Doing the Math = I'm Screwed

Allright. So I was sitting with some friends the other night and just doing some basic math in my head when I happened on this startling revelation of doom. It wasn't good.


The population of the United States is 305,888,000 as of 2008. Now my dating pool is within the six to ten percent statistically proven to be made up of gays and lesbians. Assuming we work with the generous amount of 10% we are now down to a pool of 30,588,800 people. Still good numbers, right? Well then you have to factor in that roughly half of that number are lesbians. I can't date lesbians. So now we are down to 15,299,400. They keep going down.

Keeping it simple, we decide to half it again to weed out those gay guys that are flamboyant or "queens." No offense meant, they just aren't my type and probably never will be. Now we have 7,647,200 masculine gay guys that would fall under my radar and would be dating material.

Now obviously, there are going to be some hazards one will have to watch out for in this shrinking pool. STD's are but one. Guys still in the closet are yet another. I could get detailed, but I don't have the time. Roughly half again if we are generous. Saying that we just lumped these all together, we would have another half taken away. Our number is now down to 3,823,600. Still looks like a big number?

Disease and identity issues aside, there is the problem of compatability. I'm obviously not going to get along with every guy in the above pool. There are 12 zodiac signs for a reason. Twelve major personality groups and not all of them work well together. We'll half it again in keeping with the trend. Total is 1,911,300. Gloomy.

Let's put it into perspective. With these numbers, our ratio ends up being that for every 120 people out there that I may meet, bump into, converse with, or pass on the street only one of them will be gay, available, and compatible. Like finding a needle in a haystack.

Doom and gloom seem to be in the forcast for today.

Mercury

Your result for What Planet are You From? Test...

You are from Mercury!

20% Mercury

You, my friend, are a Mercurian!

Mercury is the planet that is closest to the sun. It is the smallest planet in our solar system and it does not have rings. Because it is so close to the sun and it’s small size it’s not easy to get a view from the planet from Earth without a telescope. What’s funny is that as close as the planet is to the sun there is still ice on the planet. The craters on the planet never see the light of the sun.

Mercury is named after the Roman god known as the “Messenger.” Evidently he was busy flitting around with wings on his heels going around and talking to everyone. It was said that he could bring abundance and success, so evidently he was a guy worth listening to.

What does this mean about you?

Well, Mercurians are a very independent type. They are set in their ways and very cool. There isn’t much that can change your mind. Some people may think you are a bit egotistical, but you were born charming and are an effective communicator. You know how to react to things calmly and express yourself well. More than likely you have a very good sense for business.

You like sex and you have a very strong stamina. Because you are so cool, though, your partner may think you don’t care about them, but you do. You just don’t like getting all gushy. You can enjoy many loves in your life. You are probably also one that isn’t suited for just staying home and taking care of the hearth. You just aren’t set up for the usual marriage thing. It doesn’t give you enough freedom.

So, be free Mercurian! Not that you’ll do what I say anyway!

Take What Planet are You From? Test at HelloQuizzy

Seven Things I Love

Yay! I got tagged! My Adopted Mom, AM for short, tagged me in this entry of hers. So here it is.
Seven Things I Love

1. Family, or Framily. One cannot make it through life without someone to call family. I have been lucky enough to have been raised by a very loving family who, though they don't talk to me much at the moment, definitely love me and care about what happens to me. I also have my adopted family who have been the best thing for me in the last three years. And lastly, there is "framily" or friends who become like family to us and stick with us no matter where life takes us. I thankfully have picked up a few more additions I consider "framily" from all the different places I have been.

2. The Earth. We needed to find a grounding point from day to day when life decides to go nuts on us and the Earth is always there for us to give us that stability. The huge abundance of Mother Earth and her instinctual care for the beings that co-exist on her surface are things we all can be thankful for. A solid footing is worth so much. That thankfulness should inspire us to care for the one who gave us life.

3. Music. With so many different ways of expressing yourself through music we are able to communicate with those around us in one more creative, wonderful way that is limited only by our imagination, or lack of it. Lol. Music can be tacked onto so many of our individual experiences and offers ways of recalling specific moments in time bringing with them those emotions that fuel life.

4. Art. Another form of expression that lets us communicate how we view the world around us, what emotions and feelings arise from our daily interactions, and what hopes and fears we hide inside.

5. Sex. You knew this one was coming! Where would we be without that crazy rise in body temperature, the sweat beading on our skin, the rush of adrenaline that comes when we get ready to screw like crazy with another person! Sex is one of those pleasures that makes life spicy and fun. For some it's something they can't get enough of, and for others it is an activity they crave on a somewhat regular basis. Sex makes the world go 'round! It lets you know you're alive! Some of us "outgrow" it as we get older and some of us never really get over it. It is a freakin' awesome part of our genetic makeup.

6. Pizza and Beer. A match made in heaven. Kudos to whatever crazy Italian genius came up with the pizza pie. And we have a long history of people fermenting crap and loving the hell out of it, I think we have scored finally with the invention of beer. You can have it any way you like, but I'm partial to a nice cold one in a big frosty mug next to an extra large pepperoni, mushroom, extra cheesy pan pizza.

7. The Holidays. I'm probably just including this one because we are right in the middle of the holiday season, but I love this time of year. Excuses abound to get together with friends and family. The ridiculous, much-frowned upon consumerism kicks in and results in the maddening shopping frenzy (which I love for some reason) and dressed up shops. Usually you can find snow, falling leaves, or fireworks and "Aulde Lang Syne" happening somewhere. It's a worldwide good time.

And that wraps it up. There is hordes more that I am thankful for, but these usually top the list. Hopefully you enjoyed that little peek into my crazy messed up head. Cheers.

Things I've Done

Things I've Done (In Bold) stolen from Kitting in the Shadows

1. Started my own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than I can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyland/world
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sung a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched lightening at sea
14. Taught myself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown my own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitchhiked
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of my ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught myself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had my portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had my picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
100. Rode an elephant

I'm a sucker for these things. So I'll do them from time to time. I have no idea who actually reads my blog so you're automatically tagged if you read this! And you have to post a comment on this entry with a link to your Things I've Done entry.

Thanksgiving in New York

I'm all "a-buzz" over my trip to NY ext week. I've chattered on and on to friends, even wrote an email to my mom, and now I'm going to blog it! Wheeee!



So the "family" lives in upstate New York in the village of Clinton. It's right outside of the combined cities of Rome and Utica and I believe in the same vicinity of New Hartford, NY. Looking at the pictures in such a rush. The village has a small, homey look to it and I can only imagine what it looks like in the winter. New England winter. Hmmmm. I really should have Bev describe it all to you. She does an excellent job. If you want her opinion of it go to her blog entry.



The Great 24hr Road Trip of the Year begins Saturday morning early early. There will be many pictures and a rolling slide show of each state we pass through and any major landmarks we may pass. And you will have to endure some crazy face shots as well. They are bound to happen. The carriage is a gorgeous blue and we will be taking it in to get its motorized steed checked out tomorrow as well as get its oil looked at. Pillows will be packed and games will be stashed. Music cd's are being burned and good travel incantations are being muttered.



Once we have arrived, tired, sleep deprived, and totally bonkers, there will be some catching up and then much partying with the fam. If I get a spare minute to upload pictures and blog while I'm there, I will. Believe it. 'Til this trip commences I have another whole day of sitting around getting ready. Sigh.

Burnout- Maybe?

I came across this great article while I was doing my daily checking of favorite sites and keeping up with various friends. Brought something to mind I hadn't given a lot of thought to. The article talked about burnout, granted, from a spiritual standpoint, but there were many things that translated over into a daily mundane existence. What got me was this explanation of what burnout is by the author, Cerridwen Iris Shea-

"A person who is "burned out" has used up all resources and often suffers from depression, anxiety, short temper, lethargy, mood swings, loss or increase of appetite, loss of interest in sex, and inability to interact well with others."

And oddly eough I have been complaining about a low sex drive, the fact I slept 'til 6pm the other day after going to bed at midnight the evening before, depression, depression hitting from nowhere, axiety issues, etc.. Now I'm thinking my body has been trying to tell me something for the last few months.

Question now is how do I avoid this? The author advises routine "timeouts" to recharge and repair our batteries. Perhaps I neglected that? Problem is I don't recall when it all started or if I took the necessary time to reboot. As body-conscious as I try to be, this issue has "shame on you" scrawled all over it. How did I stop picking up on the little signals my body has been feeding me?

This entry ends with a lot of questions. Hopefully I'll have answers soon.

Oh, Devil, Where Art Thou?

Tonight my Tarot cards are screaming at me. I love it (semi-sarcastic there) when I lay out my cards looking for the answer to a question and the come back with a bitch slap. Makes my day. Actually, it usually freaks me out. Like tonight. A friend of mine would say that I am "hot" tonight. I guess that's the same thing.


The Devil, card XV, is aparently hanging out in my higher consciousness with a direct message to recognize my feelings of entrapment. This is different in its message from the Eight of Swords in that the "entrapment" is not something of my own creation but a product of my surroundings and current events.

While I understand my situation, I am hesitant to do anything about it out of a paranoia I have about majorly screwing up my life. I have yet to actually do that, though I'm of the opinion I've almost done it a few times. Mirroring that hesitation is the squirrelly little Page of Pentacles hanging about upside down in my physical issues area. God, so damn accurate. It's paired itself up with the the Five of Cups, a card that in most interpretations shows depression on a physical level. The effing Devil is sitting directly opposite it in my spread. Little fuckers. I hate/love it whe they are right.

So what to do? My outcome showed a progression into the stage of my life marked by stability of emotions and a maturity we all strive for. What a nice "Do it, you moron" message I am getting there. I got what I asked for. The brilliant array of new experiences that also showed in the reading are hard to ignore though I am always more prone to pass up change if at all possible. Why do that? 'Cus I'm a moron. My own belief that life is about constantly changing in order to progress towards a higher state of being seems very lacking at the moment. Call me a hypocrite. Just not to my face. My cards should take care of that for me. Bastards.


That bitter trend you see weaving its way in in reference to my little deck 'o Tarot is kind of an exageration. They have yet to really let me down, so I tend to trust them. I just hate being told things that have the potential to really screw around with my own morbid stability. Now I just have to ponder whether I will really take their advice and step off the cliff you see in the Fool's little picture and trust myself to the Fates.


I'm going to be up late tonight.

The Fool Has An Offer

Cards for this entry are the Tower and the Fool. Why these two cards? They tended to show up in any reading I had done, either myself or from a fellow reader, before the events of last Thursday. Anyone versed in the tarot will be thinking by now "oh, god, here comes the drama." And they would be right. The Tower represents sudden change, usually in a big way. It can be in your favor or not so much. In my case, not so much.

I'm going to apologize in advance for the bitter overtone I'm sure will seep through into this entry.

The Tower reflected in my life translated to losing my job working for DISH Network. Not quite what I had assumed the Tower would mean. I was up to transfer to a new shift in my department and took the card to mean that I would get that change I was looking for. It turns out that DISH needed to get rid of a few, and yes, I'm exaggerating, people in order to get things back down to where they were before the company over hired. So they fired everyone who making any kind of money in order to cut down on payout and still keep their staff. Friend of mine who'd been with the company for four years was terminated with no write ups, no consultations, and barely an explanation. There are a few good opportunities here for some legal action benefiting myself and the rest of the former employees that I plan on researching fully and going through with if all looks good. In the meantime, I am sitting around praying to the gods for a massive crater to open up under that pile of crap and suck it all down to the Underworld. Sigh, one can dream. I'd take that or a meteor.

I haven't gotten to the Fool yet, so let's move on to that. This would be the plus side to this whole adventure. The Fool card represents new beginnings, stepping out into the unknown on faith, a certain naivete that comes with starting a new line of thought, etc.. As my outcome card in this reading, the Fool has decided to take me on a trip to new job experiences and a change up in my life. Take the devastation of the Tower, throw in a little energy from the Star, and start things over again. The Fool would council leaving everything behind and starting with a new frame of mind, but common sense advises me to take the offer of the Fool and temper it with past experience. So I am pursuing new jobs, holding onto friendships made in the last ten months, and trying to find the positive spin on this event.

I still want to create a black hole. You know what for. Uh huh.

With all this free time available to me now, be expecting posts on a more regular schedule.

"That's So Gay" Commercials

Wow. I had no idea they even had commercials like these. I'm kind of excited that someone is actually working to raise awareness that this is an issue for some people, but I'm a little worried these might come accross as a little cheesy. I personally have never had any issues with people saying "That's so gay" since I grew up around it and felt it was more of a culture thing, but this can be very insulting to other people. Good to see that someone is thinking out there. Watch and decide for yourself.

Not Much New on This End...

There is something about being utterly bored at work that makes for the perfect mood to blog. I'm actually a little pissed I'm in this mood because I'm supposed to not be. I'm supposed to have overtime right now, but do I? Nooooooooo. Because somebody's boss was a blond dipshit and didn't fix the scheduling for this week. Dumbass. Sigh.

So I have my music cranked right now. Got some Coheed and Cambria, RED, Natasha Beddingfield, Katy Perry, and Godhead. It's quite a nice mix. Just enough pissed off music mixed with a little instrumental metal/rock and then some purely gay themed ditties (I Kissed an Girl- please, so lesbian and lovin' it) that make the morning just work. It may be time for a cigarette here after this post.

My equinox party is coming up this next Sunday and I'm quite happy about it. Everybody should have the day off and it is going to be a potluck working with the whole "share the wealth/harvest" theme that is the whole reason for Mabon. I wish I were a little more prepared for this party, but just getting back on top of finances and trying to find time to party on the eight sabbats year round, and more so here recently, has been a bit of a pain, but definitely better for me. I am getting my rythm back. I can feel the year turning again and with each solar festival that comes and goes I see life running through its cycles. Pause for a happy moment with me... okay were are done here.

I don't have pictures of the most recent knitting accomplishments because I am still posting from work and don't have the ability to upload from my camera to the internet. I need a camera that uploads to the internet straight from the camera to any open wireless internet connection... Man, that would be nice and handy. I've paused on my Silk Garden scarf to start my orange and verigated black Halloween scarf. Yes, I know what some of you will say. "Where is the alpaca Halloween scarf from last year?" Well it is sitting in a box waiting for me to find my tapestry needle and weave in the millions of ends. I hate stripped scarves. So I'm workin' on that and finishing the heel on my last sock for my red Mom pair. Then it's on to fix a few other neglected UFO's and work on presents and a pair of sleeves for my friend Kristen. I'm thinking the Belladonna pattern modified. Hmmmm.

What's it been, a week? Two weeks? This is not bad. Posting a little sooner than usual. I might have to keep this up.

Smell the Spices on the Air

I should have posted this a week and a half ago, but I had a morning where, while relaxing outside with a Camel and some coffee, I caught a drifting scent on the still warm, summer wind that was slightly spicy, a bit earthy, and overall very warm and delicious in it's aromatic character (Oooooo, big words! I must be in a writing mood...). I'll give you three guesses what it was and the first two don't count.

Yup. Fall. Yummy, cozy, crisp and musty. I could smell it starting to creep in all sly and smooth, trying to take out a couple of trees before we dumb humans noticed. Caught ya! Mother Nature is full of tricks. I'm getting better at spotting them, though. It was perfect then when, for our Labor Day celebrations, a blustery breeze blew in from the mountains and blasted away the bad air for the briskly cold front we played host to fot the next few days. Yes, that last sentence was supposed to be cheesey. I don't remember which morning it was, but I woke up about 9-ish and looked out my bedroom window and literally almost went nuts. Headline News: naked man goes insane in bed with eyes glued to window, causes seem to be unbelievable amounts of joy and elation. Yeah, that'd be a riot. It was the most perfectest morning yet.

I think it was a big deal mainly because I'm finally done with Summer, and my favorite time of the year is the holiday seasons and the start of the waning half of the year. My friend IndieMissCranky said it best with her blog post "Must Be the Season of the Witch...". The feeling gets very "witchy" this time of year and Halloween just helps that out. I don't know why it is that the harvest celebrations so common in wiccan and pagan circles are some of the most celebrated and are obviously the favorites, but I have to agree with the general concensus and promise to speculate on it later.

With Fall here, I've started cooking good, yummy crap and hunting for recipes for all the oodles of things I want to make this year. I've already got more than enough ideas for the Equinox party I'm throwing this month and the list is quickly getting full for the October celebrations. Once that's out of the way we'll move on to Christmas and Yule. Speaking of Yule, I've no idea when that is this year. Mental note to check on that. Back to cooking. I've realized I have a lot of things I still need for my kitchen and my skills are nothing to boast about, but I do have a good cooking gene from my mom and grandma so I'm hoping it holds true and gets me happily through the holidays. Much munching.

The other day I dug up my pipe and now badly want to find some pipe tobacco for it. Another favorite thing of mine to do around this time of the year. And the coffee just gets so much better this time of the year, too! I'm telling you, Starbucks, a cup of coffee, a slice of pumpkin bread, a pipe or cigarette at hand, and a group of crazy people around you all gathered up next to the patio heater is the perfect way to spend those late nights after work this season. Random tangent!

I've developed quite an attatchment to my Starbucks buddies. All of us met through totally random occurences of one friend meeting another friend, yadda yadda, so on and so forth. I really have no desire to go on a long tangent about it, but they really have been the kick in the pants I needed to really get out and enjoy the day to day crap I wade through all the time. On a related note, some celebrity or famous person recently coined the term "framily" and it was covered by a local newspaper. "Framily" is a combo of the words "friends" and "family" and means a group of friends who naturally function as family in a sense. I'd have to say our little group is starting to become that.

One of our most anticipated group activities right now is our pumpkin carving night. We are taking over Starbucks back patio with hot chocolate and pumpkin spice lattes and a whole mess of black bags, knives, candles, and newspapers. I'm still praying that the patio is mostly unoccupied that night before we get there. I myself plan on doing eight freakin' pumpkins for myself, and I'm sure I'll be throwing in some help lobotomizing some of the other pumpkins.

I've blown through some serious knitting here in the last couple of weeks as well. Hibernation setting in. I finished something (still no clue what it was) and then moved on to another scarf for a friend, finished all eight feet of that monster and now just have to cut and weave, and I've moved through two skeins of my natural colored silk and wool scarf. It's another Noro scarf, but I'm already in love with it. And my red socks are just a day's worth of knitting away from being finished. Next I need to finish my orange and brown Fall scarf from last year and weave in those freakin' ends. Then it's on to Christmas projects and a couple of side pieces for some other friends. So much to do!

Well, I'm pretty much out of stuff to talk about at this point. Besides the daily grind of work, the trips to the gym to look sexy, and the random outings into the world beyond Littleton, not much else is happening at the moment. Doesn't mean there won't be something amazing and fantastic happening tomorrow, but if it does, I promise I'll get around to writing about it... eventually. 'Til next time.

Feeling Grim...

Just kidding!

You thought this was going to be another depressing, utterly time-wasting blog didn't you? Ha! I got ya!

Nah, I'm back up and running. Got over a very bad spot in a frienship I had going for a couple months that ended very fast 24 hours after my last post. Not in any horrific way like you might think from that last sentence, but it ended nonetheless and I'm kind of relieved it's over. Bad part of it is I have no desire to go jumping into relationships with people now out of an overly cautious part of my brain that says "you're gonna get fucked with again, you know it." But that's a whole 'nother story for another time over coffee when the sun is shining and the espresso is quality. There may also be a hot shirtless man doing my laundry in that happy scenario, too...

Speaking of men, there is nothing to speak of. Now on to the next topic. Lol

I need to do another music post! I have a new band I'm heavily in love with. They are called Coheed and Cambria and they are a heavy rock style with oodles of creativity. The lead singer has his own comic strip that actually syncs up with the music to be comic/soundtrack combo that rocks. I posted some of the lyrics from their song "Welcome Home" on my Myspace blog and let me tell you, they are fucked up lyrics! Which is why I love them I guess. I've also got this thing for the group RED as well. I may have to do a double post! Maybe today! Okay, now I'm getting too excited for my own good.

Funny that around the time the Olympics pick up again I start going to the gym again. Hmmm. There's really no planning there, just ended up hanging out with a friend who really wanted to get back into the swing of things, so now we are going to the gym six times a week (yeah right!) and working our arms, legs, backs, and butts off. It is so nice to be doing this again. I didn't remember how good it feels to have that endorphin rush every morning. Makes my incredibly monotonous job that much more fun. Who knows, maybe in four years I'll be cheering Michael Phelps on from the poolside. I love the Olympics. Right now my chest size is on one inch bigger than my waist, a very embarrassing thing for muah, and my legs are not nearly as big as I want them. I weighed in at 206.5 though and that is a drop of five pounds from the last time I checked. Why am I posting this info here? Hopefully with the rest of the reading world getting this the pressure will be on and I'll want to kick these goals down one by one. That, and I am determined to have the guys start chasing me instead of the other way around.

In knitting news, I finished another scarf or two since last posting on it, and I added one of the projects to my gallery on Ravelry. I also got funky and posted some yarn I used as a stash object. I updated my needle collection and have been trying to participate in the forums a bit more. Still need a computer to really stay up on it. I also got my Ravelry pin in the mail too, and it looks pretty spiffy on my bag. Right now I'm working on getting my current scarf and one for my buddy Rob done before Fall kicks in. Tonight our group is going over to A Knitted Peace to work on the World's Biggest Sock. I'll post pictures of that for ya when I get 'em tonight. Should be fun.

Nothing else really, in news. I had a fun time today at Abe's Cafe on Main Street where I live. During lunch, a bat flew in and terrorized the cust for about ten minutes. He was a cool little guy, actually a lot bigger than I'm used to. He spent the entire time making everyone a little nervous and even brushed my head a couple of times. Bugger.


It seems like every time I post there are five posts that I should have done previously with all the crap that I post. Oh well. While you are out there, go check out Matt Micham. He's an amazing Olympic athlete from Australia and he's fast becoming a favorite of mine.

Contemplating the Definition of Suicide

It's 7:15 am as I am starting this blog. The very fact that I am up at this ungodly hour screams of issues like nothing else. Well issues exist at all times of the day. It's reality. Why, you ask, would I be contemplating issues at this hour of the day? Because a very stupid, selfish person is at this moment contemplating or has already committed suicide. At least that is what I feel in the pit of my stomach. Why would I even bother to dwell on such a morbid subject? Because that person is a very close friend of mine. As I am writing this out I have no idea where that someone is or what stupid things they have or will do. Oh, now the title of the blog makes sense, right? Yeah, in case you were wondering, the definition of suicide according to the Dictionary.com resources goes as follows-

1. the intentional taking of one's own life.
2. destruction of one's own interests or prospects: Buying that house was financial suicide.
3. a person who intentionally takes his or her own life. –verb (used without object)
4. to commit suicide. –verb (used with object)
5. to kill (oneself).

Every single one of those definitions screams of selfishness. I'm sorry, but that is the way it is. I've been up since 9:00 am on Tuesday July 8th and haven't slept at all and am very drunk although sober enough to write this blog entry and to do some serious thinking about the definition of suicide. That's right. Drunk, pissed, ready to beat the living shit out of someone, and very exhausted and worn the fuck out.

When someone contemplates suicide, it's usually because life has taken them down a path that leads to multiple dead ends where the easiest rode out seems to be to just end it all in the greatest dead end move of all time. Despite the fact that millions of people have taken one step forward from that hopeless state and made it out of that oh so dark and awful pit, still millions more lose sight of that light at the end of the tunnel and decide to meet the speeding train head on, eyes closed, teeth bared only to be completely wiped from existence in a gory, bloody, bone-crunching mess. I speak only metaphorically, though some physically choose this route and illustrate the point so horribly and beautifully at the same time.

There are always that other bunch that actually live to tell the tale and have lives changed for the better because they now have the ability to share and protect those straying down that morbid path. They are a great group, let me tell you. Maybe part of my raving comes from a membership card to the group. I am a bit biased on the part of the living. I've been there, in the tunnel, waiting for the "train of deliverance" hoping to go out in a great, red exit. But something always stops me. Every time. It's a great love that I have for the people around me and the total lack of desire I have to hurt them anymore than life has in store for them. Why is it any of my business whether or not they should handle that kind of sorrow, pain, guilt, or loss? It's not, but if I can prevent it in any way, by the gods, I will prevent it by not commiting such a selfish act. In the end I will be stronger as a soul for weathering the storm of life and coming out a super human on the other side.

Maybe it's the alchohol in my system, or the distractions at work around me (I'm at work six hours before I should be), or maybe the desire for a cigarette to ease the stress of the morning that creates a boredom with this entry. Maybe it's the numbness finally settling in. Let's hope that's what it is. I've typed and talked my way through every emotion in the last two hours. I'm exhausted and ready to just quit.

As I sit here, a friend is missing with every reason to do something incredibly stupid today and maybe already has and all I can do is sit and wait for a call, txt, or friend to tell me whether or not they're still alive.

On the bright side, I'm sure this will contribute to my bettering as a person, dealing with all of this, and on the very dramatic, dark side all I can think of is how unlucky I am and how lucky, so to speak, they are.

That's it. I'm done.

Another Myspace Re-Post

This is an excerpt from my Myspace account. A blog I did quite a while ago. It's very deep, for me, and I needed to add it to my real blog. So enjoy the deepness and thanks for watching. Lol

January 24, 2008 - Thursday

Who Will It Be

Current mood: quiet

It feels like it has been forever since I last was up late thinking so intensely about my future and specifically about who I will spend it with. It is the eve of my first date with another guy and my mind is not on the day ahead. Instead I am reliving the intense moments I have felt in the past about another guy. Simple times yet so full of a silent, secret passion that had that energy been released in the open plains of the surrounding Wyoming wastelands it would have been a wind of intense heat with no thought for what lay in it's path, shaking us all to the core of our beings. Poetic, it honestly comes from the heart.

My life is not how I imagined it would be and yet it seems funny that I would even think the gods would have allowed it to be as easy as I wish. I feel this not-so-foreign call from somewhere inside of me challenging me to take on another of life's experiences. The desire for a boyfriend, someone to learn to understand and to share a part of my life with for however long, seems to run in and out of my consciousness like fish in a river. Usually in those moments where I desperately want to turn and find a strong man there to absorb the passion for life that is intensely billowing out of me all the time. Who is strong enough to take on such a demanding role?

I know who I want to turn and find there. I know what his touch would feel like as I drew him to me. I can see his face there in front of me as I rush to communicate a silent message of love from my eyes to his soul. I can taste the exotic fire carried on the wind when he is nearby. My soul can feel his distress and his conquest. He stands there, everything and one thing. Complex and defined.

To not have that part of the story written like I wish it was is like waking up from a dream where your world makes sense to a reality that hides it's bigger picture from your knowledge and greets you with a psychotically happy smile and a "fuck you" for breakfast. So far out of my control and so wildly beyond what I sometimes feel I can attain. With something so far from reach how do I understand it's reason for existence?

Instead of saying this is the answer, 1+1=2, sex without condoms makes babies (for the some people), or some other shit that makes logical sense, because I don't actually have an answer, I start seeing how much this screws my future relationships. Every poor sucker out there who falls into that empty hole in my romantic consciousness will be subjected to analysis and comparison and not one of them will ever get an "A" on that exam. You have to feel sorry for the unlucky bastards. I know I do. And yet, I will ultimately have to date them, fuck them, and then dump them until I hit that ah ha moment where I understand the Why and can begin to lead a sanity-filled existence. How else does one learn if not by doing?

In looking at the brighter side of this trip we call life, I can see that by not seeing I have the opportunity to learn and understand something that I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with. I also have the chance to meet new people and share my life with other guys and experience just how big the world of love, lust and passion really is. I have a crazy idea that in the course of dating I just might find someone who also gets my dilemma and will instead shift the course of my stupidly self predestined fate and turn out to be that lime I've always needed for my margarita. Some might call it vain hope but it can't kill to have a little invested in a not yet realized future.

In spite of the great mood I've just typed myself into, I still get the feeling I am expected to be apologetic for turning and pursuing my life instead of pining away in tragic and romantic sterotypical fashion. Perhaps the answer to that question (whoa, I have an answer at 5am!) is just that life's call is so rightfully each of ours that to deny it for a love-in-limbo, however romantic or noble we may feel it is, is to deny a reason to exist and to no longer be worthy of such a huge gift. What can I do but vow to live my life and to let my soul experience it.
I think I am about to reach new levels.

This might hurt.

More thoughts on this later...

It's Me Again, Blog. I'm Gonna Be 23

And now we bring you a random mish-mash of fun stuff, current loves, and new updates on hobbies. Live from Suburbia, Middle'oNowhere, NotNYC comes the man himself! You may now stop drooling on your keyboards. I don't even have a freakin' picture of myself on this page... yet. Pride is coming up here pretty soon, so there may be some fun pics coming, but more on that further down.

First, we'll start with the current crush. I have been crushin' hard on Keith Harkin and finally watched his Celtic Thunder show on PBS. It was beautiful. I loved his suits, or maybe it was how he fit into them. The kid is in great shape. He's only 20 years old! Apparently he's been singing since he was four, loves to surf, is from Ireland, and writes his own music. How can you not love his sexiness?! Here is a clip from his "About Me" section on his music page on Myspace-

"Years of playing live had already honed him into a solid live act at the tender age of 18. His own sound is both individual and unique - taking influences from artists as diverse as Led Zeppelin, John Martyn, Glenn Campbell and Jack Johnson and Paul Brady. He recently supported both John Martyn and David Kitt on their Irish tours - wowing these two demanding and very different crowds with his fresh sound. In his short time as a full-time musician Keith has packed in a lot. During his time in London 2005 - recording with a well respected producer - he also played in various venues and festivals in England - including a memorable show at the Tavistock Festival on Portobello Road. 2006 brought keith to "Dha theanga" an irish program on bbc where he played the lead role, rewrote and arranged all the music for the show. And now to date he is currently doing the monster hit show Celtic Thunder with a coast to coast tour of the states this oct till christmas. With his energetic stage presence and charismatic performances Keith's live shows are what live music is all about. Keith has been compared to everyone from Jamiroquai to Paul Brady and Maroon 5. BBC radio Ulster called him the 'Irish Jack Johnson'."

I'm lazy, so you all can go google him so I don't have to add the links.

Also on the agenda for today is my current acomplishment in knitting. I did my first ever sock and it is great! I need to finish the second and I'll have a pair. Fancy that, huh? It's a pattern that my "mom" gave me done with some really cool yarn I also acquired from her. I have enough I might have to make some gloves to go along with it. It's a pretty simple pattern, excellent for beginners, I should know. I used a size 4 needle and they are just a bit too big. So with the next pair I make (there will be another pair) I'll stick to the 3's and we should be good. I'm going to post the project to Ravelry when I get it all finished. We are very close now. Only a few inches to go.

In other knitting newsflashes, I just saw Maggie Sefton at Barnes last week. She came in for a signing and before that we got to take her out to dinner. She had a blast, like she always does when she comes down. I'm thinking we need to take her up on her offer to visit Lambspun up in Ft. Collins. That, and it's been a long while since I was in Ft. Collins so a break there would be kinda fun.

And since the publisc outcry is so huge, I decided to post a picture of myself. So here. A picture. I take pictures so rarely of myself that maybe it was about time. I got this one when I had my last haircut. Guy that did it was really good. I may have to go back. For Pride 08 I plan to sport the fauxhawk again, kinda like last year. Remember? Right after the ear piercing? I want to get another piercing in my other ear now, but I think I'll wait 'til the photo ops die down after the end of June.

Speaking of the end of June, the 21st and 22nd are the big Denver Pride Fest days this year in Denver. The event is sponsored by the The Center I'm looking forward to going for the first time. Denver has yet to be graced by the Shawn Float in the Gay Pride Parade. Yeah, I could pull off an entire float all by myself. That's right, uh huh. Aside from doing the obvious things, I think a good majority of the time is going to be spent drinking and partying in the bars and clubs as every bar and club turns gay for about three days, and possibly going to Elitches. According to a friend, it's the happening place to be during Pride. I don't really know how I'm going to do all the drinking that weekend on top of getting plastered the weekend before that on the 15th. Well... nah, I'll be just fine.

Ah yes, the 15th. Also known as Shawn Day in 36 major countries. This will be the 23rd annual celebration of Shawn Day and there is going to be a big party here in Denver down on 16th Street Mall with festivities starting at about 7-8pm. Dinner will be at the Rock Bottom Brewery on Curtis and 16th. There is parking for you fools who want to drive downtown below the restaraunt and you will get a free parking token for eating at the Brewery. After a lengthy disturbance of the Brewery's atmosphere, we will be walking uptown, or driving for you crazy morons, to JR's Bar (17th and Clarkson) for excessive imbibing of alchoholic tasties. You all are expected to at least enjoy yourselves whether or not you drink. That's an order from the Shawn, and hey, you have to obey 'cus it's Shawn Day. If you do plan on coming, you should let me know. I kinda need an idea of how many I'll have attending my big celebration so I can pour over the guest list and decide which one of you I'm going to disinvite... psyche!!! We may need to reserve tables if we get big enough.

In art news, my college project done for a design class has hit the 150 mark for favorites. In DeviantArt terms that means 150 people have noticed and are posting it on their pages as a favorite peice. And why would I care? More face for my work. Just that many more people who notice and just a bit more fame to tack on. And hell, I'm so good at marketing my own work that I'm going to post it right here on my blog. Novice!

Wicked- A New Musical by ~MouseBrat2006 on deviantART

This has been an imagetastic post by Shawn aka Strange.

Springtime

I love spring. All the flowering trees have made this one really good. I took this picture today. Damn snow killed off a lot of the blossoms on the other trees. Lazy day.



I really need to do some updating and blog management. I think my webrings have kicked me out for not posting enough. Lol And I've got new websites and such to put in the sidebar. And the whole look needs a serious overhaul.

Going to knitting tonight. Met with the managers at Barnes and they let us know we are way too big for the store. Twenty people might not seem like much, but their limit is ten. So we've double banged them there. We have to figure out something new or we might just anger the great and powerful Barnes and Noble gods. So now we've got to figure out where to go or what to do about the size. Sigh. Sometimes managing a group can be stressful.

I'm all booked for my trip to Cheyenne for "Adopted" Brother's graduation. I'm taking a whole two days off and getting a four day weekend out of it. Very nice. So I'll be gone on the 16th. Not that it will make much of a difference to you guys since I never blog anyways, but. You get me.

LivePerson

Looking over my email for the first time in two weeks I noticed one I received from the company that I do tarot reading for. Kasamba.com is a site that a friend introduced me to last year and one I didn't really get to heavily invest any of my time on, but did get a feel for and made a few friends and clients. For those of you with absolutely no clue what Kasamba (wtf, mate???) is, I'll share some of the knowledge with you.

Kasamba is, or was, a business devoted to live help through chat interfacing (if that's the right word) for a variety of subjects. Things like video game help, counseling, suicide prevention, home and garden tips, health, computer technical issues, etc.. In the Sprituality section you will find Tarot Readings, and if you explore that portion of the site you might just come across my page. Those of you who know me, you'll see my stunning face shining out at you through the pixels. For you who actually read this blog with no apparent reason for doing so, let me first say wow, what troopers you are, and second, why the hell do you keep coming back? Let me know, I'd love to keep doing whatever it is I'm doing. Back on track.

I say Kasamba was only because the letter I got this morning mentioned that they are now owned by LivePerson, and in checking out the new homepage I saw the new layout, which I love, and the newly designed setup for the menus. My page doesn't look any different, but hey, can't complain. I don't know the specifics as to why they are now under new ownership and I very much doubt that I'll actually put out any effort to figure it out either.

In an effort to not sound like someone who is shamelessly self promoting and thus sacrificing all interesting content for mulah (that's money, dipshit), I'm going to stop now with a nice little invitation to go check out LivePerson for yourself. I refuse to put a link to my page. If you really want to find me, tell me or go on a webhunt yourself and work at it a bit, sucka! I am so acting like a bad business man.

Back Again, Hopefully

Goddamn! It's been over a month since I posted on this bugger.

Thankfully, I have snapping new prospects on a temporary computer. It's going to be a much needed addition since I've no intention of fixing my old computer. No way. It would be a better use of money to just buy a new Mac Book Air and transfer my old stuff to the new hardware. So a friend of mine mentioned that she had a Vaio she needed to get rid of and was going to be selling to her neice were her neice not already the proud owner of a new computer. So she offered it to me. I'm hoping to get it up and running by next week (if I have the cash) and hopefully be blogging on a regular basis. It would be a nice change. I have a big need to get my own computer and start back on the routine of updating what few readers I have on my daily grind. Not that it's all that interesting, but it's fun for me.

So in the interest of posting something semi interesting, my job's going great, money is flowing, paying off my backrent from the time I didn't have a job, and still managing to have a life. It's fantastic. I've made so many good friends here recently that I'm having all kinds of trouble keeping up with all of them and all my old buddies from everywhere in the world. I finally made contact (think alien and you'll get my weird mood) with beings from my college days and keep hoping I'll get more in touch with them and their crazy lives as things get going.

My trip is still on for California in June, though the week has changed. I think I'll be going a week later and skipping the whole LA Pride thing in the interest of saving a bit more money for...shopping! I'm working on my tan, new profile pics to come, and starting to workout somewhat so I can get my body into beach readiness. There's always the possibility of starting a little summer romance, and why not while I'm out in Cali where the surfer's are plentious. Ashley and I are going to turn LA over with our fun and games.

In the world of knitting, which is why this blog was revived, I've started some new projects and picked up some old ones. My gloves I am redoing. the first was just not quite the way I wanted it, so I'm gonna try again. I've started an antler scarf which I will post pictures of when I get around to it. It's my first go at cables and they really are as easy as everyone told me they would be! I've also started with a group project and worked on some of that last night with my knitting group. We've got some new plans as far in advance as Christmas and are really ready to start whacking away at getting them going. There's a smattering of charity work, some just for fun stuff, and a few group learning projects that a few of the newer knitters are really excited about.

Looking back over this post it is obvious I'm a bit tired. My humor spiked earlier today and now it's on the dl (that's down low for you that don't come from my planet). Well, there was a weak attempt. I'm just gonna close out now. *singing Closing time, time for all the.....* Sigh.

Morning Awareness

Or rather, the lack there of.



I woke up this morning (2am to be precise) with this strange feeling deep inside. It wasn't a feeling of love or passion, I really have not cause for that at the moment, it wasn't fear of someone coming to get me in the night, I don't scare that easily, and it wasn't a vision of a god or some angel come to relay some insight from the universe either. No, it was a burning, dread-inducing, shockwave of last night's dinner ready to escape from my stomach. Apparently it wasn't happy with it's new home. Not my fault, I didn't do the decorating.



The involuntary eviction was part of some late night snack I had last night that must not have mixed well with anything else. I seriously had the image of me pregnant with morning sickness all day earlier. Quite a riot I must say. Nevertheless, I spent the morning not at work, but in bed praying that that angel or god would now show themselves and bestow a healing hand or swift and deadly blow. Either would have been welcomed.



I'm feeling better (yeah right) now, but there is still that lingering feeling and I've had nothing solid to eat yet today. No, instead I've been dreaming of all the stuff I haven't blogged about in a while.



One, I still have no working camera. So, sorry people, no pictures. Sad sad sad.



I've started a couple new projects, and done a recount of my yarn stash. I can't believe how much random fiber I have sitting in a box at my apartment. Unreal! I've started many projects and just not follwed them through yet. Go freakin' figure. I'm working on a cable scarf (yes, cables!) called the Antler Scarf from Debbie Stoller's Son of Stitch n' Bitch as well as a crocheted cap from the same book. I see myself doing many more projects in the future. Duh.



Aside from project updates, our little group at Barnes (again, what a joke) is doing just great. We now have an average of 18 people who actually show up for this shindig on a weekly basis. We are thus no longer little. No, we are big, dangerous, and loaded! Don't get in our way, please, for your own sake. Lol If you are feelin' in a read-ish mood, go look at our fabulous page. It's had a few updates, though not many.



In my own private life, I've started a new job and finally gotten back on the horse. This customer service thing is perfect for me as I work my ass off all day and then have no desire to go out and do anything except sleep afterward. Perfect. I make money and then can't spend it. My parents would be so proud. Naw, I have a few bills that are eating up my checks for a couple of months, but once those are gone I should be livin' pretty large. All the better to be on the horse. One looks so handsome while astride a big white horse packing some serious coinage that all can't help but marvel and desire him. That's what they told me in the self help book anyway. I thought the fact that it was independently published was odd...


Yes, I'm in a goofy mood. Probably because I'm finally feeling a bit better and it's such a gloriously moody day I can't help but feel darkly happy about everything. One of those days where my twisted mind would laugh were I to get into a car wreck or some other disaster. According to my astrological forecast, I'm supposed to be very predisposed to bitchyness and drama this weekend. I think my Taurus moon will ground most of that, but still, time to be aware. Which is exactly what I wasn't this morning. I did have the strange feeling that today was the day for something significant to happen though. Still nothing. Like I'm missing something...

We'll see what happens.

Review and Remember- The Long Read

"The greatest accomplishment is not in never falling, but in rising again after you fall."

-Vince Lombardi

It's amazing what meeting old friends, catching up with current ones, and making new additions will do to jog memories. This has been on my mind for the last week and I felt I had to do a 2007 In Review blog to sum it up in words. When it's running around in your head like a chicken with it's head cut off, screaming at you to let it out, you have to wonder... can headless chicken thoughts scream with no... head?

Two thousand and six was a year that could have started off better. While I won't go into messy personal details with you brilliant readers here, I will say that in the upheaval of losing your footing in your home and family environment and having to break away from things you once looked to for comfort and a sense of stability will shake up your year like very little else. What does 2006 have to do with 2007 you ask? It's important to know the downfall before you can appreciate the importance of the rise.

With a posse of good friends around me I made it through the rough times in 2006. I owe a lot to them all. When life took a dramatic turn with moving out, I had friends to stay with and friends to support me. When I came out that summer, I lost the closeness of a best friend but also gained a deeper level of friendship with another. With job after job I built an ever-expanding group of friends around me and found the kind of love I was missing in previous relationships. When I was alone for the holidays because of a bizarre turn of events, I had a best friend there to drag me over and keep me company through a rough holiday. With the start of 2007, I had to surrender that friend to California, and with the start of 2008, I will surrender another one to that state. Friends have been the base I have built from in 2007.

At the start of 2007 I made the decision to get on with my life and to make a big change- I moved to Denver, CO. With no steady job for the first four months I made it by, again with the help of friends. With the start of the year mostly past I finally came out to the rest of my family and worked at getting it firmly behind me. I moved on. While parts of those first six months were lonely and depressing, the summer brought the change I needed. With a job securely under my arm and a coffee-driven social life I got my first real apartment and celebrated my 22nd birthday. Colorado just kept on getting better.

With the looming date of the release of the Deathly Hallows on us in July I started my newest and most engrossing hobby. A few tips and multiple redoes I started knitting a Harry Potter-themed scarf for the big night. I never did wear it that night, but I did continue knitting. Since then I've started I don't know how many projects and increased my stash. I've learned new techniques and bought an ungodly amount of books. I've also started a group at the former job spot, Barnes and Noble, devoted to knitting that just keeps growing and getting more fun. I think it's safe to say that this will be one part of 2007 I will carry with me for a while into the future.

Now I have to say that other than the knitting group and my semi-social life during the Fall months and going into Winter I didn't do much. It was the rest I needed for sure. I did find time to take up poker, take a deeper interest in my spiritual side, start consulting online with my own tarot business, visit a couple new clubs, read a couple books, and start up my old romance with blogging again. Nothing world-changing, but there is hope for this new year.

My 2008 ended with a Christmas with friends and a slamming party on New Year's Eve. Quite a way to go! Now it's time to turn my attentions to all the big plans for the next 365 days.

Some of my big ambitions for the current year are to develop a sense of the issues I will be voting on with the presidential election and also to get a hold on my local government to keep on top of things that are important to me.

Also to get involved with work in Africa, a subject that was jogged into curiosity by a random acquaintance at my favorite bar, JR's. There are a lot of areas that need attention and as an American, I am excited at the opportunity to share what I can with another person or group of people who may not have everything that I do. It's something I will devote more time to this year.

Weight loss is one that always ends up on my beginning of the year list every year it seems for the last three. I have somewhat of an idea of how much I need to lose but I will make like my mother and never actually step on a scale. No, instead, I will be checking myself out in the mirror every morning and comparing it to my "before" picture until I look like I want to. That's when the "after" picture will be taken and progress will continue from there. What's my goal? One hundred and eighty pounds, all muscle, and the confidence to hang out at the pool shirtless and not be self-conscious. What a good friend of mine always called the LGN diet- Look Good Naked diet. This will be accomplished by a mix of healthy eating, dancing, weightlifting, and good 'ol positive thinking. We may throw some Bikram yoga in there too.

Travel will make a come back this year with a trip in the summer to California for Gay Pride in one of three cities- San Francisco, LA, or San Diego. The end destination will be decided the closer we get to making the trip. The year will also top off with a much needed trip to NYC with my best friend after she returns from studying abroad in Europe. The details on that trip are a bit more vague. All we know now is it's on!

With a new computer in hand I plan to snag myself a free lance career in the Graphic Design business. I've taken a huge break for the last year and a half since losing my baby to an overused graphics card. With the mind (hard drive) of my former love installed into the body of a stunning new beauty, I will be a happy man ready to take on the world. Yes, I have a love affair with technology. Bite me!

So you can see it's a big year ahead with an okay year behind and hell of a lot of potential on the plate. The mindset now is to seize the moment and so the day. It's all in your positive spin on thoughts through the day. The time to live is now. Don't hold back while you wait for your dreams to happen, reserving energy given to you now for this minute for some day in the future. Let it out and let it go. Celebrate life like only you know how. Embrace love, and love will explode out of you into the lives of those around you. Make each friendship a jewel you polish daily until those you love shine as bright as the stars in your eyes. Embrace who you are and you will embrace diversity in others. Stoke the fire of passion in your soul and you will birth a beautiful frenzy of creativity.

Slap me 'cus I've gone wild!!! Lol.

With that, I move on to the New Year. Good luck to all of you.