It's 7:15 am as I am starting this blog. The very fact that I am up at this ungodly hour screams of issues like nothing else. Well issues exist at all times of the day. It's reality. Why, you ask, would I be contemplating issues at this hour of the day? Because a very stupid, selfish person is at this moment contemplating or has already committed suicide. At least that is what I feel in the pit of my stomach. Why would I even bother to dwell on such a morbid subject? Because that person is a very close friend of mine. As I am writing this out I have no idea where that someone is or what stupid things they have or will do. Oh, now the title of the blog makes sense, right? Yeah, in case you were wondering, the definition of suicide according to the Dictionary.com resources goes as follows-
1. the intentional taking of one's own life.
2. destruction of one's own interests or prospects: Buying that house was financial suicide.
3. a person who intentionally takes his or her own life. –verb (used without object)
4. to commit suicide. –verb (used with object)
5. to kill (oneself).
Every single one of those definitions screams of selfishness. I'm sorry, but that is the way it is. I've been up since 9:00 am on Tuesday July 8th and haven't slept at all and am very drunk although sober enough to write this blog entry and to do some serious thinking about the definition of suicide. That's right. Drunk, pissed, ready to beat the living shit out of someone, and very exhausted and worn the fuck out.
When someone contemplates suicide, it's usually because life has taken them down a path that leads to multiple dead ends where the easiest rode out seems to be to just end it all in the greatest dead end move of all time. Despite the fact that millions of people have taken one step forward from that hopeless state and made it out of that oh so dark and awful pit, still millions more lose sight of that light at the end of the tunnel and decide to meet the speeding train head on, eyes closed, teeth bared only to be completely wiped from existence in a gory, bloody, bone-crunching mess. I speak only metaphorically, though some physically choose this route and illustrate the point so horribly and beautifully at the same time.
There are always that other bunch that actually live to tell the tale and have lives changed for the better because they now have the ability to share and protect those straying down that morbid path. They are a great group, let me tell you. Maybe part of my raving comes from a membership card to the group. I am a bit biased on the part of the living. I've been there, in the tunnel, waiting for the "train of deliverance" hoping to go out in a great, red exit. But something always stops me. Every time. It's a great love that I have for the people around me and the total lack of desire I have to hurt them anymore than life has in store for them. Why is it any of my business whether or not they should handle that kind of sorrow, pain, guilt, or loss? It's not, but if I can prevent it in any way, by the gods, I will prevent it by not commiting such a selfish act. In the end I will be stronger as a soul for weathering the storm of life and coming out a super human on the other side.
Maybe it's the alchohol in my system, or the distractions at work around me (I'm at work six hours before I should be), or maybe the desire for a cigarette to ease the stress of the morning that creates a boredom with this entry. Maybe it's the numbness finally settling in. Let's hope that's what it is. I've typed and talked my way through every emotion in the last two hours. I'm exhausted and ready to just quit.
As I sit here, a friend is missing with every reason to do something incredibly stupid today and maybe already has and all I can do is sit and wait for a call, txt, or friend to tell me whether or not they're still alive.
On the bright side, I'm sure this will contribute to my bettering as a person, dealing with all of this, and on the very dramatic, dark side all I can think of is how unlucky I am and how lucky, so to speak, they are.
That's it. I'm done.