New Site, New Look, New Content!

It's that time again. 

I'm breaking free from the Blogger platform and reinventing myself. I talk about it more over on my new site and if you decide to follow me over there I promise a more active and engaging schedule. I'll keep this blog and it's posts as a reminder of how far I've come but my posting here will stop. Thanks for the views and the comments and here's to a successful new adventure.

What's the Deal with Bulking/Cutting?

Weight Loss/Gain, and the Jawbone UP24

I periodically go through stints of massive information intake when I want to confirm the facts around some new adventure I am about to undertake. This time around the fat loss/muscle gain adventure is nothing new but the approach to it is. 

Since I purchased my UP24 band from Jawbone (courtesy of your local Apple store), I've been utilizing its food tracking feature in combination with the step/calorie burner and sleep tracking features. And I'm surprisingly impressed with how much protein and good fats I'm consuming on a regular basis. My sugar intake is about on par and will probably start dropping in the next few months. There's a wealth of great information to be gleaned from using the UP24 and I'm happy with its addition to my daily routine. 

But this is not an advert for Jawbone. Well, not intentionally. It's a small part to getting myself back into a healthier habit-soon-to-be-way-of-living like I was back in Denver when I was actively going to the gym. The new job has insane perks when it comes to gyms and, with my salary and perks as they are, I can now afford to get back into a gym routine. I joined Crunch and plan on starting next week once I've sorted out the locker situation and gotten my meal plans in line with the optimal nutrition plan for what my undefined goals are right now.

I want to shed the extra fat since I know that will be the biggest motivation to stick with this right out of the gate. For something that takes up so much of my time and forces me to adjust both what I eat and how I schedule my day, it has to have some immediate results for me feel like I'm not wasting my time. I've mentally committed to sticking with whatever plan I settle on for at least 14 weeks as I know I should see some serious improvements by then. But when it comes to eating, I feel like I'm floating somewhere between where I should be and where everyone thinks I should be. And a lot of that is because the information on losing fat and gaining muscle is so biased.

Bulking is the "old school" term for gaining weight quickly and it is generally assumed that this is a "eating everything in sight" approach to meals. I can immediately see several things wrong with this and took to the inter webs to get some insight on what a healthier approach might be. No surprise, everyone has their own opinion. It's like the paleo/gluten-free debate all over again. It's a battlefield out there. When it comes to cutting, or weight loss in the form of fat while still keeping muscle mass, it's less of a fight and more of a grey, nebulous whatever works for you kind of thing. I can work with that.

So I guess my best approach, like the paleo and gluten eating, is just to figure out what works through trial and error. I'm still going to read what I can and form some solid steps going forward but I'm going to leave some flexibility in there for potential changes that need to happen based on how my body reacts.

If you've been doing this for a while and can lend an experienced opinion (backed up with clear goal achievements), I'd love to hear from you. Comment, tweet, or leave a comment on Google+ and leave some input. I'll be updating more often once I start seeing some changes.

'Til next time.

A Sunday Morning in January

Everyone can take a morning to themselves. 

Cue the music... and we're off. I cannot write without something rich playing in the background. I've been known to listen to one song on repeat when I'm drawing or painting to capture the exact mood I dropped into when I heard the song. It's very easy to burn yourself out on a song that way too,  I might add. This morning I couldn't come up with anything to really get me writing. I tried Mree's newest "Winterwell" and just found myself relaxing into zero motivation. Then I tried the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack at the recommendation of Erin over at Chatting the Sky and, while I love her description of how she sees the music, it was just not hitting the right mood for me. So I went with my most recent discovery of "Too Weird to Live, Too Rare to Die" by Panic at the Disco. If you haven't listened to it yet, Spotify has it streaming. Go.

So. It's Sunday morning. In 2014. We've crossed the threshold of another new year all over again. I know most people have already moved on to other topics at this point and "new year, new you" stuff is so five minutes ago. I promise this isn't that. I felt the need to get some of the thoughts I've had around this exciting last month out so I could have them down on (digital) paper. It serves the major function of this blog as a record of my thoughts and musings through out the last nine years.

Yeah, nine years. I can't believe it's been that long.

I can honestly say that 2013 ended on an unbelievably fantastic note and that carried right over into 2014. This is one of the first transitions I can remember being this good in a long time. Sure, life has been all over the place just like it is for everyone else on this planet, and I've had good starts to the years past, but none that were quite this remarkable.

Last year marked the start of what I'm calling "Chapter 3: New York City" in the larger storybook of my life. I pushed myself over that cliff I'd been putting on the back burner for so many years and landed on my feet. I'm not going into it now since I've already beaten it to death elsewhere on the blog. What's important here are the many new things that have grown out of it whether it was the little adventures had all over this city or the larger mile markers in life that I've gotten a handle on. I've seen places that inspire me endlessly to be a more complex and expressive human being and I've now started a new job that does all that plus advance me along my career path. I've met people who fill out the whole crayon box of colors that I never would have interacted with outside of this city. I've watched less attractive parts of myself disappear and be replaced by new growth in my own character. I've seen my time spent on meditating and getting ahold of those fractured pieces of my mind increase every day, contributing to a better, saner me for once. The positives go on and on.


And that was how I ended 2013. Surrounded by close friends, in spirit and in person, with love and excitement and a healthy lack of fucks to give. At midnight on New Years Eve I made a conscious point to step forward into the new year on the right foot, giving tribute to the superstitious side of me that loves that kind of thing and reinforcing, psychologically, the direction and attitude I wanted to carry through the next year.

I have no interest this year in resolutions. They are very valuable to some. I want to take a different approach and focus on goals. I want this year to not be about resolving to achieve those goals but rather to enjoy the process of chasing those goals. I've spent the majority of this month setting goals at work and in my personal life and as the timing is right I will start each individual journey and focus completely on watching myself change and adapt and revel in the process.

So, I've gotten that part out of the way. Do you think shorter blog posts should be a goal for this year? Lol

Life in NYC - Two Months Later

Whoever said moving to New York City was difficult was correct, almost. The technicality lies in the fact that it's not getting here that is tough, it's the adjustment period and initial struggle to get stabilized once you've landed. Prior to my move I had a good friend grab my hand and take a long look at me and state that August was going to be rough but September would bring along everything I was looking for with my move. She was dead right.

Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been miserable or dream-killing, even during the moments of sheer panic and short bouts of depression that have cropped up. My first day in the city was full of the stereotypical wonder and excitement that I think most people feel the first time they visit the city or move here. I didn't have a clue where I was going to sleep and every room situation fell through before I'd even arrived, but the excitement just kept on a constant rumble for weeks. It was like a constant little reservoir I could tap into no matter what emotion had my immediate attention right then. And it's still there.

August was rough. My move into my new apartment didn't happen on time and I ended up panicking for a few days. I bounced around to different living situations so many times I've grown sick to death of boxes and suitcases and don't care to pack another one for a good while. I've met some great people and some not so great people. I've wandered through some scary little neighborhoods and gotten lost a few times too many. I've run short of money more times than I could almost stand. I've been homeless more than once.

All of this carried over to September for a week or two with a few things improving. There was the promise of a place to call home on the horizon and I managed to land a job just by walking into the restaurant and asking for work. I've had some kind of money coming into my pockets every day so far this month and there's a good chance that's only going to improve over the next few months. I managed to score a fantastic new roommate and I've grown so much closer to my little group of old and new friends here in the city. September has slowly revealed pieces of the life I wanted in part or in whole and it's looking like things are staying steady.

Two months in and I feel like I've grown a little and a lot at different times. I've got a home, friends, good health (just barely after that cold last week) and a job that pays the bills. New York City has taught me how to be alone while not being lonely and how to approach every day as a new adventure with new and random surprises around every corner. I was looking for radical change and it has found me. I'm still that kid from Wyoming and Colorado who is a little stupid and little awkward at times, but I'm quickly becoming the man who followed his dream of moving to the big city and opened up doors to be whatever he wished.

We are the architects of our own fate. - Buddhist saying

An Update on Life - New York City

Chapter 3 - New Beginnings in New York City

A lot has changed since I last wrote an entry into my blog. At the beginning of the summer I decided it was worth it to start thinking about the possibility of following my teenage dream of moving to New York City.

Ever since that first glimpse into the lives of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte from the TV series Sex and the City I have always wanted a life that included living in the Big Apple. A few short stops and drives through the city on my way upstate sealed the deal for me. All it took was one evening driving along the Hudson across from Manhattan and seeing those bright lights and breath-taking skyline to convince me that this was indeed the place for me.

So, with all of this in mind, I started pulling everything together for this move. It took lots of coffee dates with a close friend to keep me from losing it when the reality of what I was doing would start to sink in. This was the first huge move I'd ever done. Sanity in check, I managed to check every major thing off my list in a matter of a month. I still can't believe it sometimes.

After a final farewell party and a few surprising tough goodbyes I packed my entire life up into a Penske truck and hit the road. It was a boring, excruciatingly long, construction-laden trip that I have sworn never to make again. I took some time to relax for a week with my family upstate and then made the final trek to my new home.

When I arrived I had no idea where I was going to stay as every room setup I had tried (there were at least 30) had fallen through, most at the last minute. Thanks to an amazing friend and some last-minute networking I scored a place for a week. After that it was a bit of creative hunting and I finally ended up with a hotel for a couple nights and a sublet to rent for the rest of August.

The majority of my living space worries were over and it was all about following up on jobs and hunting for my permanent living spot. Again, amazing things happened. I ended up finding an amazing apartment right on Central Park with an amazing guy for a roommate. Seriously, I don't know how I managed to pull off finding the great places I've stayed. That epic-ness aside, I've spent the last few weeks sending out my résumé to nearly 100 different companies and job posters. I've scored one interview that looks like it will pan out with another very promising position recently applied for. Seriously, this company is my dream job. I love what they do, who they are and the people they've hired. It would be an honor to work with these guys as a part of their team.

So here I sit, blogging and reliving the last month, and my optimism is still riding high and there's no change in that on the horizon. I've reconnected and partied with old friends and made many new ones. Sure, there are some uncertainties out there and basic worries I'll have to address, but it's one day at a time. And with that in mind I'll make dreams a reality step by step.

"We are such stuff as dreams are made on; and our little life is rounded with a sleep." - Prospero, The Tempest

Personal Care - Exfoliating All Natural Face Mask

After seeing this recipe pop up on several different websites, blogs, Pinterest pins, and even Twitter, I decided to give it a shot since the ingredients were readily available in my kitchen. It's completely edible. After posting the results on Facebook, a hilarious exchange went on for quite a while and led to a few people asking for the recipe and instructions. I figured I'd share those here in hopes you try it for yourself and get a laugh out of it in the process.

The Exfoliating All Natural Face Mask aka Raunchy Poo Decadence Face Mask: 1 tbsp cinnamon, 1 tbsp nutmeg, 2 tbsp raw honey (or any honey, really).


Mix into a thick paste and slap on the face, applying gently in circular motion. Let sit for 30 minutes while you watch porn I guess this makes it raunchy). Then, using a warm-hot washcloth, gently remove using circular motions to properly exfoliate. Don't get in your eyes, watch out for drips, it will get warm so don't freak out, and always be gentle when scrubbing 'cus cinnamon burns on a scraped face.


Let me know how it works for you! Follow me on Instagram for more hilariousness. @mousebrat

Back and Biting

Isn't Denver pretty?

Hey there... Blogger. I'm back. I had a good year on my own domain, but sadly I was never happy with the rebranding I did and was never motivated to update the site or the blog. And it was just too much money to throw at something that I had no interest in. So, for now, I am back here on Blogger. As much as I might hate it.

Having spent a year away I am curious to see how the two compare. I'm still of the opinion that Wordpress is just a thousand times better, but as a free option I am comfortable with this platform. I also need to get more familiar with the analytics and operations of the Blogger platform. I'm also going to be looking into how this will mesh with some Youtube integration. I'm hoping over the next few months I'll be able to get an idea for how much difference there is between them.

This post is all kinds of scattered. It's late here and I've spent the last thirty minutes exporting and importing the few posts I had from my Wordpress website. So there is a bit of new content to check out if you didn't follow me over last March. AtypicalBrain.com will be shutting down here in the next few days. I'm going to spend the next month working up a new layout for the blog and using some new SEO information to optimize it. Any ideas on good software/plugins to accomplish that are appreciated. Just drop it in a comment or email.

Later gang.

Blue Jeans

Someday I will have someone special that I can put these lyrics to our relationship. Until then, I'll just keep listening to this song and thinking about the qualities I want in him when I find him.

Unknown Artist

I will love you 'til the end of timeI would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you 'til the end of time

- Lana Del Rey

Summer Solstice Ritual 2012

This ritual is a rewrite of the original found at About.com by the amazing  Patti Wigington. You can see it here. The following contains rewrites and original content by myself. Enjoy.

The Summer Solstice, known to some as Litha, Midsummer, or Alban Heruin, is the longest day of the year. It’s the time when the sun is most powerful, and new life has begun to grow within the earth. After today, the nights will once more begin to grow longer, and the sun will move further away in the sky. 

Here's How:

Confirm altar is prepped with necessary herbs, candles, athame, wand (if being used), chalice, cakes and ale, any other offerings to be made and the salt, water and incense for the purification. Allow some time for breathing and centering. Light all candles from candle(s) burned on the day of the Solstice to introduce its energy into the space.

Begin this ritual by preparing the wood for a fire, without lighting it yet. While the ideal situation would have you setting a huge bonfire alight, realistically not everyone can do that. If you're limited, use a table top brazier or fire-safe pot, and light your fire there instead.

Purify your ritual space with the Blessing of the Bath or with smudge and blessed water.

Say either to yourself or out loud:

"Witches gather tonight to celebrate the Midsummer, Alban Heruin, the time of the High Sun, sacred to our Mighty Dead. The Earth as the Mother is pregnant and the God is at His peak. In the presence of those elements our ancestors held holy, the Sky above our heads, the Earth warmed beneath our feet, and the Sea who's embrace holds Us on all sides, we honor this and begin our dance between the Worlds with the lighting of our sacred fire."

At this point, start your fire. (Obviously)

Call in the elements using traditional callings or ones special for this occasion.

"Hail to you, Guardian of the Watchtower of the (East/South/West/North),

Powers of (Appropriate to the Element Called).

I do summon and stir you up

To bear witness this rite and to protect this circle.

(wait for the element to respond)

Hail and Welcome."

Repeat for each quarter. Include Above, Below and Center if desired.

Cast your circle using the following liturgy or your own.

"I conjure thee, Oh Circle of Power,

To be a boundary between the world of the Living,

And the Realm of the Mighty Ones,

A rampart and protection against all harm

To preserve the power raised within.

Wherefore do I bless and consecrate you

By every sacred name of the God and the Goddess."

"The Circle is open. We are between the worlds, in a place not a place, in a time not a time. Hail and welcome."

Build up the fire even more, so that you have a good strong blaze going.

If you wish to make an offering to the gods, now is the time to do it.

Say:

"Alban Heruin is often a time of rededication to the gods.
At all times the triple goddess watches over me,
And she is known by many names.
She is the Morrighan, Brighid, and Cerridwen.
She is the washer at the ford,
She is the guardian of the hearth,
She is the one who stirs the cauldron of inspiration.

It is she we call first into our circle

By all names known and unknown.

(include any invocation of all goddesses by name here)

The Lady is not without her Consort.

His names are also many and his power now at its peak.

He is the Horned One,

The Oak King,

The Hunter, The Lover.

When his horn sounds, the fabric of reality shudders.

It is he we call now into our circle

By all names known and unknown.

(include any invocation of all gods by name here)

Magickal Working - Burning Away Poverty Mind

A rite to pull in all positive energies associated with the Sun to burn away poverty mind that holds us captive and creates a mire we struggle through. By invoking the Sun and allowing it to burn away those limits in our lives we open ourselves to prosperity. During this rite the offerings will be charged with those limiting ideas and then offered in exchange in the ritual fire.

"We give honor to you here,

And make our requests to you now.

As the Wheel turns for the next year and a day

Grant us wisdom, blessings upon our endeavors,

And all that we desire.

As the ever-present Sun turns around us in the next year

May your faces never be far from our call.

I make this offering
To show my allegiance,
To show my honor,
To show my love,

To remove all that holds me back from achieving prosperity,
To You.

Cast your offering into fire."

Cakes and Ale

Take a few moments to reflect upon what you have offered, and what the gifts of the gods mean to you. When you are ready, if you have cast a circle, dismantle it or dismiss the quarters at this time.
Allow your fire to go out on its own.

When a God Plays Hide and Seek

Pan Invoked by Shawn Carter

The question was asked in a forum/group I am a part of on Facebook- "I'm know this question is as old as time itself but I would like to hear from you guys on how you became devoted followers and servers of your deity or deities? I wanna know it all from what brought you to them all the way to now." and "Also on what age you were too. Was it per-puberty or post-puberty? And if your transgender was it pre-op or post-op?"  I have the hardest time crunching things down into a few sentences, let alone a paragraph, so of course I had to blog it.

I would say Pan is my chosen deity although you could argue the reverse just as easily. I've had a longtime fascination with him that started at a very young age. I'm not sure if it started with the image of a faun hoofing it (ha ha ha) through the snow, loaded down with brown paper-wrapped packages, tail over his arm and a snow-covered umbrella in hand under a lamp-post or if it was the discovery of the guardian of the forest in the forest grove watching over a baby otter until his worried father and a mole found him. If you know the books I'm talking about, you get cookies. If not, well, I guess I could tell you that they were The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis and The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame. The LtWatW sparked an initial interest in all things Greek mythology. Willows had a more subtle effect realized much later when I understood how very much Pan was the spirit of the forest and how my relationship with him early on was more of a child's curiosity.

Of all the characters in Greek myth Pan was the one I found completely fascinating for reasons I didn't really understand. Admittedly, there was some attraction to the Greek gods for their muscled bodies and the fact that nobody seemed to want to put clothes on them. I came into my own sexuality very early in life, but more on that in a bit. But outside of the physical appearance of the gods there was a very human quality to them that I did not find in the god my fundamentalist Christian parents wanted me to devote my life to. They were much more easily identified with. And yet it was not Pan's human half that attracted me to him. In him I found a wild, beautiful, "dark" side that appealed to that hidden side of me that hung back from the main stage of The Life of Shawn.

As I got into my teenage years and hormones took over and the chaos that was being a closeted gay who loathed his sexuality came into play heavily I started to crave someone like the protector of the forest who's perceived calming and comforting presence was welcome. I began to connect to the idea of Pan as a father to all those who were not "normal" and who were the undesirables of society. I specifically remember going back to the chapter in Wind in the Willows and spending time rereading it trying to capture the image and sensation that I was Portly the otter and there was nothing to worry about. Looking back, Pan might have had some unrestrained influence on my more suicidal moments as life went up and down for me and panic set in over losing what was my entire world at the time, but such is life lived with a god whose own immortality tends to put a lower priority on whether you breathe air or not. Alive or dead you are still very much a part of the matrix that makes up a god's life force, right? A question for another long entry.

After exploring my interest in all things Celtic and druid in high school I started pondering how much the Horned God of the druids had in common with the Horned God of Arcadia. My blood is pretty green even though there is no immediate connection to a Celtic or Gaelic ancestry until you go way back to my Saxon ancestors who seemed to give birth to a long line of political opportunists who married and or slept their way around what is now Scotland, Ireland and then England. I'm mostly American mutt. But the interest and pull of Pan was strong as was the pull of the magic of standing stones, avenging ancestral dead and a race of god-men who fought glorious battles before accepting their receding part in the ongoing story of the rise of Men on earth. So I just let it be. No point in fighting what comes naturally.

I played with a pagan/wiccan religious worldview for a few years while trying to figure out where life was going shortly after leaving home and coming out as the atypical gay guy I accepted myself as. I found myself generalizing a god and goddess for reasons I wasn't entirely certain of. It wasn't until I decided that I was ready to take the plunge and go from a solitary pagan into an actual coven that I started revisiting the idea of this god who I seemed to have a stronger connection to than any of the others I'd flirted with. At a pagan festival in Colorado I attended a workshop where our goal was to get a taste of aspecting or invoking a godform. At a point in the lesson we were to close our eyes and drop into a meditative state and allow any god or goddess to make themselves known. Immediately I found myself in a grassy field bordering  a forest. Nobody showed up for a few minutes so I kicked back and waited until Pan popped in ten yards in front of me. Not totally surprised and definitely happy about it. My first reaction was to head towards him. His response was laugh his ass off and head off across the meadow with this wordless invitation to find him if I really was serious about wanting to invoke his name. After that, shit got serious.

About a year later I ended up finishing the basic courses with the coven I was training with and decided to pursue first degree initiation in their tradition. Part of this process was choosing a deity to work with and a magickal name to dedicate with. Five guesses what deity I chose. The first four don't count. The name I ended up choosing was a funny sequence of events but the end result was that I chose a surname of "Paikon" that, after much help and some study of the numerical value of the final result, translates to "priest of Pan" roughly. It's one of the few things I've created in my life that I'm completely happy with even to this day. I initiated with my new name and dedicated to the study and worship of Pan and Selene.

Shortly after my dedication I led my first coven ritual celebrating Lupercalia, an old Roman festival that honored the wolf, werewolves, and in many accounts Pan/Faunus/Pan Lykaios. While Pan's direct connection to the festival is debated (some people believe that the Pan the Romans worshipped was a "master of werewolves"), I took what I had and ran with it. Further maturing of this ritual is a constant project of mine as well as a way to make it more relevant to modern pagans. That night solidified it as Pan's holiday for me.

After a year of first degree classes I ended up parting ways with that coven over differences of opinion on where the coven was heading and a change from a working family to a more public and polished identity. With this parting I took away a fantastic new first hand relationship with invoking Pan into my body. My first time was during an invocation class and I have invoked him a few times since then, sometimes with intent and other times spontaneously. My understanding of who he is and what he is seems to have been embedded deep inside me waiting for me to uncover more and more the deeper I get into that relationship. A year of focused learning and experience that have proved to cement him even deeper into my own identity and spur me on to learn more and more about him every chance I get.

I don't claim to know all about Pan and I have kept out a lot from this post to save it from being a four-hour novel. Hopefully it gives anyone interested enough to either relate or get curious about this goat man who ravishes nymphs in his off time when he's not playing on his pipes. At some point I will offer up a more expanded post on my understanding of this god through my own experience paired with what history has to tell us about him.

Randy Phillips and Video Posting

This post is really just an excuse to post a video. I would like to mention though that this guy is a big inspiration for me. He is/was in the military and decided to come out when DADT was repealed (much cheering and applause) and has taken to YouTube to share his thoughts, workouts, and healthy living ideas with the world. Very cool guy. I wouldn't pass up the opportunity to have coffee with the dude.

And that's about all. Please check out Randy's channel AreYouSurprised on YouTube and remember to subscribe.

A Thoughtful Wander with a Fun Endpoint

I find it so odd that while I have this intense desire to write, the minute I sit down to do it is right when all the juicy stuff evaporates. Is there such a thing as "writer's curse"? Similar to the writer's block? Warning: this thing started as a ramble and turned into me talking about my own psychology. Lol

Remember that post from back in November of '11? The one where I mulled over my identity, or signature? I've been thinking. Yes, always dangerous as it is for many people who take up the habit. I like to go back and read bit and pieces from my entries from time to time, just to get a feel for where the blog is at, where it's been, and where it may be going. After landing on that article again and thinking about how things had changed in the last three months, I first thought that I had dropped that "quest" completely. That was, until I thought about it from a different point of view.

While I wouldn't say that I have spent any great amount of time thinking about that question, I have subtly altered how I analyze and examine the things I do, what I say and how I respond, and how I react to the world around me. This has actually started some great progress towards solidifying the more abstract parts of what make me up. For example, in a situation where I am faced with making a choice over whether I find someone worth my time and effort or no, I have really been weighing in the pros and cons. It takes me a bit longer to make up my mind, but I am finding that I spend time with more people who have something valuable to teach me, directly or indirectly.

I also am noticing more of a shift in focus onto the things that I want to do. Rather than approach life with a "meh" attitude, I have been actually pursuing those things that I am passionate about but have put on the bottom shelf because they weren't "the thing to do" or "I'd like to do that someday". I realize that I do a lot of talking about these things thinking that are a big part of who I am. But how can that be when I haven't engaged in these activities in months or years? One cannot call themselves a painter if they don't pick up a brush and canvas on a regular basis. You can't call yourself a mechanic because you fiddled with your car's engine five years ago.

I talk a lot. Mercury does have quite a bit of influence in my life. And I have the best intentions of carrying through with the ideas that I talk about. Half the time I am successful at following through. The other half of the time I either forget about them or set them aside long enough that they lose whatever oomph they had. And then occasionally touch on them again and get excited only to repeat the same pattern. I have a lot of theories on why I do this, fear of failure being the winning one. I talk, but I see a trend forming lately that may just fix the part where I splat five thousand feet before the starting line.

I think the key is to attack this one thing at a time. I've been talking for years about going to the gym. Tying it into getting in shape for a holiday, beach time, vacation or other event always gets me excited about it, but once that holiday gets close I lose all motivation. What I had to ask myself was why am I not doing this for me? Aren't I the most important person here to be making promises to? Shouldn't I care about the constant trend of disappointing myself? As the one perceiving and translating every thing in the world around me into time and life, how I treat myself is directly affecting how I treat others and my interaction with every other part of my life. So I decided to join a gym. And I made it all about me. I don't go for the company, because company won't always be there and they may let you down. I don't go for the attention, although I definitely love when I get cruised or "accidentally bumped" in the ass. I go for me. To spend time with me. And to enjoy the fact that I feel better because I did something good for, you guessed it, me. One thing at a time.

That example out of the way, you can see how this selfishness would apply to picking up my love for art and making things, being socially active again, and top on my mind today, finding a boyfriend. And this is the part I'm working out in my head right now. My apologies in advance since this will probably be disjointed.

So much of the process of finding a boyfriend is focused on what we want in someone and then seems to turn into what we can contribute. If we are living honestly with ourselves and being true to who we are, what we contribute will be what attracts other people to us. So why are we hung up on this? I'm not convinced it's a good thing to focus on when finding that special someone. Focus on doing what you love and finding someone who is what you want, not what the culture says you should want. I find it out of place to focus on settling for someone because they fit some of the bill and you can always find a way to sacrifice some part of yourself to make up for the rest. Fuck that, I say. Get out there, find what you want and go for it. If they like who you are they will go for it. If not, take what things you can learn from the relationship and aggressively move on.

I think a lot of this probably falls into the idea that the right person will come along if you just focus on being yourself and living your life. Many of the people I have been, or currently am, interested in generally fell right into my lap while I was busy living life. The times I've been so focused on nothing but finding someone and setting aside the things I enjoy have led to some of the most depressing times in my life. So, ultimately, I've probably not really stumbled onto some new take on life and relationships, I've just found a new way, for me, of looking at an old idea because of recent changes in patterns of thinking in my life. I like where this is going.

Hack Translate: Haus Der Drei Sonnen (House of the Three Suns)

I love this song. I love even more Nena's voice singing it. It's been tough to find it translated to English and even then I don't know that I would trust the English translation all that much. I decided to go with an impartial robot and use Google Chrome's translation engine while searching for Haus Der Drei Sonnen via the German Google. This is what I got. I was shocked to find out that the music definitely matches the lyrics. And they are fascinating. I decided to include the video from Youtube as well at the end. Enjoy. 

German: 

Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n.Im Haus der Geschichtendie niemand erzählt
wo Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.Im Schnellzug der Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
kämpft ein alter Spieler um sein letztes Geld
will alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.
Mal geht's ihm gutund dann geht's ihm schlecht -manchmal hat er Glückdoch meistens hat er Pech.Im Haus der drei Sonnen vergisst er die Welt
er hat seine Verluste noch niemals gezählt.Der Schnellzug zur Hoffnung ist lange entgleist
im Haus der drei Sonnendas Groschengrab heißt.Alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.
Mal geht's ihm gutund dann geht's ihm schlecht -manchmal hat er Glückdoch meistens hat er Pech.Im Haus der drei Sonnen vergisst er die Welt
er hat seine Verluste noch niemals gezählt.Der Schnellzug zur Hoffnung ist lange entgleist
im Haus der drei Sonnendas Groschengrab heißt.Alles auf einmal und sofort -Das Schiff das sinktdoch der Käpt'n bleibt an Bord.
Im Haus der drei Sonnenfern von dieser Welt
im Schnellzug zur Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
wo leuchtend die Räder des Schicksals rotier'n
und Raumschiffe einsam im All explodier'n.Im Schnellzug der Hoffnungder nirgendwo hält
kämpft ein alter Spieler um sein letztes Geld -im Haus der Geschichtendie niemand erzählt.


English: 

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

in the house of the stories that nobody tells

where spaceships explode diern lonely in space

In holding fast to the hope of nowhere

an old player is fighting for his last money

everything at once and immediately

the ship is sinking but the captain remains on board the

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

Mal's doing well and then it's going bad

Sometimes he is lucky but mostly he has bad luck

in the house of the Three Suns, he forgets the world

he has counted his losses never

The hope is to express derailed long

the three suns in the house is the grave Grosch

everything at once and immediately

the ship goes under but the captain remains on board

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

Mal's doing well and then it's going bad

Sometimes he is lucky but mostly he has bad luck

in the house of the Three Suns, he forgets the world

he has counted his losses never

The hope is to express derailed long

the three suns in the house is the grave Grosch

everything at once and immediately

the ship goes under but the captain remains on board

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

where bright rotate the wheels of fate

and spaceships exploring diern lonely in space

In the house of the Three Suns away from this world

in holding fast to the hope of nowhere

an old player is fighting for his last money

in the house of the stories that nobody tells

Signature

I've been mulling over identity and uniqueness today. I find each person's unique qualities to be fascinating and a large part of what attracts me to them. I find most, if not all, of my friends possess something like this. I'm guessing that people who don't have these "uniquenesses" probably don't wind up jiving with me and may not end up developing into more than an acquaintance. It's definitely something I can pick out in each one of them. They are as unique and different in their individual styles, likes and dislikes, moods and quirks.

What is getting me is how not like this I feel. I can pin down someone's "signature" on the world around them but not my own. It's probably just me being over analytically, but I look at myself and see copycatting. I see little bits of everyone else out there as the sum total of who I am. None of it seems like it's a spawn of my own individuality. Granted, most of my experiences are my own or are a reinterpretation of a shared experience with someone else. But outside of that, what makes me standout sharply against the background?

This question will be around for a while, I'm thinking. I am on a quest to figure out what makes me unique and develop it. I'm tired of blending in with the background. Not sure why that is the way it is, but awareness can only act on it or let it be. There is no going back and changing the past. Who'd really want to? It would rob me of this process of self development.

Failure?

I've been dealing with my own issues with failure lately and due to my internal structure, the move-in-process has brought them back up to the forefront. I've done my own analyzing many times and my logic tells me that many of the scenarios I drag up are not failures, merely perceived that way. Doesn't change the reoccurrence factor. And it typically haunts me for months. 

Today was particularly bad but not one that was hard to hide. I seem to be getting better at that as time goes on. I'm noticing with time the different ways that these bad days/weeks/months affect my daily activities. Today my work was obviously getting the shit end of the stick. The smallest jobs were immediately challenged by the thought that I was hardly capable of doing this on my own and getting it right at all. My self-confidence took a massive dive. And as a result I was probably incredibly annoying to the many people I had to stop and ask for help for every minor issue. Yes, that's why they're there, but I'm big on doing things myself. And myself wasn't up for it. And I felt another accusing call of "failure" creeping in compounding the already present cacophony. 

See how this thing just builds and gets worse? 

So towards the end of the day I started looking for anything to read that would help me take my mind off the self-confidence issue and put on a more positive spin. I found this article and while it's not all things I would agree with, I still found it immediately uplifting and decided it was worth a share. 

Do You Feel Like a Failure?

by Debbie Takara Shelor

Several years ago I started noticing that I wasn't happy. I was ill more often than was O.K. with me and I seemed to only find pleasure in writing.

I began asking, "Whatever happened to my joy? I must have had some joy in my life at some point. But where has it gone?

I wasn't happy in high school. We moved to a new town when I was entering the 9th grade and I cried everyday after school for almost a year because I just didn't know how to fit in with the same crowd - or type of kids - that I'd been friends with in my previous school. I felt like a failure at making my high school life work. I didn't even attend the 5 year reunion because the pain was still so great.

But there were times in grade school and junior high when I was very very happy.

Even during my engineering career my laugh was so infectious and wonderful that one of the plant managers used to comment about it often. He loved my laugh.

But the laugh was even gone for awhile.

So where had it gone? When and why did my joy leave?

I was sitting in my office "trying" yet another thing to make our business successful. I had already spent hours (years) upgrading the website, answering email, writing the newsletters, reading about effective marketing.
My former husband - whose timing is always impeccable - came in to the room and said "Here you sit. Again! You are in front of the computer when I leave for work and you are on it when I come home. You don't do anything else." Then he just turned and left.

I didn't defend myself. I didn't try to explain why it was so important to be doing what I'd been doing. I just sat there and thought about it and realized he was right. There I sat and I wasn't even enjoying it. The only thing I enjoyed was writing the newsletters, but the rest brought me no joy. I was now in a state of realizing that "something isn't right here."
That same day he called and asked me why our bank account had a negative balance?
I had no reply. I went numb. After I hung up the phone, I had a complete and total physical and emotional breakdown. I was sobbing really big tears. And I was ready to leave - the planet I mean. I had had it. I was a complete and total failure (in my own mind). I couldn't even manifest a positive bank account. I was exhausted from the struggle. I hated the game (life). I hated my life (the things I had co-created).

There I was - in that most magical of moments - often referred to as the Dark Night of the Soul. That amazingly horrible wonderful instant when you can choose to sink or swim. That time when we are forced to make a real choice - to change our life permanently for the better or stay stuck in anger, hatred, sadness, or whatever other type of negativity. I had "hit the wall" as they say. I felt like an absolute and total failure. The old way was absolutely no longer acceptable.

I'd been there before - back in 1993. That experience is what caused my spiritual awakening. Interestingly it was brought on by the same type of thing. Depression - severe depression over the loss of a job I totally and completely loved.

You see I had become completely co-dependent on what I considered the perfect magical job for myself. I was a Team Leader in the Bayer Factory. We made all the Bayer Aspirin in the U.S. I was co-creator of a self-directed work team. I got to travel. I got to teach team, communication, and quality skills. I got to work one on one with employees - their personal development. I worked night and day. It was difficult, but I had a mission - create a successful self-directed factory.

But the more things I tried, the harder it became, the more problems there seemed to be.

And then the unthinkable happened.
The company restructured and I was taken out of the Bayer Factory. I was no longer a Team Leader in a self directed work environment. I was a front line supervisor in a traditional (archaic) factory - a job I had turned down at least 6 times prior to this. To say I was devastated hardly begins to describe all the things I felt.

My dream had been wretched out from under me - and there was nothing I could do about it. Once again, my life felt like a failure.In hindsight, almost 10 years later, I finally saw the truth. The truth is I thought my one shot at real glory had been shattered. I was so co-dependent on the "success" of the project that I couldn't see the truth. The truth is I didn't care about the success of the team. What I cared about was me being part of something wildly successful. If I was part of something wildly successful, then I would finally deserve and therefore receive the acknowledgement and appreciation I was so desperately seeking from - oh no - my dad.

Growing up I never got it. I tried everything. I was the best at practically everything I did. I'd come home with straight A's and my dad's only comment would be "Why weren't they A+'s?" That's it. After all I had put into achieving I never received the reward. I was a failure in my own mind even when I was excelling.

So out of this I developed the belief that no matter what I did, it wasn't good enough and it would never bring me happiness. So I had to try harder, try more things, and the more attached I was to the outcome being a success, well (as is always the case when you are attached to an outcome) the bigger the failure it became.

When you are attached to the outcome there is no way for there to be a good result. Actions not taken in joy never result in happiness.

I wasn't taking actions out of joy. I was taking actions out of desperation. Trying desperately to achieve something worthy of praise. Trying desperately not to be a failure in the eyes of others and in my own eyes.

The driving force behind all of my actions was not desire to attain my value of helping people or making a difference. My actions were being taken from the shear terror of how I'd feel (and always did feel) because my dad must not love me since he never praised my accomplishments.

Because father represents Father (the masculine aspect of God), then God must not be pleased with me either. Great!

The more I tried, the more things didn't work, the more unhappy I became. So I tried with more determination, with greater attachment to the outcome. So of course all I experienced was disappointment and complete lack of joy. I didn't enjoy the work because it was full of disappointment - I had WAY too many expectations. I couldn't enjoy my former husband, or my son, or where we live - even though all three of those are fabulous. I NEVER took time for myself. Because the only thing that mattered was the success (or in this case lack of success) of the business.

My focus was completely on what I didn't have and the sense of failure I felt. And I completely lost sight of what I did have - which was a great deal.The human personality is such a silly character. Lets get to the truth of the matter.

Did (and does) my father love me?

Absolutely!

Did he acknowledge my accomplishments?

Yes in his own way.

Was he proud of me?

You have no idea how very proud.

But the little girl - we don't know how old she was when she decided all this - wasn't getting the exact right words or actions at the exact right time to satisfy her own insecurity. So she made all the other stuff up and began living life from that perspective. A completely debilitating set of beliefs and patterns with really no justification for their existence.

We all do that you know!

What is the worst thing you can do for your immune system? Experience for long periods of time negative (or low vibratory) emotions such as anger, hatred, fear, depression, sadness, etc. I'd been stuck in sadness and depression. So I became ill. And no matter what I tried things didn't really improve.

This Dark Night of the Soul literally freed me from the shackles of a limiting belief that I'd carried most of my life. After the initial breakdown - which was very short lived - this huge energetic boulder, that was much bigger than I am, shattered into a million pieces and fell to the floor all around me. It was gone. I mean it was really gone.

The next day, after this experience of discovering the shadow, I turned 41. It was Spring Equinox - a time of rebirth and renewal.

I was literally faced with having to redefine who I Am and what matters to me. A kind of scary idea. All of my goals, values, and everything had this false belief underneath them. Now that it was gone its like I had to start again. I had to re-evaluate my values. I had to look at my goals to see if they made sense. And, finally, it felt like for the first time in my life I could breathe deep and relax.

Before everything was about being perceived as being successful - so everyone, especially my dad, would love me. So, nothing and I mean nothing, could be left to chance. The stress this creates is almost unimaginable.
This "thing" driving me in every moment wasn't even something in my best interest. It caused stress which leads to disease. It required taking actions that I didn't even enjoy. It was my creation - a belief of how life is, how life works, what really mattered, based on mistruths.

My dad wanted me to excel - feeling that would bring me happiness. So he urged me to do that in his own way.

The entire goal of this journey we call life is to discover the truth and move forward into the Light. The light of freedom. A life of love, joy, laughter, creativity, and fun unencumbered by the shackles we've placed on ourselves.
Our only mission is to discover and re-merge (become) the Divine Being we already are - going past the illusions and fears of being human.
No-one said the journey was easy. But it is the only journey that has any lasting value. Everyone's journey is different and perfect. And the journey never ends.
  So now what's happening with me you ask?

Well I went off into the mountains and wrote a book called Freeway to Freedom. The meditations I was "given" involve dolphin healing technologies and they permanently heal issues, beliefs, fears, the past, and more.
Well, with the help of those technologies, the Phoenix (me) has definitely risen from the ashes:

I Am soooo much lighter.

I smile alot.

Finishing things used to be really hard - and often didn't happen. I think I thought that if I never finished, then whatever it was couldn't be judged as a success or a failure. There have been many completions since then.
I'm no longer struggling with the same issues. So I'm no longer exhausted from the struggle. Yeah!

When I'm with someone I'm really with them enjoying the moment. I don't have to worry about their perception of my perfection and success. And I don't have a million to do's running through my head.

When I think of something that "should" be done, the first thing I ask myself is "Would doing that bring me joy?" If the answer is no, then I don't do it - at least not right then. I wait until I can enjoy doing it or I don't do it at all.
Have you ever felt like a failure?
Have you ever experienced feeling totally defeated, like you have failed at something really important? It might be that your marriage ended, or your child got into trouble or didn't reach their potential, or you lost your job. Maybe, like me, you went through a job restructuring and felt you were demoted or a failure at your new position. Maybe you tried to start your own business and it didn't really take off. Or perhaps you just aren't happy and can't figure out why.

Success and failure walk hand in hand. What do they each mean to you? What does it feel like or look like to be successful? What does it feel like or look like to be a failure?

When you focus on the failure, you rarely even notice the success. Start finding what is good, what you can be grateful for, what is like a blessing.
There are many people who are facing the wall (of their shadow) or have actually hit the wall - people who feel like they are a failure or have failed at some aspect of their life. Alot of them don't know what to do. Feel free to share the story I just told you about my own experience and suggest that they look for the mistruth or limiting belief that has caused them to come to the place they are at in their own life.
We offer many tools and experiences that can help.

Blessings,Debbie

The original article can be read here.