I'm assuming I have included everyone below, but I might have missed someone. The Nobodies are the regulars that are consistenly at Barnes knitting up a storm. Who knows, maybe they will form their own faction and rise up to take over the knitting world! Horrors be upon us!!!

Bernadette - Speaks her mind without regret! Killer knitting needles!

Val - Cracks nuts faster than you can blink. All men beware!

Jan - Quick wit and a gentle persona. We have yet to uncover this beauty's dastardly plan...

Kim - A mother and master of all she sets her mind to! Nothing gets by this one!

Keep your eyes peeled and running shoes ready. They meet for secret conclaves weekly and have infiltrated the local Barnes and Noble. They are not to be trusted!

This will most likely be the last transmission of confidential information I ever pass on so...

Farewell!

2007-12-17T16:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about having a camera and blogging, but I don't seem to be as motivated to do the latter unless I have pictures to show you all. I started a scarf for Val, red with black eye lash, for Christmas because she didn't think she could finish it in time. It's coming along beautifully. It's a simple seed stitch done on 17's with a double strand feed. That'd be the red and black yarn, that double feed there. lol

Other than that, I am still working on my argyle scarf in black and green that I, again, still do not have pictures of. It's slow in coming but looks so amazing. Not as forgiving for mistakes though. I had to rip out two rows to redo the third row because I messed the purling and stitching sequence up. Looked like crap!

In other news, we have had quite a bit of snow in the last week and the landscape is amazing. We may have snow for Christmas! Forget the fact that I won't be sticking with my original plans (job hunting, grrrr) and will be pushing back my trip up to Cheyenne, and this year might actually be better than last year. I keep searching for the mystical Christmas cheer that seems to be a bit more elusive this year. Ah, tumultuous life. Now before I get dramatic...

The knitting group is continuing splendidly! We have new peeps and have now hit a high of 9 regulars. Well, that's if you count that bitchy little group The Nobodies who won't let it drop that I mentioned that "nobody had come to knitting group" while putting it in the contexed that we were the somebodies and I was speaking from a group perspective. Sigh, women. I'm probably shooting myself in the foot with that since all my known readers are women, but that's the beautiful thing about daringly going where women assume no man would ever go. Haaaaa! I have balls! Lol

We had a party at Val's house last week that, oddly enough, turned into a knitting group party since our other friends never showed. It was a simple party, just a bunch of nuts hanging around in the same bowl for the evening. We potlucked and then sat around chatting on into the evening. Like most hardcore knitters, we pulled out the knitting that everyone inevitably has on hand and continued our coffee and cookies in the living room. Below is a montage of our candidly snapped pictures. Lookin' forward to the next ho-down!

I'll just quit now while I'm ahead.

Bustin' in a Movie Groove!

2007-12-01T01:28:00.000-07:00

The Golden Compass is out in a week! Here is one fan that cannot wait! I was in such a nerdy mood I went and found out who was chosen as my daemon in the parallel universe of the Golden Compass. Her name is Athenestia. You can see her personal webspace here.

I include her portrait link here so you all can take a quick click and help decide which form she will take on permanently. Right now, she is a biased form of how I view myself and cannot take mature form until she understands how the rest of the world views me. So play along with my little fantasy and give a quick looksee at the survey and we'll see what she turns into.

Athenestia's Page

Little Bastard Kitty!

2007-11-21T16:35:00.001-07:00

Bad Pussy

Winter Kiss

2007-11-21T03:57:00.000-07:00

It's very quiet outside right now.

The snow fell tonight all quiet and soft, covering the last few leaves that have fallen in the last week. I stepped outside to enjoy the peacefulness and feel the calm night air. Bit crisp, but that is what you would call the kiss of the Snow Queen. Icy and bright, it stirs up the sensation of being really alive, aware of your surroundings and open to the calming message of the nighttime.

I'll sleep well tonight. Tomorrow the mantle of pure whiteness will probably melt away back into the green carpet of grass that is still hanging on in spite of it being the middle of November. There is something so very magical about waking up to a white world with a cup of hot chocolate in hand and some quiet classical music playing beside the fireplace.

Enjoy it while you can. That fragile, crystaline creation is fleeting as a dream.

The Quickie

2007-11-19T16:35:00.000-07:00

Boy how I wish that title was what it implies at first glance. Sigh. Strange here, checking in from the ranks of the unlucky to leave all a snippet of my life in the last two weeks. After reviewing the material for this one, I don't think it will be as short as it was going to be originally.

Since posting last, we've celebrated both the commercial holiday of Halloween and the ancient and resurrected festival of Samhein. Halloween went off without a hitch and gave me reason to succumb to my love of pumpkin carving. The mass lobotomy of the collected Jacks resulted in four fun and funky pumpkins that drug out the comments in spades from each of our trick-or-treaters. Ahhh, a little bragging-ego-booster there for me. I am quite proud of my handiwork. Samhein was quiet and private and consisted mostly of a time of releasing to the universe all the old baggage from the year before. Good for the soul, good for the body. It is amazing how much you can keep inside and not realize without some self examination. A good detox is always good for the body and soul.

With the end of October a new wave of knitting books surfaced at the local Barnes Ignoble and my find was scouted and acquired with much rejoicing. I reviewed this book in an earlier post without realizing that it wasn't out yet. Duh. I finally have the Son of Stitch n Bitch and I've already started my first project. It's a double knit scarf with a diamond pattern in black and lime green. I don't have pictures yet because of the lousy camera that I have, but when I do there will be an update. It's challenging, but loads of fun. Very left brained.

Couple of weeks ago we had Maggie Sefton down from Ft. Collins for a quiet... uhhh, not that quiet... night of knitting and chatting about life and books. She spilled the good news on new books, publishers, and her own LYS. We've decided, after a generous invitation, to take a field trip up to see our favorite author in her natural setting. The date for that is not set yet, but it will be sometime after the first of next year. I'll be raving about that again in the future, just you wait!

Knitting Knuts! With the ever expanding size of our knitting group, we've decided it would be a grand plan to start our own knitting blog with multiple authors in order to showcase events, current reads, and other big news bytes everyone should know about. There will also be plenty of room for random knitting rants and humor to spice it up. You can see the starter page for our new blog here. Knitting Knuts is the current working title. There will also eventually be an email list to join.

And that wraps most of this entry up. I'm working on incorporating an mp3 widget into the sidebar for some entertaining music for you all to listen to while perusing the archives. I'm all about the entertainment of my readers. Hopefully that is why you all keep coming back to read. Lol. Don't make me have to result to "naughty" tactics. I may just be desperate enough.

'Til next time then.

Halloween Come and Gone

2007-11-02T05:00:00.000-06:00

So i really did start a post for Halloween, but this dude ended up bein' way too busy to actually put anything good out. So I sit here at 5am re-writing my original draft. It's odd how many different sounds you hear late at night. And it's odd the places your mind goes when it's just you and the quiet. So peaceful. I'm gonna go back to writing. Needed a bit of a break. AM hours and I'm still not tired. Tired enough to go to sleep anyways.

Tomorrow, or later today, I plan on having some pictures up of Halloween and the finished scarf. Til then.