On The Mind at Midnight

Two things- Cleaning my shit up and fixing my style problem. Two topics intensely on my mind. But let's tackle the latter first.

It occured to me this week that maybe my place in gay culture was not so fixed socially as I had once thought. By that statement I mean that I have re-evaluated my persona and found that I am lacking in the style department where once I was up on all the newest styles and trends, much of that to my parent's rage. The never ceasing drive to stay up on the young adult looks was, in my parent's book, "worldly" and "sinful" because of its fixation on things "not of heaven." Bull shit. Or maybe that's what people should have told me when my style consciousness went to hell.

I honestly have no drive to wear outfits that make sense even on a practical level. I wear orange, very out of style for winter, and kahkis to work without batting an eye. I get up and put on whatever I can find. And here I used to be all against the "western fashion disaster" and its hold on wyoming. I'm a fuckin' contributor!

Where did this start? I have no idea. Maybe when I moved out of my parent's house. My life became a drawn out mess and center for disorder that maybe I lost it in all the chaos. I remember the laziness hitting while I lived in the attic of my friend's house and the beginning of my relaxed attitude. But I still had "it" even there. I remember occasions where I showed up in true college/preppy style and wowed the small masses. Maybe it started when I got wrapped up in the drama that was my job at Synergy Cafe. It seemed that as long as I showed up I was okay since the quality of dress there was quite a bit more relaxed than at Starbucks, which was my previous job. Somewhere in the last year I hit a low spot and I have not recovered myself in that area.

Some of this was startled awake by a crazily put comment by a style-less but funny transexual gay man at my church. Her excellent comments on my friends' outfits (I don't know that I agree with him even there, sorry babe) were delivered with smooth aplomb amidst our rush to collect our morning coffee in the social area. She stopped when her eyes hit me and as she leaned back to take in the full view of my disaster, she asked smartly what I was thinking. I was a bit taken back, having always been complemented, but also because the dame's own appearance was tragic from an alltogether practical point of view. Black jeans, shoes and a similar t-shirt with white lettering spelling out some sarcasm made up his look. It was definitely not the show-stopping garb of a mall display. It made sense only from a comfortable position. Mine at least matched in the color department. Never the less, the splash of cold water made me think about rectifying the damage before it became semi-permanent.

So tonight, as I sit here awake and thinking over the next half of this entry, pages of style tips and gay advice sit waiting for my attention, available to help with my problem. This will be something I will have to fix soon. But not soon enough. I am not in a position to buy anything to push me towards my goal of a style-soaked wardrobe. Money matters complicate things and may do their job of keeping me from some of the more upscale social circles of the younger gay population of Denver. I'm on the road to recovery, and that is the part that is important.

We come to the matter of my shit. My personal stuff. I have had it all in random boxes for at least the last two moves. The last time it was all repacked was when my "friends" packed it up to move it out of my appartment to accomadate my "friends" parents, an arrangement that I didn't know the whole story on until it was all on me. Past history. I'm too impatient and tired to care if you know about that yet or not. But it was a haphazard job, full of snooping and criticizing me for my spiritual beliefs and my opinions which were read out of my diary. God, that still pisses me off to think about. I'm done. I'm supposed to be in bed. I don't need to rouse my karma. Karma aside, my shit is getting repacked and I'm throwing out stuff I can't believe I didn't get rid of sooner. Softwar for Windows? What the fuck?


And... We're Out

I have finally set dates. What dates, you ask? The dates for my vacation and my departure of my hometown of Cheyenne. I struggled for a while with putting anything hardcore to commitment because I had so many uncertainties floating up around my head, and while a few still remain, I have a goal that I am going to accomplish by February 3rd and I'm gonna do everything necessary to move toward that deadline. I admit that the world could change and everything could flip a bitch on me, but unless the apocalypse happens, I'm gone. Outta here, baby.

I've been wanting to do this for a year and haven't gotten serious about it until here recently (like the last two or three months) and now that it's finally happening, there is very little hesitation. I am ready for this mentally and emotionally, hell, even physically. I've felt like life just wasn't taking me any closer to a life I wanted or dreamed of. I started on that dream, and it crashed. A lot of things have crashed in the last three years. Friendships, relationships, jobs, dreams, old habits, negative patterns, etc. I've changed so much in the last two years I think it probably took all the change and frustration to mold me into the person I needed to be for me in order to have the balls to do something big like this. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we've got balls and they ain't goin' nowhere soon!

My biggest challenges to tackle immediately are my housing situation, hopefully soon to be remedied, I have a few leads, and my mental clarity going into this. I must admit, right here, that I'm not fully addressing the situation head on. It's like it is the sun and I'm floating towards it glancing down and away trying to discover everything about it by studying it out of nothing more than the corner of my eye. It's crazy, I guess I never really look anything squarely until it's right there in front of me. Probably not the best way to handle life. But I've learned a lot so far. That counts, right?

So if you see me between now and then, know it's probably the last time you'll see me for a while and wish me luck. I'm young and stupid and going for the throat, so the world had best be ready! I may not change a thing, but I'll be forever changed. Alchemy at its best! Enough with the metaphors, god damn it!


New Year (07) Part 2

These last five resolutions are a bit more speculative. You will see why I say that when I explain my thoughts on each one. I see myself relating to the first five more closely because of their semi-integration into my life already. We'll see in the coming year whether these last few make my itinerary.

Come Out to Yourself. I realize that a year ago this would have been an excellent resolution for me as the doubt clouding my mind then could have easily been cleared up by just recognizing my "problem" and dealing with it. Inner demons is another term that could be used to loosely describe my fight with gayness over the past nine years. But thanks to an insightful and caring friend who had the gaydar to beat all, I am now a fully out gay man. And it feels good, damn good.

After that came Shed Bad Influences. Now, because it was an article aimed at the resolute gay man, it focused on safer sex practices and drug use. These are common problems in the gay community, especially with the rise of new advances in HIV medication that increase the length of an infected person's life. But something else we could throw into the mix would be friends who's downward spiral in life has begun to affect you. I've seen friends I come in contact with at points in my life hit walls in their life, usually self-inflicted, and stop, not seeking out their dreams, not working to rise to the next level physically, socially, spiritually, or mentally. It's something I have recognized and work to stop in my life. I've seen myself fall into ruts and the degradation is not pretty. So, my effort to shed these influences will mean I will re-evaluate my friends and their affect on me and take appropriate action to control the time I spend with them.

Next was one that I desperately want to make a high priority, especially with my move to health-conscious Denver, CO and my arrival on the gay scene there. Actually Workout at the Gym. Every gay man has some desire to look his best, to draw and attract those hot young men with equally hot bodies into some form of relationship whether it be just a casual friendship or all the way to the intimate lover. Surrounding yourself with physically beautiful people is a definite boost to any person's self-confidence. Surrounding yourself with people who's beauty comes from the inside is much more important, but kind of off topic for this paragraph.

Volunteering was one I have never done before. To be truthful, I'm not particularly attracted to it and I'm not sure why. It's something I see as being excellent for me but something I definitely have a block on. This year may be the year I decide to change that.

Stop Smoking, god, what a vice. And not for reasons of addiction. I just find the whole idea of it attractive in a social/conversation way. I realize that is not the best way to explain that. I understand the harmful effects of smoking and the unattractive side of it. It's the appeal that it carries for me as a rebellion statement. Rebellion against what society would have me do and rebellion against the restrictions put on me by my parents. Thus far my positive approach to not becoming addicted has worked. I believe the addiction is mostly in the mind, and as long as I refuse the idea of being addicted, my body takes care of me and puts no dependence on the cigarettes. It's a dirty habit. I know. But I am a free human being, capable of deciding for myself what is good, bad, and acceptable. When the appeal lessens, I'll stop.

That wraps up my thoughts on the new year and gives you insight into my mind and the courses I will probably take this year. There are a few smaller things that I want to get into. Hip hop dancing, art school, a boyfriend, bartending are just a few. But they fall into a different category.


New Year (07)

Well, I'm back. Looks like I took the summer... and the first half of the school year, off too. Wow. I'm seriously terrible at journaling. Well, due to an article I read at gaylife.about.com, I have decided to make blogging part of my new year's resolutions. Or journaling. I blog once in a while on my myspace page, but not enough. I'll do my best to take more time writing down thoughts I've had during the day. This will hopefully keep my stress levels down (you know they say journaling does that... nifty) and my mind back in balance. I'm gonna need it.

I have just twenty-five minutes to finish this blog before I move into the second day of the new year. I would like to do my best to keep this blog-a-day thing legit starting with the first day of the year. Might seem kinda petty, but it isn't. Not to me anyway. In order to move this topic along, I'm going to talk about the article I found and the resolutions it mentioned and my own action towards resetting some of my life's goals and desires for the next year. I'm not 100% sold on resolutions, they never worked for me, but I've had some things brought to the surface and I want to address them now. So we start.

First on the list was Journaling/Blogging. You see my trend here. I'm thinking it's a good idea as I already explained and I'm moving forward with it. Go me.

Second was No More Drama. I can't agree more! I have a big desire to live drama free, or at least close to it and this year will be no exception. I have enough drama I don't want in my life with my parents, I don't need it from boyfriends or work associates.

Third, Help a Needy Heterosexual. Ha ha ha! I love this one. I end up doing this at one time or another and as it stands I have a buddy at work who, although he is fairly homophobic still, has started to let his guard down and has come to me for advice on different occasions. I'm so flattered, I won't lie. Granted, I do wish he'd view me on a similar level to him, but it's not the end of my world. I can't live my life wanting people to except me when people, by majority, don't typically do that. We're making progress though.

After that was Fight for Gay Rights. They have my support on that one, baby. I began to take notice recently of the civil rights issues that have plagued us for a while now. It's an area I'm not great in, but one I aim to be better at. I am an American and I have the right to vote. So from here on I am going to take a bigger part in my country's politics. Ha ha, go me again.

Get Tested, that one was the fifth. I can't say much in this area since I have never been with anyone and am not sexually active. However, soon as that dreary area of my life changes, I will be getting tested, if nothing else just to do it.

Because I have a desire to finish this without rushing, I'm going to cut it off halfway here. I'll continue with the rest tomorrow, even if it's just the next side of twelve. This seems like a poor way to end this, much like a cut-off, but I will dress it up with a...

To Be Continued...

(Aren't I cool)

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