Life in NYC - Two Months Later

Whoever said moving to New York City was difficult was correct, almost. The technicality lies in the fact that it's not getting here that is tough, it's the adjustment period and initial struggle to get stabilized once you've landed. Prior to my move I had a good friend grab my hand and take a long look at me and state that August was going to be rough but September would bring along everything I was looking for with my move. She was dead right.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been miserable or dream-killing, even during the moments of sheer panic and short bouts of depression that have cropped up. My first day in the city was full of the stereotypical wonder and excitement that I think most people feel the first time they visit the city or move here. I didn't have a clue where I was going to sleep and every room situation fell through before I'd even arrived, but the excitement just kept on a constant rumble for weeks. It was like a constant little reservoir I could tap into no matter what emotion had my immediate attention right then. And it's still there.

August was rough. My move into my new apartment didn't happen on time and I ended up panicking for a few days. I bounced around to different living situations so many times I've grown sick to death of boxes and suitcases and don't care to pack another one for a good while. I've met some great people and some not so great people. I've wandered through some scary little neighborhoods and gotten lost a few times too many. I've run short of money more times than I could almost stand. I've been homeless more than once.

All of this carried over to September for a week or two with a few things improving. There was the promise of a place to call home on the horizon and I managed to land a job just by walking into the restaurant and asking for work. I've had some kind of money coming into my pockets every day so far this month and there's a good chance that's only going to improve over the next few months. I managed to score a fantastic new roommate and I've grown so much closer to my little group of old and new friends here in the city. September has slowly revealed pieces of the life I wanted in part or in whole and it's looking like things are staying steady.

Two months in and I feel like I've grown a little and a lot at different times. I've got a home, friends, good health (just barely after that cold last week) and a job that pays the bills. New York City has taught me how to be alone while not being lonely and how to approach every day as a new adventure with new and random surprises around every corner. I was looking for radical change and it has found me. I'm still that kid from Wyoming and Colorado who is a little stupid and little awkward at times, but I'm quickly becoming the man who followed his dream of moving to the big city and opened up doors to be whatever he wished.

We are the architects of our own fate. - Buddhist saying

Blue Jeans

Someday I will have someone special that I can put these lyrics to our relationship. Until then, I'll just keep listening to this song and thinking about the qualities I want in him when I find him.

Unknown Artist

I will love you 'til the end of timeI would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you 'til the end of time

- Lana Del Rey

When a God Plays Hide and Seek

Pan Invoked by Shawn Carter

The question was asked in a forum/group I am a part of on Facebook- "I'm know this question is as old as time itself but I would like to hear from you guys on how you became devoted followers and servers of your deity or deities? I wanna know it all from what brought you to them all the way to now." and "Also on what age you were too. Was it per-puberty or post-puberty? And if your transgender was it pre-op or post-op?"  I have the hardest time crunching things down into a few sentences, let alone a paragraph, so of course I had to blog it.

I would say Pan is my chosen deity although you could argue the reverse just as easily. I've had a longtime fascination with him that started at a very young age. I'm not sure if it started with the image of a faun hoofing it (ha ha ha) through the snow, loaded down with brown paper-wrapped packages, tail over his arm and a snow-covered umbrella in hand under a lamp-post or if it was the discovery of the guardian of the forest in the forest grove watching over a baby otter until his worried father and a mole found him. If you know the books I'm talking about, you get cookies. If not, well, I guess I could tell you that they were The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis and The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame. The LtWatW sparked an initial interest in all things Greek mythology. Willows had a more subtle effect realized much later when I understood how very much Pan was the spirit of the forest and how my relationship with him early on was more of a child's curiosity.

Of all the characters in Greek myth Pan was the one I found completely fascinating for reasons I didn't really understand. Admittedly, there was some attraction to the Greek gods for their muscled bodies and the fact that nobody seemed to want to put clothes on them. I came into my own sexuality very early in life, but more on that in a bit. But outside of the physical appearance of the gods there was a very human quality to them that I did not find in the god my fundamentalist Christian parents wanted me to devote my life to. They were much more easily identified with. And yet it was not Pan's human half that attracted me to him. In him I found a wild, beautiful, "dark" side that appealed to that hidden side of me that hung back from the main stage of The Life of Shawn.

As I got into my teenage years and hormones took over and the chaos that was being a closeted gay who loathed his sexuality came into play heavily I started to crave someone like the protector of the forest who's perceived calming and comforting presence was welcome. I began to connect to the idea of Pan as a father to all those who were not "normal" and who were the undesirables of society. I specifically remember going back to the chapter in Wind in the Willows and spending time rereading it trying to capture the image and sensation that I was Portly the otter and there was nothing to worry about. Looking back, Pan might have had some unrestrained influence on my more suicidal moments as life went up and down for me and panic set in over losing what was my entire world at the time, but such is life lived with a god whose own immortality tends to put a lower priority on whether you breathe air or not. Alive or dead you are still very much a part of the matrix that makes up a god's life force, right? A question for another long entry.

After exploring my interest in all things Celtic and druid in high school I started pondering how much the Horned God of the druids had in common with the Horned God of Arcadia. My blood is pretty green even though there is no immediate connection to a Celtic or Gaelic ancestry until you go way back to my Saxon ancestors who seemed to give birth to a long line of political opportunists who married and or slept their way around what is now Scotland, Ireland and then England. I'm mostly American mutt. But the interest and pull of Pan was strong as was the pull of the magic of standing stones, avenging ancestral dead and a race of god-men who fought glorious battles before accepting their receding part in the ongoing story of the rise of Men on earth. So I just let it be. No point in fighting what comes naturally.

I played with a pagan/wiccan religious worldview for a few years while trying to figure out where life was going shortly after leaving home and coming out as the atypical gay guy I accepted myself as. I found myself generalizing a god and goddess for reasons I wasn't entirely certain of. It wasn't until I decided that I was ready to take the plunge and go from a solitary pagan into an actual coven that I started revisiting the idea of this god who I seemed to have a stronger connection to than any of the others I'd flirted with. At a pagan festival in Colorado I attended a workshop where our goal was to get a taste of aspecting or invoking a godform. At a point in the lesson we were to close our eyes and drop into a meditative state and allow any god or goddess to make themselves known. Immediately I found myself in a grassy field bordering  a forest. Nobody showed up for a few minutes so I kicked back and waited until Pan popped in ten yards in front of me. Not totally surprised and definitely happy about it. My first reaction was to head towards him. His response was laugh his ass off and head off across the meadow with this wordless invitation to find him if I really was serious about wanting to invoke his name. After that, shit got serious.

About a year later I ended up finishing the basic courses with the coven I was training with and decided to pursue first degree initiation in their tradition. Part of this process was choosing a deity to work with and a magickal name to dedicate with. Five guesses what deity I chose. The first four don't count. The name I ended up choosing was a funny sequence of events but the end result was that I chose a surname of "Paikon" that, after much help and some study of the numerical value of the final result, translates to "priest of Pan" roughly. It's one of the few things I've created in my life that I'm completely happy with even to this day. I initiated with my new name and dedicated to the study and worship of Pan and Selene.

Shortly after my dedication I led my first coven ritual celebrating Lupercalia, an old Roman festival that honored the wolf, werewolves, and in many accounts Pan/Faunus/Pan Lykaios. While Pan's direct connection to the festival is debated (some people believe that the Pan the Romans worshipped was a "master of werewolves"), I took what I had and ran with it. Further maturing of this ritual is a constant project of mine as well as a way to make it more relevant to modern pagans. That night solidified it as Pan's holiday for me.

After a year of first degree classes I ended up parting ways with that coven over differences of opinion on where the coven was heading and a change from a working family to a more public and polished identity. With this parting I took away a fantastic new first hand relationship with invoking Pan into my body. My first time was during an invocation class and I have invoked him a few times since then, sometimes with intent and other times spontaneously. My understanding of who he is and what he is seems to have been embedded deep inside me waiting for me to uncover more and more the deeper I get into that relationship. A year of focused learning and experience that have proved to cement him even deeper into my own identity and spur me on to learn more and more about him every chance I get.

I don't claim to know all about Pan and I have kept out a lot from this post to save it from being a four-hour novel. Hopefully it gives anyone interested enough to either relate or get curious about this goat man who ravishes nymphs in his off time when he's not playing on his pipes. At some point I will offer up a more expanded post on my understanding of this god through my own experience paired with what history has to tell us about him.

Randy Phillips and Video Posting

This post is really just an excuse to post a video. I would like to mention though that this guy is a big inspiration for me. He is/was in the military and decided to come out when DADT was repealed (much cheering and applause) and has taken to YouTube to share his thoughts, workouts, and healthy living ideas with the world. Very cool guy. I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to have coffee with the dude.

And that's about all. Please check out Randy's channel AreYouSurprised on YouTube and remember to subscribe.

A Thoughtful Wander with a Fun Endpoint

I find it so odd that while I have this intense desire to write, the minute I sit down to do it is right when all the juicy stuff evaporates. Is there such a thing as "writer's curse"? Similar to the writer's block? Warning: this thing started as a ramble and turned into me talking about my own psychology. Lol

Remember that post from back in November of '11? The one where I mulled over my identity, or signature? I've been thinking. Yes, always dangerous as it is for many people who take up the habit. I like to go back and read bit and pieces from my entries from time to time, just to get a feel for where the blog is at, where it's been, and where it may be going. After landing on that article again and thinking about how things had changed in the last three months, I first thought that I had dropped that "quest" completely. That was, until I thought about it from a different point of view.

While I wouldn't say that I have spent any great amount of time thinking about that question, I have subtly altered how I analyze and examine the things I do, what I say and how I respond, and how I react to the world around me. This has actually started some great progress towards solidifying the more abstract parts of what make me up. For example, in a situation where I am faced with making a choice over whether I find someone worth my time and effort or no, I have really been weighing in the pros and cons. It takes me a bit longer to make up my mind, but I am finding that I spend time with more people who have something valuable to teach me, directly or indirectly.

I also am noticing more of a shift in focus onto the things that I want to do. Rather than approach life with a "meh" attitude, I have been actually pursuing those things that I am passionate about but have put on the bottom shelf because they weren't "the thing to do" or "I'd like to do that someday". I realize that I do a lot of talking about these things thinking that are a big part of who I am. But how can that be when I haven't engaged in these activities in months or years? One cannot call themselves a painter if they don't pick up a brush and canvas on a regular basis. You can't call yourself a mechanic because you fiddled with your car's engine five years ago.

I talk a lot. Mercury does have quite a bit of influence in my life. And I have the best intentions of carrying through with the ideas that I talk about. Half the time I am successful at following through. The other half of the time I either forget about them or set them aside long enough that they lose whatever oomph they had. And then occasionally touch on them again and get excited only to repeat the same pattern. I have a lot of theories on why I do this, fear of failure being the winning one. I talk, but I see a trend forming lately that may just fix the part where I splat five thousand feet before the starting line.

I think the key is to attack this one thing at a time. I've been talking for years about going to the gym. Tying it into getting in shape for a holiday, beach time, vacation or other event always gets me excited about it, but once that holiday gets close I lose all motivation. What I had to ask myself was why am I not doing this for me? Aren't I the most important person here to be making promises to? Shouldn't I care about the constant trend of disappointing myself? As the one perceiving and translating every thing in the world around me into time and life, how I treat myself is directly affecting how I treat others and my interaction with every other part of my life. So I decided to join a gym. And I made it all about me. I don't go for the company, because company won't always be there and they may let you down. I don't go for the attention, although I definitely love when I get cruised or "accidentally bumped" in the ass. I go for me. To spend time with me. And to enjoy the fact that I feel better because I did something good for, you guessed it, me. One thing at a time.

That example out of the way, you can see how this selfishness would apply to picking up my love for art and making things, being socially active again, and top on my mind today, finding a boyfriend. And this is the part I'm working out in my head right now. My apologies in advance since this will probably be disjointed.

So much of the process of finding a boyfriend is focused on what we want in someone and then seems to turn into what we can contribute. If we are living honestly with ourselves and being true to who we are, what we contribute will be what attracts other people to us. So why are we hung up on this? I'm not convinced it's a good thing to focus on when finding that special someone. Focus on doing what you love and finding someone who is what you want, not what the culture says you should want. I find it out of place to focus on settling for someone because they fit some of the bill and you can always find a way to sacrifice some part of yourself to make up for the rest. Fuck that, I say. Get out there, find what you want and go for it. If they like who you are they will go for it. If not, take what things you can learn from the relationship and aggressively move on.

I think a lot of this probably falls into the idea that the right person will come along if you just focus on being yourself and living your life. Many of the people I have been, or currently am, interested in generally fell right into my lap while I was busy living life. The times I've been so focused on nothing but finding someone and setting aside the things I enjoy have led to some of the most depressing times in my life. So, ultimately, I've probably not really stumbled onto some new take on life and relationships, I've just found a new way, for me, of looking at an old idea because of recent changes in patterns of thinking in my life. I like where this is going.

Signature

I've been mulling over identity and uniqueness today. I find each person's unique qualities to be fascinating and a large part of what attracts me to them. I find most, if not all, of my friends possess something like this. I'm guessing that people who don't have these "uniquenesses" probably don't wind up jiving with me and may not end up developing into more than an acquaintance. It's definitely something I can pick out in each one of them. They are as unique and different in their individual styles, likes and dislikes, moods and quirks.

What is getting me is how not like this I feel. I can pin down someone's "signature" on the world around them but not my own. It's probably just me being over analytically, but I look at myself and see copycatting. I see little bits of everyone else out there as the sum total of who I am. None of it seems like it's a spawn of my own individuality. Granted, most of my experiences are my own or are a reinterpretation of a shared experience with someone else. But outside of that, what makes me standout sharply against the background?

This question will be around for a while, I'm thinking. I am on a quest to figure out what makes me unique and develop it. I'm tired of blending in with the background. Not sure why that is the way it is, but awareness can only act on it or let it be. There is no going back and changing the past. Who'd really want to? It would rob me of this process of self development.

Failure?

I've been dealing with my own issues with failure lately and due to my internal structure, the move-in-process has brought them back up to the forefront. I've done my own analyzing many times and my logic tells me that many of the scenarios I drag up are not failures, merely perceived that way. Doesn't change the reoccurrence factor. And it typically haunts me for months. 

Today was particularly bad but not one that was hard to hide. I seem to be getting better at that as time goes on. I'm noticing with time the different ways that these bad days/weeks/months affect my daily activities. Today my work was obviously getting the shit end of the stick. The smallest jobs were immediately challenged by the thought that I was hardly capable of doing this on my own and getting it right at all. My self-confidence took a massive dive. And as a result I was probably incredibly annoying to the many people I had to stop and ask for help for every minor issue. Yes, that's why they're there, but I'm big on doing things myself. And myself wasn't up for it. And I felt another accusing call of "failure" creeping in compounding the already present cacophony. 

See how this thing just builds and gets worse? 

So towards the end of the day I started looking for anything to read that would help me take my mind off the self-confidence issue and put on a more positive spin. I found this article and while it's not all things I would agree with, I still found it immediately uplifting and decided it was worth a share. 

Do You Feel Like a Failure?

by Debbie Takara Shelor

Several years ago I started noticing that I wasn't happy. I was ill more often than was O.K. with me and I seemed to only find pleasure in writing.

I began asking, "Whatever happened to my joy? I must have had some joy in my life at some point. But where has it gone?

I wasn't happy in high school. We moved to a new town when I was entering the 9th grade and I cried everyday after school for almost a year because I just didn't know how to fit in with the same crowd - or type of kids - that I'd been friends with in my previous school. I felt like a failure at making my high school life work. I didn't even attend the 5 year reunion because the pain was still so great.

But there were times in grade school and junior high when I was very very happy.

Even during my engineering career my laugh was so infectious and wonderful that one of the plant managers used to comment about it often. He loved my laugh.

But the laugh was even gone for awhile.

So where had it gone? When and why did my joy leave?

I was sitting in my office "trying" yet another thing to make our business successful. I had already spent hours (years) upgrading the website, answering email, writing the newsletters, reading about effective marketing.
My former husband - whose timing is always impeccable - came in to the room and said "Here you sit. Again! You are in front of the computer when I leave for work and you are on it when I come home. You don't do anything else." Then he just turned and left.

I didn't defend myself. I didn't try to explain why it was so important to be doing what I'd been doing. I just sat there and thought about it and realized he was right. There I sat and I wasn't even enjoying it. The only thing I enjoyed was writing the newsletters, but the rest brought me no joy. I was now in a state of realizing that "something isn't right here."
That same day he called and asked me why our bank account had a negative balance?
I had no reply. I went numb. After I hung up the phone, I had a complete and total physical and emotional breakdown. I was sobbing really big tears. And I was ready to leave - the planet I mean. I had had it. I was a complete and total failure (in my own mind). I couldn't even manifest a positive bank account. I was exhausted from the struggle. I hated the game (life). I hated my life (the things I had co-created).

There I was - in that most magical of moments - often referred to as the Dark Night of the Soul. That amazingly horrible wonderful instant when you can choose to sink or swim. That time when we are forced to make a real choice - to change our life permanently for the better or stay stuck in anger, hatred, sadness, or whatever other type of negativity. I had "hit the wall" as they say. I felt like an absolute and total failure. The old way was absolutely no longer acceptable.

I'd been there before - back in 1993. That experience is what caused my spiritual awakening. Interestingly it was brought on by the same type of thing. Depression - severe depression over the loss of a job I totally and completely loved.

You see I had become completely co-dependent on what I considered the perfect magical job for myself. I was a Team Leader in the Bayer Factory. We made all the Bayer Aspirin in the U.S. I was co-creator of a self-directed work team. I got to travel. I got to teach team, communication, and quality skills. I got to work one on one with employees - their personal development. I worked night and day. It was difficult, but I had a mission - create a successful self-directed factory.

But the more things I tried, the harder it became, the more problems there seemed to be.

And then the unthinkable happened.
The company restructured and I was taken out of the Bayer Factory. I was no longer a Team Leader in a self directed work environment. I was a front line supervisor in a traditional (archaic) factory - a job I had turned down at least 6 times prior to this. To say I was devastated hardly begins to describe all the things I felt.

My dream had been wretched out from under me - and there was nothing I could do about it. Once again, my life felt like a failure.In hindsight, almost 10 years later, I finally saw the truth. The truth is I thought my one shot at real glory had been shattered. I was so co-dependent on the "success" of the project that I couldn't see the truth. The truth is I didn't care about the success of the team. What I cared about was me being part of something wildly successful. If I was part of something wildly successful, then I would finally deserve and therefore receive the acknowledgement and appreciation I was so desperately seeking from - oh no - my dad.

Growing up I never got it. I tried everything. I was the best at practically everything I did. I'd come home with straight A's and my dad's only comment would be "Why weren't they A+'s?" That's it. After all I had put into achieving I never received the reward. I was a failure in my own mind even when I was excelling.

So out of this I developed the belief that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and it would never bring me happiness. So I had to try harder, try more things, and the more attached I was to the outcome being a success, well (as is always the case when you are attached to an outcome) the bigger the failure it became.

When you are attached to the outcome there is no way for there to be a good result. Actions not taken in joy never result in happiness.

I wasn't taking actions out of joy. I was taking actions out of desperation. Trying desperately to achieve something worthy of praise. Trying desperately not to be a failure in the eyes of others and in my own eyes.

The driving force behind all of my actions was not desire to attain my value of helping people or making a difference. My actions were being taken from the shear terror of how I'd feel (and always did feel) because my dad must not love me since he never praised my accomplishments.

Because father represents Father (the masculine aspect of God), then God must not be pleased with me either. Great!

The more I tried, the more things didn't work, the more unhappy I became. So I tried with more determination, with greater attachment to the outcome. So of course all I experienced was disappointment and complete lack of joy. I didn't enjoy the work because it was full of disappointment - I had WAY too many expectations. I couldn't enjoy my former husband, or my son, or where we live - even though all three of those are fabulous. I NEVER took time for myself. Because the only thing that mattered was the success (or in this case lack of success) of the business.

My focus was completely on what I didn't have and the sense of failure I felt. And I completely lost sight of what I did have - which was a great deal.The human personality is such a silly character. Lets get to the truth of the matter.

Did (and does) my father love me?

Absolutely!

Did he acknowledge my accomplishments?

Yes in his own way.

Was he proud of me?

You have no idea how very proud.

But the little girl - we don't know how old she was when she decided all this - wasn't getting the exact right words or actions at the exact right time to satisfy her own insecurity. So she made all the other stuff up and began living life from that perspective. A completely debilitating set of beliefs and patterns with really no justification for their existence.

We all do that you know!

What is the worst thing you can do for your immune system? Experience for long periods of time negative (or low vibratory) emotions such as anger, hatred, fear, depression, sadness, etc. I'd been stuck in sadness and depression. So I became ill. And no matter what I tried things didn't really improve.

This Dark Night of the Soul literally freed me from the shackles of a limiting belief that I'd carried most of my life. After the initial breakdown - which was very short lived - this huge energetic boulder, that was much bigger than I am, shattered into a million pieces and fell to the floor all around me. It was gone. I mean it was really gone.

The next day, after this experience of discovering the shadow, I turned 41. It was Spring Equinox - a time of rebirth and renewal.

I was literally faced with having to redefine who I Am and what matters to me. A kind of scary idea. All of my goals, values, and everything had this false belief underneath them. Now that it was gone its like I had to start again. I had to re-evaluate my values. I had to look at my goals to see if they made sense. And, finally, it felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe deep and relax.

Before everything was about being perceived as being successful - so everyone, especially my dad, would love me. So, nothing and I mean nothing, could be left to chance. The stress this creates is almost unimaginable.
This "thing" driving me in every moment wasn't even something in my best interest. It caused stress which leads to disease. It required taking actions that I didn't even enjoy. It was my creation - a belief of how life is, how life works, what really mattered, based on mistruths.

My dad wanted me to excel - feeling that would bring me happiness. So he urged me to do that in his own way.

The entire goal of this journey we call life is to discover the truth and move forward into the Light. The light of freedom. A life of love, joy, laughter, creativity, and fun unencumbered by the shackles we've placed on ourselves.
Our only mission is to discover and re-merge (become) the Divine Being we already are - going past the illusions and fears of being human.
No-one said the journey was easy. But it is the only journey that has any lasting value. Everyone's journey is different and perfect. And the journey never ends.
  So now what's happening with me you ask?

Well I went off into the mountains and wrote a book called Freeway to Freedom. The meditations I was "given" involve dolphin healing technologies and they permanently heal issues, beliefs, fears, the past, and more.
Well, with the help of those technologies, the Phoenix (me) has definitely risen from the ashes:

I Am soooo much lighter.

I smile alot.

Finishing things used to be really hard - and often didn't happen. I think I thought that if I never finished, then whatever it was couldn't be judged as a success or a failure. There have been many completions since then.
I'm no longer struggling with the same issues. So I'm no longer exhausted from the struggle. Yeah!

When I'm with someone I'm really with them enjoying the moment. I don't have to worry about their perception of my perfection and success. And I don't have a million to do's running through my head.

When I think of something that "should" be done, the first thing I ask myself is "Would doing that bring me joy?" If the answer is no, then I don't do it - at least not right then. I wait until I can enjoy doing it or I don't do it at all.
Have you ever felt like a failure?
Have you ever experienced feeling totally defeated, like you have failed at something really important? It might be that your marriage ended, or your child got into trouble or didn't reach their potential, or you lost your job. Maybe, like me, you went through a job restructuring and felt you were demoted or a failure at your new position. Maybe you tried to start your own business and it didn't really take off. Or perhaps you just aren't happy and can't figure out why.

Success and failure walk hand in hand. What do they each mean to you? What does it feel like or look like to be successful? What does it feel like or look like to be a failure?

When you focus on the failure, you rarely even notice the success. Start finding what is good, what you can be grateful for, what is like a blessing.
There are many people who are facing the wall (of their shadow) or have actually hit the wall - people who feel like they are a failure or have failed at some aspect of their life. Alot of them don't know what to do. Feel free to share the story I just told you about my own experience and suggest that they look for the mistruth or limiting belief that has caused them to come to the place they are at in their own life.
We offer many tools and experiences that can help.

Blessings,Debbie

The original article can be read here. 

Inappropriate Ways to Celebrate the Summer Solstice List

I had a little fun on Facebook today posting these as they came to mind. Part of my inner cynic came out and played with my odd sense of humor. Enjoy.
#1- Sunburn. Apollo/Sol/Ra most likely does not want your flesh crispy fried as some sort of sick homage to them. After all, you really think they'd want to have sex with a lobster the next time they decide to incarnate and father some offspring?
#2- Skyclad in Public. While it might be a genuine expression of your desire to celebrate in true Wiccan style, please refrain from exposing too much (or all) of yourself today while wandering amongst the unprepared masses. We might end up liking it, we might end up traumatized. Please don't assume we'll be jonesing for a gander at your goodies, though.
#3- Arson. Yes, yes, all hail the god(s) of light and warmth and joy and... fire. It's true, the sun is a big ball of fire. However, your office building should not become your burnt offering, people. Some of us nice, non-douchey people probably work with you too. You could at least have the decency to include us in the blaze-making if you're going to do it at all.
#4- Glitter. This is a personal pet peeve of mine. I'd rather you not run around whacking people with your fairy wand and dumping a god-awful amount of glitter "fairy dust" all over people. That shit doesn't go away. And it spreads. There's a reason it's called the herpes of the craft world. Take your shiny and play by yourself somewhere far far away. You could call this a public service announcement too, I suppose. 
Here's a funny "naked people" pic for the hell of it.

The Wedding of Heaven and Earth - Litha 2011

 Technically it's June 21st, 2011, but it doesn't quite feel like "today" yet as I have yet to go to bed. When the mood strikes, I have to write. Even if I don't quite know what to write about. That led to some Facebook polling and then to some browsing on Google on the summer solstice (northern hemisphere) which hits at roughly 1:16 pm in one of the timezones... yeah, I researched that little fact out extensively, I know. Either way, it's today, people. 
The raging trend that I found while using the web to start the juices going was blog posts about the sun and all things sunny and summer-ish. That's cool. It's a bit copy-paste. Seriously, the majority of the articles I found weren't anything more than the same text as every other site out there. Somebody, and/or a bunch of somebodies, found a wikipedia entry and decided that it was their "original" work. For shame. Underneath the bullshit I found a few gems. The ones that really grabbed my attention were pages talking about the balance of the earth, the sun and the moon's relationship, and the Celtic belief that the summer solstice was the marriage of Heaven and Earth. How I've missed that all these years, I don't know. 

This quote on a blog/journal/site titled song-of-songs.net sparked some thinking.

Man as an organism is to the world outside like a whirlpool is to a river: man and world are a single natural process, but we are behaving as if we were invaders and plunderers in foreign territory. For when the individual is defined and felt as the separate personality or ego, he remains unaware that his actual body is a dancing pattern of energy that simply does not happen by itself. It happens only in concert with myriads of other patterns---called animals, plants, insects, bacteria, minerals, liquids, and gases. The definition of a person and the normal feeling of "I" do not effectively include these relationships. You say, "I came into this world." You didn't; you came out of it, as a branch from a tree."---Alan Watts,Does It Matter © 1968, 1969, 1970, p.23

The more I looked into themes, keywords and elements from that quote, the more inspired and overloaded with information I became. And the more I realized how many things linked to each other. My favorite find is the theme of mankind being the link/tree/bridge between Heaven and Earth and how, as "trees" we are simultaneously linked in community with one another.


This is reflected and represented in the Norse rune "Mannaz". It is the rune of humanity and speaks to our human experience. The energy of this rune screams of the significance humanity as part of a network found in this universe. All things in some form run into and out of this humanity and are either transformed or do the transforming, based on our individual and collective will. So much power, such a little vessel. 


On this day, the sun is at its peak in the northern hemisphere, and, for a moment, seems to stand still. At this point, the ancient Celts believed that a great marriage took place in that split second between the sun and his consort, the moon. They saw a great dance reach its climax point- the sun exerted all his glory and power at its height and then moved to let his lady begin to build up to her great moment, the winter solstice and Yule, six months (roughly) later. At this point, it would seem that we, humans, stand as the link between the sun, the earth and the moon, witnessing the dance, the marriage, the shift. One could even drop into a reality where we enable, create, allow this event to happen. Our ancestors thought so. 

Solstice activites were all centered around enhancing the power of the sun through bonfires, dancing, bright colors, joyous festivities and laughter. The belief was that the seasons would not change if we did not help them along. Maybe that is more accurate than popular thought today would have us believe. If in fact we do create our reality, then it is within our best interest to continue the wheel of the year. Perhaps this is so automatic for us now we are not even conscious of it working deep inside our collective mind, manifesting this constantly changing world around us. Cool to think about. 

My thoughts today are going to orbit this idea and its connection with the rune Mannaz and how my part of this tree, or my own tree within this network/forest, can engage and participate in this astrological event. Who knows, magick done in that "between time" might have a little more kick to it with this knowledge as power behind it. 

Cool Links
Checkout this page at Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom. She has some cool correspondences for Litha/Summer Solstice energies if you need some ideas for marking this occasion. 

Something's Gotta Stop the Flow

Jacob: You know the downward spiral is essentially a chain reaction.

Allel: And nothing that comes out of your mouth makes any sense.
Jacob: They're all reactions! One thing begets the next. A man has a weakness, he's flawed. That flaw leads him to guilt. The guilt leads him to shame. The shame he compensates with pride and vanity. And when pride fails, despair takes over and they all lead to his destruction. It will become his fate... Something's gotta stop the flow.

That dialog is from the movie "Ink", a story about a lost soul who tries to enter the ranks of the succubi by sacrificing the soul of a little girl, dodging her guardians, the Storytellers, and their Pathfinder, Jacob. A friend mentioned how incredibly cool the part of the movie where Jacob taps into the rhythm of the world around him (and then alters it by throwing off the rhythm) was and it's had me thinking ever since.

My favorite theory on the 2012 frenzy is that as the stars, sun, earth and then our cells all adjust to mirror the rythm set in motion by the stars, first, and then followed by the rest of this reality as we know it until these vibrations eventually adjust our thinking, evolution and outlook on the world. I think when 2012 hits we will barely notice it unless we are aware and watching for the shift in rhythm. When that happens, and it is a gradual thing really, I think the results will be amazing. The last few times this rhythm has hit a major number in the Fibonacci series, we've had a worldwide renaissance. What will this next renaissance entail? I have a lot of ideas, now I'm just going to have to wait and see.

Can we change what happens? If we do something now to "stop the flow" can we cause a massive shift to occur in alignment with what we will to happen? Things are fucked up right now, but the wheel always keeps on turning. Maybe our focus needs to be on tapping this rhythm so we can change the flow. My friend is already thinking this way and now has me obsessed with the idea. This needs more pondering and plotting.

Waiting Tables

Serving, the job description, has it's own culture. Wow! I guess I always naively thought that movies like "Waiting" (2005) were totally made up and for comedic value only. Turns out I was terribly wrong. And I've only just brushed the stainless steel surface of the industry in the last two weeks.

People have a different attitude. In many ways they either polarize on the side of crazy unnecessary drama or they're amazingly laid back. They come in all shapes and sizes. There are the crazy gossip chains, the rumors, people sleeping around with other co-workers, death threats (joking only... well, sometimes) muttered under the breath over the table of demanding "guests", people having a mental meltdown (ha ha, that was me), and a plethora of inside jokes. It's amazing. More so than any other job I've had, this new one takes the cake for it's crazy little secrets and quirks. The closest I've ever come to it is the coffee culture that comes with being a barista at any number of different coffee shops out there. Another world altogether, but one that's much easier to access if you're a regular.

When it comes to the restaurant business there really are two sides. The customer on one, the staff on the other. What a customer sees is usually nothing close to what's actually happening. And what a server sees is totally different. It's like a massive collision of two different perspectives in an age-old setting. And it works! For example, when you're the customer, you see the hospitality side of things, the good front, the cheery face, the mom/highschool student/college kid/two-job worker who's there to make sure that you get to eat and eat well and in a timely manner. Your whole experience is what you're getting out of it and how many stars to give it. On the flip side, as a server, you have a different outlook. You're the totally normal (or hey, maybe you are the odd child and you know it) yet totally unique and individual team member who's working to make sure you get as much out of the table as you can. Those tips are vital, a good review, key. You're also completely in it for what you can get out of it, but for different reasons. You're far from the model employee with the generic smile and scripted presentation. You're fiesty, chill, angry, stressed, overjoyed, hyper and any other crazy emotion out there. You have your bitch session around the corner, catch up on your co-worker's life, grab a quick smoke between tables. It's far more involved than I realized. It's fast paced (most of the time) and totally kicks your ass.

Now I know that every job has it's own "thing", but serving is a much different world in it's layout and presentation than I gave it credit for. Movies like "Waiting" now make a lot more sense.

And that's all I have to say for now. Lol

A Question About Subculture

Or at least that's the title I could settle on for this post.

The last couple days I've been listening to George Michael. I don't know what it is about his music but it always takes me back to nights at JR's, the local gay bar hotspot (one of them), and all the fun I have when I'm there. The atmosphere is friendly, the drinks are good and always heavy if you treat your bartenders right and show face on a regular basis, and the music is a constant blend of anything modern back to the 80's.

JR's was the first "gay" place I was taken to by a buddy of mine. I'd only been out of the closet for around 5-6 months and he was determined to get me indoctrinated and laid. Thank goodness. My first reaction to the hopping little joint was awe. I'd been in bars off and on since turning 21 a few months prior, but they were mostly cowboy bars and those places definitely had a different feel to them back then. This place was friendly, lively, filled with guys kissing guys, girls holding girl's hands, all the music that threatened to ignite a holy gay fire in your heart, and shirtless bartenders. Paradise is a gross understatement. But what really got me was the realization that I could be every ounce the gay man that I was and I would get nothing but cheers and encouragement from the people around me. I don't know that anything like that really exists for my friends who are straight. Maybe.

This brought up a question in my mind. Are we as human beings driven to find our own kind in the different "subcultures" that exist under and outside of the over-culture that runs the world today? Is this how we find our diversity and yet maintain a security found in people who are "just like us"?

While many people strive to be "normal" no-one that I know of would really want to truly be normal. To be so would be to cease striving against the norm and would result in a total lack of life or drive. Essentially, life would stop and whether the physical body followed suit or not that person would die inside. Some people achieve some level of this, but most of them eventually snap out of it again. The human doesn't want to die.

My post tonight is short, but hopefully thought-provoking.

Banned Zen Sayings

Found this tonight in an old box of tarot cards. These were bits of wisdom I found and held onto when I moved here to CO. They were promptly pulled from where I displayed them in my room while living with my grandparents and tossed into a trash bin. The paper still has the stains on it. Hanging onto this piece of paper has only refreshed old anger, so I'm burning it. However, the sayings on it are valuable to me and I think should be preserved.

- No matter what people say about you, know who you are. Their blame can't injure you, nor can their praise elevate you. You are what you are; nothing anyone can say can change that.

-Perfection isn't found in everything going right, but rather in accepting the beauty of what's happening moment to moment.

- The river flows, the mountain remains motionless. The river can't remain still, nor can the mountain flow. Is one right or wrong? Our dharma (duty) is to do what's ours to do, not to be like others.

- Become aware. It's a good practice to watch life as you would a movie. Be completely involved with it while it's happening, and then leave it behind when it's done. This is the way of detachment.

In Honour of the Male

I went to the woods to find my beloved,
My hair unbound,unbound my very being if not in love for him.
I went to the woods to find my beloved,
But my beloved was not there.
I called in the valley, but he did not answer,
I cried in our grove, but he did not come.
The mountain wolves found me, they hunted me for their prey.
The wolves chased me back to my home.

I charge you, oh brothers and sisters of my tribe,
If you find my beloved, tell him that I am heartsick and beaten.
What is thy beloved more than another beloved?
What is thy beloved more than another beloved that thou doest charge us?

Oh, my beloved is beautiful!
The raging stormy sea for his eyes,
Swimming with green Mother of Pearl,
Framed with thundercloud lashes,
Carrying in aside the threat of Winter's devastation the promise of Summer.
Dark chestnut bark for his hair,
Decked with crimson morning hue,
Bristled as the mighty boar's back,
Soft as the selkie's coat,
An Autumn forest in evening light,
The eclipsed moon rising.
His movement like the young stag,
Gliding and sliding through the forest,
Striding across the heath,
But gentle, oh so gentle, his touch,
Late summer's gossamer on my skin,
Holding fast as the roots of the might oak.
His presence a shining light,
The soft moon's glow on his skin.
Fragrant his embrace like Spring flowers.
His voice a calling bell resonating deep within me.
A seidh-spawn of an earthly norris,
Fairest among men.
This is my friend,
This is my beloved,
Oh brothers and sisters of my tribe.


- Daniel MacKenzie

To the best of my ability, I copied this from the Druidcast podcast to share in text form here. If you want to hear Daniel recite it, check out Episode 39 of the Druidcast podcast.

It's My Freaking Will To...

-See.

-Love.

-Grow.

-Laugh.

-Create.

-Be god.

-Be strong.

-Be inspired.

-Understand.

-Know myself.

-Institute order.

-Be prosperous.

-Post crazy blogs.

-Be unconcerned.

-Have abundant joy.

-Be deserving of lust.

-Be abundantly happy.

-Be deserving of respect.

-Know uncommon things.

-Be surrounded by friends.

-Have more money than I need.

-Have the balls to say "Fuck you."

-Inspire others to empower themselves.

-Be unconcerned with the opinions of everyone else.

-Smile at things that nobody would smile at.

-Be deserving of great knowledge.

-Dance at the edge of all that is.

-Make shit up and laugh at it.

-Reinforce my own worth.

-Connect with the world.

-Keep my own counsel.

-Be deserving of love.

-Be mentally sound.

-Be wholly myself.

-Live in freedom.

-Speak honestly.

-Rule my world.

-Communicate.

-Be powerful.

-Make chaos.

-Be fearless.

-Destroy.

-Inspire.

-Desire.

-Teach.

-Make all this and more happen through practice, discipline and clear thinking.

And thus ends my brain spillage for the evening.

Pens and Paper and Stories

There's a book where your story was written and and read, where your name was woven in with others and loved, where simple embelishment was commonplace. But on a morning wind, cold and angry, the fate that was written was shattered by your hand and the love that wove itself in and around your name recoiled at the action. It was after that you saw that it was not freely given and a fight against a destiny meant a rewrite of the script. Now your name is no longer written, and the ties that were are discarded in haste. As time moves forward, the hand moves backwards and your name becomes an ink spot or coffee stain. From time to time, other pens touch the page with your name but it never goes further than a sentence or two. Lost in jumble of a history of a different course, your only option is to open another book, white pages pure and untouched, and begin to carefully give the name a new home. Only after starting a line or two do you realize that there are smudges on your page. And as you look at the ink, dark and different, swirling in the patterns of your own handprint, you feel a bittersweet comfort knowing that a bit of the book that spawned your name has found its way into a new history. Maybe in time the stains on your hand will fade and each day will start truly fresh and free.

The Gods- Musings and Ramblings

K, so this is gonna be one of those deep thinking posts. But hey, with as much as I am not-committing-in-order-to-trick-myself-into-keeping-this-up-and-in-reality-committing to posting every day, there will be some shallow posts from time to time so it never gets too deep.

It's been on my mind quite a bit and sparked a great convo with my roommate on the nature of these things/beings/ideas that we call gods. There are many names for them and even more perspectives on what they are. A friend recently asked me how I see the divinity as a witch, whether it was as one divine source of all things, a dual aspect idea of male/female and light/dark, as many separate beings each with their own reality, or something else, to which I replied (in a nutshell) "yes". I see it as all of those.

Every religion with it's own link to the divine has boxed in how the god/dess/s can manifest in their reality. Sometimes they even go so far as to not box it in which usually results in a bigger box. Categorization. We need it to comprehend. We also sometimes try to move beyond boxed thinking and it can be tricky. Really hard to put to words. But we will always manage to wrap some sort of form around it in order to allow it the place in our lives that need it.

My own thinking trends towards models that I have built from my own experience of God. I choose to cling very loosely to belief and go with what I know. I know that I have experienced connection to a source concept of God. My whole being is one with that source. Quantum theory supports this. Everything is matter and energy, and matter is just energy condensed in a way. The logic follows that everything is energy and we are all a part of each other. We come from God and God comes from us. Inseparable. I also have experienced light and dark, good and bad, yin and yang, and know that these are just dual faces of God and yet separate entities at the same time. Dual and unified. Very recently I have worked specifically with gods of form and function. Pan, Hades, and Cerridwen. Aspects and archetypes of human experience and a few of the facets of divinity. Yet they are each other and all the same thing. And finally, I have experienced my own god soul. It's that part of me that is divine, closely connected with divinity and divinity in me. A bright flame of godhood that burns in the vessel of my body. Without it I am incomplete. To unite fully with it is to be whole, fully self possessed.

These are my gods. They manifest in many ways and not always in ways I expect. They are allies, friends, teachers and extensions. With them I am co-creating the world I exist in. With their requested assistance I make powerful magick. From them I gain knowledge and understanding. They are essential for my experience of other realms of existence and I am essential to their experience of this physical reality.

Yesterday I talked about falling in love with the world. In many creation myths and particularly the Feri version the goddess creates the world out of an act of love. If then I truly fall in love with the world, what amazing things will we create together?

I am going to find out.

In Praise of Kala

Recent events in my everyday life have prompted the use of and appreciation of Kala. Kala is a state of being where one is free and unrestricted by the turmoil that is derived of inner and outer influences. "Making Kala" is a ritual most often found in Feri traditions and one that my own tradition makes use of. Here is an exerpt from FeriTradition.org that gives a little better explanation-

"The Kala rite is arguably one of the most important pieces of Feri tradition practice. From the Hawaiian word meaning “to loosen, untie, or absolve” this simple ritual provides us with an opportunity to transform negative energies and blockages within ourselves, as well as to reclaim the power that these blocks have “tied up” within our energy bodies."

-The Kala Rite

A Feri Ritual of Purification

Yesterday I had an interview with a company looking to open a new store in Littleton, CO where I live. Prior to driving out to the place where I would be meeting the Employee Relations rep I sat in my daily practice of breathing and meditation and followed it up with the Kala ritual. Now, I don't do this as regularly as I should, which is a mystery even to me, but every time I do I remember just how amazing it feels to release yourself from the limitations and stress that we all inflict on ourselves. It's literally a feeling of becoming lighter. The phrase "walking on sunshine" comes to mind. K, I feel cheesy now.

Following that, I took off for the interview and mentally prepped myself for the questions I knew they'd be asking. In the past, when I've done this pre-interview run through I always end up getting my nerves going. Funny, it didn't happen this time. When I arrived at the store, I was asked to wait for a few minutes as I was about ten minutes early. While standing there I found myself chatting away to two of the employees as easily as if I'd been hanging around all day. Kinda odd for me, the introverted Gemini.

After meeting the rep and store manager and beginning the interview I noticed that the entire 45 minute interview went smoothly and was completely in my control. The conversation went where I wanted it to and I was able to highlight various aspects of myself and my work history that I knew would help them understand what I was bringing to the table. The entire thing was a totally new experience for me. Never have I connected right off the bat with two people who were scrutinizing my job life over the last few years. I credit this with being kala.

The results of the interview were standard (we love what we see however we do need to finalize blah blah and will be calling everyone next Tuesday) except for the offer of the full-time key holder/supervisor position. I was a little surprised, but told them that yes, I was very interested in that position and would prefer it. Handshakehandshakesonicetomeetyouthankyouforcomingin, and I was done. What a breeze.

This experience has shown me just how much staying kala reflects back to us in everyday situations. Had I not been so present for that interview, hell, for that hour, I might not have made the impression that I did or gotten the attention that was needed to set off a flag with my name on it over the full-time position. The inner skeptic in me wants to dissect the whole thing and play devil's advocate, and it will for a while, but the experience itself has been enough to change my thinking on this ritual. What might have seemed unneeded or blah before has now shown me just how useful to daily living it is. And that is why this post is titled "In Praise of Kala."

Here's a few sites if you want more info on being kala-

Lillith's Lantern

The Witches' Voice: Adult Pagan Essay Series

PonderEthereal

And, as Shen-tat likes to say, stay kala, my friends!

Beltania 2009

I'm back, all! The last two weeks have been a bit of a blur. Final preparations for Beltania, getting things in order, and riding the creative wave that carried all the way through this past weekend. 

My first foray into paper mache went over really well. As part of my coven's participation in Beltania, a local Colorado pagan festival, we performed a ritual for the full moon in Scorpio utilizing the energies of the Egyptian god Osiris and goddess Hathor. In order to expand the ritual drama we would be enacting, full costumes needed to be crafted. So my project was to create the white crown of Upper Egypt, the horned headpiece of Hathor, and the shen, a tool of the gods that was symbolic of eternity and grants protection, that Hathor would carry and use to grant eternity and protection to the participants of the ritual and later to raise the dead god to life. Each of these pieces came out beautifully and so much better than I really had expected they would. Yeah, there was definitely blood, sweat, and almost tears that went into it, but it was so worth it. I spent 40+ hours on it, granted at a moderate pace. 

The festival had so many amazing things about it. Friday started off in true Mercury retrograde but ended up with us getting to the festival on time and all set to perform our full moon ritual with the lovely Wendy Rule! It went off beautifully with many of the participants really finding meaning in it and connecting with Hathor and Osiris. It was really amazing to see. Afterwards, we partied! Much needed after all the hard work that everyone put into the ritual preparations. The post ritual celebration also opened up to some really great conversations with other pagans at the festival and drinks all around. This was one of my favorite parts to the weekend. 

The all-night drumming circle was another highlight. At midnight, the witching hour, a bonfire was lit in the Wild Meadows and drummers setup and started their rhythmic beating. People immediately flocked to the circle and began dancing. It was an awesome sight. Fire dancers moved around the outside of the ring of light creating mesmerizing displays of whirling energy and pagans danced. Danced just like they did around the Beltane fires a thousand years ago. And all the time the flicker of the bonfire lit up the drummers as they beat the drums and chanted songs to the goddess and the earth. It felt like a living rendition of the Beltane fire celebrations in Marion Zimmer Bradley's book The Mists of Avalon. I stayed through the frenzied fire dancing, the call and respond of the peacocks, and the quiet meditation as the dawn started to show in the east. 

Saturday started off with a massive hangover and only four hours of sleep. My plans for attending the workshops that morning really went to shit. After breakfast and some quiet relaxing with fellow camping buddies and coven members I headed to Merchant Row to check out what was being peddled on the green. I found more cool stuff than I could believe. Masks, drums, staffs, wands, statues, books, cloaks of all kinds. It was inspiring. I now want to do every kind of craft out there. Just what I need. Lol. Then came the may pole ritual! It was fun and crazy. Joy from Living Earth did a beautiful job conducting the ritual with her partner who's name I can't remember to save my life. It was great though. Our own Shen-tat even participated in the ritual as the holder of the Northern energies during the weaving of the ribbons. So many people got to participate and it ended up being a lot of fun. 

Come seven o'clock, we were treated to the Australian witch and pagan folklore singer Wendy Rule. It's really hard to relate just how awesome her singing is. Listening to her on CD is just not the same. Her concert began with the circle casting and calling of the elements and ended with a devocation of the elements and a downpour of rain. Magick would not keep it at bay any longer. But that's what you get when you camp. It ended up being a good excuse to huddle in the Taj Mahal at camp and drink some more and relate funny stories. Mention of a book of ghost stories came up and went down on the lists as part of our luggage for Dragonfest. Then it was off to a very cold evening in the tent and another short night. 

Everything really wrapped up on Sunday with more people thanking and complementing the coven on Friday's ritual and the costumery which really helped my ego to get nice and fat. It was such a beautiful morning held all kinds of interactions with the pagans hanging out and waiting to leave camp. After a few goodbyes we packed up our campsite and got ourselves onto the road to head back to Denver. 

Coming back from that mini vacation really was hard to do. My mind and spirit really wanted to stay there and revel in the openness and community that I felt while I was there. It was healing for me and something I will now get to look forward to every year. But all good things must come to an end. What is important is what I take home from that experience and how I choose to improve my life with it. Strength is the quality that has come to my mind each time I ask myself what I have come back with. Strength of being, strength of character, knowing that we are alive and strong in the world and that we can do whatever we set our minds to.