Wicked Again

This is a blog I posted on Myspace close to a year ago. The song has been on my mind and it was awesome to read just how I felt about it at that time. It was an amazing feeling. So I repost it here for you to mull over.

17 Jul 2006

Defying Gravity

Current mood: Empowered

True to my horoscope today, I am taking my thoughts to the paper (so to speak) in an effort to express myself. On today's top list for self expression are my thoughts on my favorite Broadway musical Wicked and specifically the song Defying Gravity.

Wicked the musical is based on the book by the same name written by Gregory Maguire. It is a story of the witches of Oz in the time before Dorothy's crash landing on the Wicked Witch of the East's head and the start of the popular book we all know. It is a story of how two girls from different ends of the spectrum become the best of friends and live their lives amidst the political and religious unrest that permeates the culture in Oz after the Wizard comes to power. Its really a touching story about how one person, Elphaba, goes against the accepted norm to defend what she believes is right and the difficult and hard life she endures as a result. Despite all obstacles, she rises above the mundane and changes the lives of those around her by her influence and, despite her death in the end, her ideas are carried on beyond her watery end. Glinda's perspective in the story is also a very powerful one as she battles between being popular and doing what she feels may be right as she watches Elphie take on the Wizard and his corrupt ideas in a pursuit of revenge for the oppressed people under his rule. It is a story of a hero, political fiends and religious zealots, a battle between corruption and freedom, love and hate, everything that makes a good classic. Its an account of what is evil and what is good and how what we think about someone or something does change our beliefs.

The song Defying Gravity is my anthem because of the ideas presented in it. It comes into the scene where Elphie is being hunted by the Wizard and his guards and, in attempting to escape, enchants her broom and offers to take Glinda with her where, together, they can fight side by side. Glinda has to make a choice between what she believes is right and her best friends offer and what her heart tells here to do. Glinda tries to talk Elphie into not leaving by reminding her of the place and power that the Wizard is offering. Elphie refuses saying that she can't want it and something inside her is different. She is through with playing by someone else's game and now it is time to defy what are the accepted limits, limits there only because someone says they're so. She says goodbye, telling her one last time that they could bring all they'd ever dreamed of to reality if she comes with her. Glinda stays, the guards attack, and Elphie flies into the sky, escaping. She sends a message to all those people who try to ground her saying that nobody in all of Oz, no Wizard that is or was, will ever bring her down. The message in the song is one of leaping off the cliff of the Accepted into the void of the Unknown, believing that you will soar above the Limitations imposed by people to the Freedom of the sky beyond. In order to rise above all, Elphie must defy gravity, finally escaping the power of the Wizard, the oppressor and enemy of a free Oz. Unlimited. Free. She shuts her eyes, leaps, and flies. No more letting other people think for you, believe you can fly, and do it! This song is a challenge to defy the norm, do what cant be done, leave caution behind and pursue those things you dont understand. To throw yourself on faith alone into freedom from the limited mindset of the gounded, small minded people who control our lives.

I'm truly inspired by that. It represents my thinking and take on everything that has happened to me in the past and how I view life now, how Im pursuing it, and how I perceive what it throws at me. I am leaping into tomorrow, chasing ideas that are impossible, riding on faith alone. Im defying the norm, refusing to believe that we are limited to what we know and can't attain something higher, better, powerful, fulfilling and full of purpose. I refuse to take what someone says as truth and leave it unchallenged. There is so much more out there, and Im not sitting around anymore. Im going. Im gone. "Something has changed within me. Something is not the same. I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep. Its time to trust my instincts, close my eyes, and leap!"

Its down the rabbit hole for me.

Denver...Now what

I moved. Yup. Went through with it and all. And I feel my blog is a bit boring. Gotta figure out how to add some serious spice to it. I dunno. Maybe some pictures of hot local guys? Yeah just for the hell of it. And a tip from a blogging expert- add links. To everything. So, with all the added bonuses Denver offers, maybe I should add a bit of that to the list. And I've no idea where to go looking for blogs with similar interests, but we'll make that a goal here soon. This was a totally random entry by a very bored person. We'll make it all make sense soon.

On The Mind at Midnight

Two things- Cleaning my shit up and fixing my style problem. Two topics intensely on my mind. But let's tackle the latter first.

It occured to me this week that maybe my place in gay culture was not so fixed socially as I had once thought. By that statement I mean that I have re-evaluated my persona and found that I am lacking in the style department where once I was up on all the newest styles and trends, much of that to my parent's rage. The never ceasing drive to stay up on the young adult looks was, in my parent's book, "worldly" and "sinful" because of its fixation on things "not of heaven." Bull shit. Or maybe that's what people should have told me when my style consciousness went to hell.

I honestly have no drive to wear outfits that make sense even on a practical level. I wear orange, very out of style for winter, and kahkis to work without batting an eye. I get up and put on whatever I can find. And here I used to be all against the "western fashion disaster" and its hold on wyoming. I'm a fuckin' contributor!

Where did this start? I have no idea. Maybe when I moved out of my parent's house. My life became a drawn out mess and center for disorder that maybe I lost it in all the chaos. I remember the laziness hitting while I lived in the attic of my friend's house and the beginning of my relaxed attitude. But I still had "it" even there. I remember occasions where I showed up in true college/preppy style and wowed the small masses. Maybe it started when I got wrapped up in the drama that was my job at Synergy Cafe. It seemed that as long as I showed up I was okay since the quality of dress there was quite a bit more relaxed than at Starbucks, which was my previous job. Somewhere in the last year I hit a low spot and I have not recovered myself in that area.

Some of this was startled awake by a crazily put comment by a style-less but funny transexual gay man at my church. Her excellent comments on my friends' outfits (I don't know that I agree with him even there, sorry babe) were delivered with smooth aplomb amidst our rush to collect our morning coffee in the social area. She stopped when her eyes hit me and as she leaned back to take in the full view of my disaster, she asked smartly what I was thinking. I was a bit taken back, having always been complemented, but also because the dame's own appearance was tragic from an alltogether practical point of view. Black jeans, shoes and a similar t-shirt with white lettering spelling out some sarcasm made up his look. It was definitely not the show-stopping garb of a mall display. It made sense only from a comfortable position. Mine at least matched in the color department. Never the less, the splash of cold water made me think about rectifying the damage before it became semi-permanent.

So tonight, as I sit here awake and thinking over the next half of this entry, pages of style tips and gay advice sit waiting for my attention, available to help with my problem. This will be something I will have to fix soon. But not soon enough. I am not in a position to buy anything to push me towards my goal of a style-soaked wardrobe. Money matters complicate things and may do their job of keeping me from some of the more upscale social circles of the younger gay population of Denver. I'm on the road to recovery, and that is the part that is important.

We come to the matter of my shit. My personal stuff. I have had it all in random boxes for at least the last two moves. The last time it was all repacked was when my "friends" packed it up to move it out of my appartment to accomadate my "friends" parents, an arrangement that I didn't know the whole story on until it was all on me. Past history. I'm too impatient and tired to care if you know about that yet or not. But it was a haphazard job, full of snooping and criticizing me for my spiritual beliefs and my opinions which were read out of my diary. God, that still pisses me off to think about. I'm done. I'm supposed to be in bed. I don't need to rouse my karma. Karma aside, my shit is getting repacked and I'm throwing out stuff I can't believe I didn't get rid of sooner. Softwar for Windows? What the fuck?

And... We're Out

I have finally set dates. What dates, you ask? The dates for my vacation and my departure of my hometown of Cheyenne. I struggled for a while with putting anything hardcore to commitment because I had so many uncertainties floating up around my head, and while a few still remain, I have a goal that I am going to accomplish by February 3rd and I'm gonna do everything necessary to move toward that deadline. I admit that the world could change and everything could flip a bitch on me, but unless the apocalypse happens, I'm gone. Outta here, baby.

I've been wanting to do this for a year and haven't gotten serious about it until here recently (like the last two or three months) and now that it's finally happening, there is very little hesitation. I am ready for this mentally and emotionally, hell, even physically. I've felt like life just wasn't taking me any closer to a life I wanted or dreamed of. I started on that dream, and it crashed. A lot of things have crashed in the last three years. Friendships, relationships, jobs, dreams, old habits, negative patterns, etc. I've changed so much in the last two years I think it probably took all the change and frustration to mold me into the person I needed to be for me in order to have the balls to do something big like this. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've got balls and they ain't goin' nowhere soon!

My biggest challenges to tackle immediately are my housing situation, hopefully soon to be remedied, I have a few leads, and my mental clarity going into this. I must admit, right here, that I'm not fully addressing the situation head on. It's like it is the sun and I'm floating towards it glancing down and away trying to discover everything about it by studying it out of nothing more than the corner of my eye. It's crazy, I guess I never really look anything squarely until it's right there in front of me. Probably not the best way to handle life. But I've learned a lot so far. That counts, right?

So if you see me between now and then, know it's probably the last time you'll see me for a while and wish me luck. I'm young and stupid and going for the throat, so the world had best be ready! I may not change a thing, but I'll be forever changed. Alchemy at its best! Enough with the metaphors, god damn it!

New Year (07) Part 2

These last five resolutions are a bit more speculative. You will see why I say that when I explain my thoughts on each one. I see myself relating to the first five more closely because of their semi-integration into my life already. We'll see in the coming year whether these last few make my itinerary.

Come Out to Yourself. I realize that a year ago this would have been an excellent resolution for me as the doubt clouding my mind then could have easily been cleared up by just recognizing my "problem" and dealing with it. Inner demons is another term that could be used to loosely describe my fight with gayness over the past nine years. But thanks to an insightful and caring friend who had the gaydar to beat all, I am now a fully out gay man. And it feels good, damn good.

After that came Shed Bad Influences. Now, because it was an article aimed at the resolute gay man, it focused on safer sex practices and drug use. These are common problems in the gay community, especially with the rise of new advances in HIV medication that increase the length of an infected person's life. But something else we could throw into the mix would be friends who's downward spiral in life has begun to affect you. I've seen friends I come in contact with at points in my life hit walls in their life, usually self-inflicted, and stop, not seeking out their dreams, not working to rise to the next level physically, socially, spiritually, or mentally. It's something I have recognized and work to stop in my life. I've seen myself fall into ruts and the degradation is not pretty. So, my effort to shed these influences will mean I will re-evaluate my friends and their affect on me and take appropriate action to control the time I spend with them.

Next was one that I desperately want to make a high priority, especially with my move to health-conscious Denver, CO and my arrival on the gay scene there. Actually Workout at the Gym. Every gay man has some desire to look his best, to draw and attract those hot young men with equally hot bodies into some form of relationship whether it be just a casual friendship or all the way to the intimate lover. Surrounding yourself with physically beautiful people is a definite boost to any person's self-confidence. Surrounding yourself with people who's beauty comes from the inside is much more important, but kind of off topic for this paragraph.

Volunteering was one I have never done before. To be truthful, I'm not particularly attracted to it and I'm not sure why. It's something I see as being excellent for me but something I definitely have a block on. This year may be the year I decide to change that.

Stop Smoking, god, what a vice. And not for reasons of addiction. I just find the whole idea of it attractive in a social/conversation way. I realize that is not the best way to explain that. I understand the harmful effects of smoking and the unattractive side of it. It's the appeal that it carries for me as a rebellion statement. Rebellion against what society would have me do and rebellion against the restrictions put on me by my parents. Thus far my positive approach to not becoming addicted has worked. I believe the addiction is mostly in the mind, and as long as I refuse the idea of being addicted, my body takes care of me and puts no dependence on the cigarettes. It's a dirty habit. I know. But I am a free human being, capable of deciding for myself what is good, bad, and acceptable. When the appeal lessens, I'll stop.

That wraps up my thoughts on the new year and gives you insight into my mind and the courses I will probably take this year. There are a few smaller things that I want to get into. Hip hop dancing, art school, a boyfriend, bartending are just a few. But they fall into a different category.

New Year (07)

Well, I'm back. Looks like I took the summer... and the first half of the school year, off too. Wow. I'm seriously terrible at journaling. Well, due to an article I read at gaylife.about.com, I have decided to make blogging part of my new year's resolutions. Or journaling. I blog once in a while on my myspace page, but not enough. I'll do my best to take more time writing down thoughts I've had during the day. This will hopefully keep my stress levels down (you know they say journaling does that... nifty) and my mind back in balance. I'm gonna need it.

I have just twenty-five minutes to finish this blog before I move into the second day of the new year. I would like to do my best to keep this blog-a-day thing legit starting with the first day of the year. Might seem kinda petty, but it isn't. Not to me anyway. In order to move this topic along, I'm going to talk about the article I found and the resolutions it mentioned and my own action towards resetting some of my life's goals and desires for the next year. I'm not 100% sold on resolutions, they never worked for me, but I've had some things brought to the surface and I want to address them now. So we start.

First on the list was Journaling/Blogging. You see my trend here. I'm thinking it's a good idea as I already explained and I'm moving forward with it. Go me.

Second was No More Drama. I can't agree more! I have a big desire to live drama free, or at least close to it and this year will be no exception. I have enough drama I don't want in my life with my parents, I don't need it from boyfriends or work associates.

Third, Help a Needy Heterosexual. Ha ha ha! I love this one. I end up doing this at one time or another and as it stands I have a buddy at work who, although he is fairly homophobic still, has started to let his guard down and has come to me for advice on different occasions. I'm so flattered, I won't lie. Granted, I do wish he'd view me on a similar level to him, but it's not the end of my world. I can't live my life wanting people to except me when people, by majority, don't typically do that. We're making progress though.

After that was Fight for Gay Rights. They have my support on that one, baby. I began to take notice recently of the civil rights issues that have plagued us for a while now. It's an area I'm not great in, but one I aim to be better at. I am an American and I have the right to vote. So from here on I am going to take a bigger part in my country's politics. Ha ha, go me again.

Get Tested, that one was the fifth. I can't say much in this area since I have never been with anyone and am not sexually active. However, soon as that dreary area of my life changes, I will be getting tested, if nothing else just to do it.

Because I have a desire to finish this without rushing, I'm going to cut it off halfway here. I'll continue with the rest tomorrow, even if it's just the next side of twelve. This seems like a poor way to end this, much like a cut-off, but I will dress it up with a...

To Be Continued...

(Aren't I cool)

Mobile Blogging

Starting my mobile blog! I call it... portrait of a help page. Corny.

The Dead Do Walk Again

That title actually just reminded me of something a co-worker asked me the other day. I have no idea if you will find this as mildly amusing as I did, but this is my blog and I'll put whatever the heck I want to in it, thank you very much.

So, the question. If you were to find out the day before it happened that you were going to have to fight for your life against one of three types of killers, granted outrageous, who would you choose to bet your chances against:

-a host of vampires
-a sick-and-twisted serial killer from Saw, or
-a horde of zombies hungry for brains

My answer was vampires. And come to find out, a lot of people would choose vampires. A close second would be the zombies, and very few if any ever chose the serial killer.

This led to much discussion about why the most picked form of kill-or-die was the vampires and almost never the psycho killer. I think the key is that second to last word in the previous sentence- psycho. The serial killer is very real for most of us and thus an icon of a more likely death. The vampire is a romantic, morbidly beautiful, fantastic creature made popular by Bram Stoker and attractive by Anne Rice. I think most people would rather chance dieing ('cus we all have to sometime or other and if we are in a fifty fifty chance here) heroicaly or in some great tragic way but still with a sense of dignity and beauty. The vampire offers the Kiss and then imortality though it does have the price tag of eternal soul-less suffering. A far more romantic way to go (nearly painless) than to be tortured and then maimed and mutilated until you die in total agony. Uhhhm...I think I made my point. Unless you are one of those sick bastards who fantasizes about that stuff, in which case I suggest you go find your psychologist and have him stick you somewhere far away from all of humanity.

Back to our second choice of zombies, I think these guys deserve a medal or something for perseverance. I mean, they go and go until they satisfy their hunger for brains and then start the whole cycle all over again. There's focus for you. But, again, few want to die knowing their brains were gonna leave them in a less than clean or surgical procedure. Thinking about it more and more I have come to think that the vampire had a bit of lead over the other two and now think that maybe this question should be tossed and never asked again. 'Cus who wants to offend the opposing choices? Let's be as fair as we can people.

If you got this far, congrats. You have just wasted good time that you could have been looking at great art over at www.deviantart.com and enjoying something far more profitable than this mess of words. Most of this you really need to have taken Psyc 101 to appreciate. Or maybe it's just me. Yeah, it is just me.

So that was not the reason I put that title, but it worked out okay 'cus all I was gonna put was "Hey, I'm back and posting" or something similar. Now, I'm pretty sure the only person who might read this is Em or Doug so you better appreciate the meaningless ramble and if you got all the way down here, you must either love me find me mildly amusing both of which I am grateful for.

Now, off to the gym.

Mobile Blogging

I tried out mobile blogging today via my cell phone's SMS email texting and... it flopped horribly. I couldn't figure out what the heck my email server number was! If any of you know what I'm talking about, leave a comment and tell me what the flip is goin' on.



I'm getting a new phone here soon, hopefully today. My "plan" is running out on my t-Mobile phone and it would be cheaper to switch to Verizon Wireless since half the people I know are on Verizon. It seems to be a very popular company to go with out here in Wyoming, I guess because you can't get service with Cingular, Sprint if you travel, and some complain of inconsistent coverage with T-Mobile. I've never had problems with T-Mobile and would stick with it except that it is free IN-network calling with Verizon.

Maybe with this new phone and the mobile web feature I'll be able to work out the mobile blogging thing. One can hope.

iPod nano

Oh my holy freaking cow!

This just out today: Apple released the new member of the iPod family- iPod nano! This baby is much sweeter than it's sibling Shuffle as it combines the upgraded beauty of the color display of geration three iPod and the shrinkage and easy portability (lanyard headphones, for ex.) of Shuffle. This thing is a beauty of a design. Five hundred or 1,000 songs depending on which model you get, the 2G or 4G respectively. Black or white. I personally would pick the white, I think black just shows too much of the wear and tear. And white would match my iBook. I'm such a freakin' purist sometimes.

Go visit Apple.com's nano site.

If You're Not the One...

One of many important songs for me personally is Daniel Bedingfield's If You're Not the One. I guess this song is special because it is a favorite of someone who is special to me. The words in this song are so close to reality it's a bit scary, and maybe someday I'll be able to sit down with that special girl and play this song for her.

Above is a picture of Daniel, and below are the lyrics as well as a link to his website. Enjoy!

DanielBedingfield.com

Artist: Daniel Bedingfield
Album: Gotta Get Thru This
Title: If You're Not The One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?