Commit to This

Commitment : an agreement or pledge to do something in the future ; especially : an engagement to assume a financial obligation at a future date b: something pledged c: the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled commitment to a cause>

I've been mulling this word and its definition around in my head for a variety of reasons for the last few days. The above definition is from Merriam-Webster's Online Dictionary. The reason I ponder this is directly related to little things (and occasionally big things)  in my life that I've committed to in the past and always seemed to fail so far from the goal. Don't think this whole thing is going to be a rant on how negatively impacted my life and consciousness are because of past missteps. I'm really trying to delve into the meaning of "commitment" and understand, in a public audience sort of way, how one can work through this issue. 

Biggest problem with following through on commitment for me, right now, is my promise to myself to keep a daily practice going in an effort to understand who I am, become more aware of my body, and then keep myself present in my body so as to promote deeper growth and higher levels of awareness in myself. This is something I know I desire, and being a part-time control freak, want to master early on in my life. So why so hard? There are solid weeks where I fail to meditate at all and sometimes just a day or two at a time slips by with my not even having a thought towards my 10 minutes of sitting with myself focusing on breath and body. Part of me thinks this must be because I don't really want this that bad. Something I was told a lot growing up. Another part of me screams that the energy is there I just haven't unlocked my will to move forward yet and need to pull down what is blocking me. Still a third part of my mind says that it is merely a lesson to be learned and with continued perseverance I will prevail. 

Other areas I've been less than perfect have involved other "me" things like committing to a workout schedule, better eating habits, taking time for Me, and improving relationships between friends and family. All of these are things I know I want and yet skip them over completely. Rarely, when other people are involved, usually in a work or school or social group setting, will I fail in my commitment, whatever that may be. Always there is a follow through and total completion of whatever task I'm given. Bosses have learned to rely on me and friends and family feel comfortable asking me to do something, anything. At least I think they do. Lol. So, is my motivator other people? Am I not capable of doing what I want to do? Do I think so little of myself that I don't value what I've promised myself? Maybe.

The Internet has been a bit of a waste in answering these questions, but About.com was fairly helpful in the article written by Keath Low titled "ADD and Commitments - Keep Those Commitments..." and I've included some of his advice here. His first piece is "Say Yes only when you mean Yesand I can say I don't have an issue with this. I will rarely take on more than I can handle, and I have no excuse for not being able to do most of the things I commit to doing for myself. His second bit is sensible, and that is to break the task down into steps and set up a schedule to complete. God, I have so many issues with schedules and sticking to them. Issues, people. Despite all of this, it's great advice. It would be wise to try implementing his simple system for a few things and see how it works out. 

I went on to read "ADD and Self Care" and found that I do most of these things or could easily implement them into my routine. No problems there. But what has caught my attention is that these and a few other articles I found all reference ADD and ADHD as common reasons for this problem. Please! Could I really have these? Granted, I've never been tested for it and I did show bad signs of being ADD in high school, but I've always been of the opinion that it was a type of learned behavior that could be reversed with a little disciplined thinking and operating. 

So this obviously leads to further questions, but I'll save these for another time and post. For the time being I think it would help if I began some further research and meditation on what issues I may have with treating myself with respect. If I don't respect those I work for or seek to learn from, I take nothing away from the experience. The same applies to myself. A failure to put value in what I want for myself will only result in constant failure and a  lack of following through on my commitments. 

So I leave this post kind of open on the end and hopefully will have a closing land somewhere in another post down the road. Life is about constant change, evolution, and self-discovery. Here's to finding more out about myself and gaining a deeper awarenss of what makes me tick. 

Thanks for listening in. 


Perfect for Today

Fuck You Very Much - Lyrics

Lily Allen

Look inside, look inside your tiny mind 
And look a bit harder 
Cause we’re so uninspired 
So sick and tired 
Of all the hatred you harbor 

So you say it’s not okay to be gay 
Well I think you’re just evil 
You’re just some racist who can’t tie my laces 
You’re point of view is medieval

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause we hate what you do 
And we hate your whole crew 
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause your words don’t translate 
And it’s getting quite late 
So please don’t stay in touch

Do you get, do you get a little kick out of being small-minded? 
You want to be like your father 
It’s approval you’re after 
Well that’s not how you’ll find it 

Do you, do you really enjoy living a life that’s so hateful 
Cause there’s a hole where your soul should be 
You’re losing control of it 
And it’s really distasteful

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause we hate what you do 
And we hate your whole crew 
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause your words don’t translate 
And it’s getting quite late 
So please don’t stay in touch 

You say, you think we need to go to war
Well you're already in one.
Cause it's people like you that need to get sued
No-one wants your opinion

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause we hate what you do 
And we hate your whole crew 
So please don’t stay in touch

Fuck you, fuck you very very much 
Cause your words don’t translate 
And it’s getting quite late 
So please don’t stay in touch

For more on Lily Allen and to hear her music check out her iLike page and give "Fuck You Very Much" a listen.


Happy St. Paddy's Day

This one's for the snakes! And may you all get a little leprechaun luck in your pockets today. Keep an eye out!


New Look 2009

I don't remember when I changed the blog's look last, but I felt like I needed a dramatic shift. Thus the lack of dark colors and the now stark white slate with blood red highlights ready for my colorful or bleak ramblings. I'm still doing some adjustments on the script for this design that I downloaded from www.btemplates.com. Once that's done it should flow smoothly. Biggest itch right now is the lack of spacing between sections of the sidebars. Flaw in the original design. A few tweaks and I should get it fixed.

Let me know if there are any parts you find hard to use or annoying. I'll probably just tell you to suck it up, but don't let that discourage you. Lol Also, I did lose my site list when uploading this new template so it will be a bit before I get that up and running. Oh for the days of Photoshop. This thing would be in top notch performance if I had all the right tools. Someday soon.

Thanks for reading guys. Readership is up to a high daily average now. Why you people want to read this dirge, I don't know, but I love you for it. Lol

I Freakin' Love These Guys

So I've been mulling around in my head a possible post for about a week now and while I could really do multiple posts on my idea, I've decided one will suffice. 

I have many wise, intelligent, and smart people in my life which some might say I've been "blessed" to meet and others would say I was lucky. I think it's a good mixture of both. Being a person who believes in luck to a limited degree and also one who believes that we meet people based on our will and intention as it is put out to the matrix around us, I take the approach that yes, I am a lucky son of a bitch to have bumped into the people I have and also I am very "blessed," using that as the emotional good feeling type, to have crossed paths with various inspirational and witty individuals. 

Many people come to mind as I think about this and while I'm not in any mood to list each and every one of them, you all know who you are. These people range from my very close family to lifelong friends and all the way to those who I've yet to meet in person or in spirit. They cover all classes and genders, races and titles, dispositions and orientations. They are my own very colorful palate of knowledge, wisdom, and direction. Each different and valuable in their own, sometimes messed up, way. 

Every single one of these people has been a friend, parent, brother, sister, teacher, student, or peer to me, some more than just one of these. There are those who've helped me through rough times of growing up and seeing the other side of the maturation process. Some have been emotionally supportive when life had me down and again when life dealt me all the right cards. A few have sat through my rants and ravings and calmly showed me another side of an issue. Some have never said a thing to me but been around, just in case. All have taught me more about life and still have more to teach me still. Some are complete morons that in their own way show me how not to be and continue to make me love them for simply who they are. Some are brilliant and scare the crap out of me when I realize I may never have that same potential but still give me something to shoot for. I could go on and on. 

I look back on my life almost daily and marvel that I still have not one thing that I regret, not one fact that I would change if I could. All of it has led me to who I am today and while I'm hardly perfect and barely strive for that I am very happy with where I've come from and where I plan to go. Each college buddy, mother, adopted family member, best friend, and dumb shit I've come across has influenced me in some way. Some would say many of these have been negative influences, and some would take my perspective on it and say that every one of them has had some good influence on me in one way or another to a large or small degree. Why change a thing?

I hope that I continue to attract and draw influential and wise people to me. For those that have come and gone, I hope they do some good in other people's lives like they have mine. For those that are still around, I plan on keep them around for as long as they can stand me. And I also hope that I continue to take the time to appreciate and reflect on how glad I am that they are around. That being said I plan to have another blog post like this in the future, just as a reminder. 

Wise people are able to spread their love of one tree to the entire forest -- and, then, to the Source of the forest. Wise people are able to spread their love of one moment to all moments -- and, then, to the Source of all moments.

Early Morning Conversation



I was up late and decided to catch up on some recent blogs my friends have posted and found this little dandy on my adopted mom's site!  So, because it's insanely late and I plan on getting up at 8 tomorrow, I sat here and filled this out. Who am I kidding though? I loved it.  


1. What is your salad dressing of choice?
Custom made stuff is the best, but I'm partial to a little oil and salt and peppahar!
2. What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Way too many to try to list. I haven't picked a fave yet. 
3.What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Pizza and Beer
4. What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Pepperoni and cheese and sometimes mushrooms
5. What do you like to put on your toast?

1. How many televisions are in your house?
4 at the moment
2.What color cell phone do you have?
1. Are you right-handed or left-handed?
2. Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Not surgically
3. What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Probably a sofa and some chests at a friend's
4. Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Nope. Been unconscious, though. 

1. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
I guess. I already know how it's going to happen so when would just be cool. 
2. If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Justin, Brian, or Aarron
3. Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
What type of hot sauce is it?

1. How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
2. Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
I have so many minor run-ins with the cops I don't remember
3. Last person you talked to?
Mark before he went to bed. 
4.Last person you hugged?
Val. She had some weird hug thing she wanted to try from an online article. 

1. Season?
Tough. Big fan of Summer, but I do like the cool down of Fall, not to mention its pure witchyness!
2. Day of the week?
Monday. The week always looks better from the start. 
3. Month?
June. My birthday, which is becoming less and less important the older I get, lands in the middle. 

1. Missing someone?
A lot of people. Being a hermit sucks after a while.
2. Mood?
Contemplative. Soaking up all kinds of new ideas. 
3. What are you listening to?
4. Watching?
Saw Watchmen a couple hours ago. 
5. Worrying about?
The lack of a job, the debt I'm getting into with a couple of minor companies, and whether or not I'm passing up any opportunities because I'm a blond dipshit sometimes.

1. First place you went this morning?
2. What's the last movie you saw?
Again, Watchmen. It was amazing. 
3. Do you smile often?
When I'm consciously thinking about it. Otherwise I look very pissed off. Lol
4. Sleeping Alone Tonight?
Yeah. Sucks. I miss nights spent with someone else. 

1. Do you always answer your phone?
Rarely. If I want to talk, I pick up. 
2. Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
One of my bar homies. 
3. If you could change your eye color what would it be?
White-blue. I've always liked the shock value of really bright irises. 
4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
5. Do you own a digital camera?
Yes, it's not working though. 
6. Have you ever had a pet fish?
When I was three. 
7. Favorite Christmas song.
Carol of the Bells
8. What's on your wish list for your birthday?
People to actually show up for once. 
9. Can you do push ups?
10. Can you do a chin up?
One...or two...
11. Does the future make you more nervous or excited?
12. Do you have any saved texts?
One, it's all my phoen will hold right now. 
13. Ever been in a car wreck?
Gods, yes. 
14. Do you have an accent?
Not until I hear a British one, then I'm stuck with that for a few days. 
15. What is the last song to make you cry?
Moon River. My best friend left me for California on that song.
16. Plans tonight?
Going to bed in a few. 
17. Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
Yeah. At least a couple of times. Also called a Dark Night of the Soul. 
18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.
I have a serious lack of money here, people! I'm not out buying things! Lol
19) Have you ever been given roses?
No, but I'd probably shred them if I did. I hate stereotypical romance. 
20) Current worry?
21. Current hate right now?
How fucked up the country is right now and its immediate reflection on my life. 
22. Met someone who changed your life?
Several. Check back tomorrow, I'll have a whole blog post on it. 
23. How will you bring in the New Year?
Hopefully at a bar with pals.
24. What song represents you?
Defying Gravity from Wicked
25. Name three people who might complete this?
Schelli? She reads for sure, and maybe Val if she's bored, and hopefully you, my unknown reader. Yes, I know you're there. My traffic trackers tell me you poke your head in from time to time. Lol
26. What is something your friends make fun of you for?
Liking men and their hot, naked bodies. 'Course, I'm not one to hold back on the fodder for their cannons. Lol

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