This is an excerpt from my Myspace account. A blog I did quite a while ago. It's very deep, for me, and I needed to add it to my real blog. So enjoy the deepness and thanks for watching. Lol
January 24, 2008 - Thursday
Who Will It Be
Current mood: quiet
It feels like it has been forever since I last was up late thinking so intensely about my future and specifically about who I will spend it with. It is the eve of my first date with another guy and my mind is not on the day ahead. Instead I am reliving the intense moments I have felt in the past about another guy. Simple times yet so full of a silent, secret passion that had that energy been released in the open plains of the surrounding Wyoming wastelands it would have been a wind of intense heat with no thought for what lay in it's path, shaking us all to the core of our beings. Poetic, it honestly comes from the heart.
My life is not how I imagined it would be and yet it seems funny that I would even think the gods would have allowed it to be as easy as I wish. I feel this not-so-foreign call from somewhere inside of me challenging me to take on another of life's experiences. The desire for a boyfriend, someone to learn to understand and to share a part of my life with for however long, seems to run in and out of my consciousness like fish in a river. Usually in those moments where I desperately want to turn and find a strong man there to absorb the passion for life that is intensely billowing out of me all the time. Who is strong enough to take on such a demanding role?
I know who I want to turn and find there. I know what his touch would feel like as I drew him to me. I can see his face there in front of me as I rush to communicate a silent message of love from my eyes to his soul. I can taste the exotic fire carried on the wind when he is nearby. My soul can feel his distress and his conquest. He stands there, everything and one thing. Complex and defined.
To not have that part of the story written like I wish it was is like waking up from a dream where your world makes sense to a reality that hides it's bigger picture from your knowledge and greets you with a psychotically happy smile and a "fuck you" for breakfast. So far out of my control and so wildly beyond what I sometimes feel I can attain. With something so far from reach how do I understand it's reason for existence?
Instead of saying this is the answer, 1+1=2, sex without condoms makes babies (for the some people), or some other shit that makes logical sense, because I don't actually have an answer, I start seeing how much this screws my future relationships. Every poor sucker out there who falls into that empty hole in my romantic consciousness will be subjected to analysis and comparison and not one of them will ever get an "A" on that exam. You have to feel sorry for the unlucky bastards. I know I do. And yet, I will ultimately have to date them, fuck them, and then dump them until I hit that ah ha moment where I understand the Why and can begin to lead a sanity-filled existence. How else does one learn if not by doing?
In looking at the brighter side of this trip we call life, I can see that by not seeing I have the opportunity to learn and understand something that I'm sure I'm not the only one dealing with. I also have the chance to meet new people and share my life with other guys and experience just how big the world of love, lust and passion really is. I have a crazy idea that in the course of dating I just might find someone who also gets my dilemma and will instead shift the course of my stupidly self predestined fate and turn out to be that lime I've always needed for my margarita. Some might call it vain hope but it can't kill to have a little invested in a not yet realized future.
In spite of the great mood I've just typed myself into, I still get the feeling I am expected to be apologetic for turning and pursuing my life instead of pining away in tragic and romantic sterotypical fashion. Perhaps the answer to that question (whoa, I have an answer at 5am!) is just that life's call is so rightfully each of ours that to deny it for a love-in-limbo, however romantic or noble we may feel it is, is to deny a reason to exist and to no longer be worthy of such a huge gift. What can I do but vow to live my life and to let my soul experience it.
I think I am about to reach new levels.
This might hurt.
More thoughts on this later...